Confessions of a Reluctant Caregiver

08/08/2025

Where are these sisters today? The New River Valley Agency on Aging Caregiver Conference!
Lots of great speakers sharing lots of information with caregivers! Stay tuned for more updates!

08/06/2025

Did you know about PACE?
I sure didn’t—until earlier this week.

We were recording a podcast when our guest mentioned the incredible difference the PACE program has made in his aging father’s life. Naturally, I had to learn more.

PACE (Program of All-Inclusive Care for the Elderly) helps older adults get the care they need while continuing to live at home. We know people age better in familiar surroundings—and while this program has certain eligibility requirements, it’s absolutely worth checking out.

✅ Here’s what stood out:
- Available for individuals 55+ who need nursing home–level care
- Helps older adults live safely at home instead of in a facility
- Includes adult day centers that offer meals, therapy, medical care & respite for caregivers
- Covers transportation, prescriptions, home care, rehab, dental/vision, and more
- Care is coordinated by an entire team (doctors, nurses, social workers, therapists)
- Costs are often covered by Medicare/Medicaid with little to no out-of-pocket expenses

It’s only available in 33 states + D.C. currently, but it’s worth checking if it’s offered in your area and if your loved one qualifies.

Resources to learn more:
🔹 Medicare.gov: What is PACE?
🔹 National PACE Association - https://www.npaonline.org/what-is-pace-care
🔹 Find a PACE program near you - https://www.npaonline.org/find-a-pace-program

Know someone who has used PACE?
Drop a comment—we’d love to hear how it’s helped your family. Your insights can help others too.

08/05/2025

This week's episode features a moving story of love, loss, and the silent strength of a caregiver.

At 43, Shannon Traphagen's world was upended when her husband Mike was diagnosed with glioblastoma. For 14 months, she was his dedicated caregiver, navigating a journey of heartbreak, profound love, and incredible sacrifice.

After his passing, Shannon transformed her grief into a beacon of hope for others, creating the "Game On Glio" podcast. Her story is a powerful testament that it's possible to honor profound loss while bravely finding a path forward.

Listen to her unforgettable story on our new episode—a must-listen for anyone touched by cancer or caregiving here: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2101429/episodes/17588003

08/04/2025

Get out the party hats! It’s AUGUST!

Most families have one—you know—the one month out of twelve where birthdays run rampant and celebratory events like anniversaries put Hallmark to shame.

Folks, August is our month! Make no mistake—it’s one cake-eating, candle-blowing, card-buying month. August 5, 6, 9, 11, 15 (2), 25, 26, and 28—mark your calendars.

Those dates have spanned a lifetime. Literally. My birthday is August 5th—I’ll be 52.

I think we all know I’m a bit long on the storytelling side, so I’ll try to keep it short. I’ll break it down to one birthday.

Big Numero 5: It was the Kern's Bread Man and the merry-go-round. Check out that photo! The cheesy grin on that little bob-haired redhead. Check out that fearless crop-top! Wild, carefree—waiting for the mini-loaves of bread the Kern's man passed out before he departed.

There was no sign by the horse I rode that said
“Skip year 34—You lose your job and sell everything you own.”
“Take 2 year 20’s. Wow! Those months studying and backpacking in Europe are amazing.”

And on not a single candle was there a wish that said:
“Let Mom get Parkinson’s.”
“Let Dad die playing softball.”
“Let us care for Mom and feel like we’re doing a crappy job most of the time.”

Nope—not on the 1,326 candles I have blown out over 51 birthdays. (Note: I did NOT add that up. Go to ChatGPT, ask about “arithmetic series.” Total useless info.)

And as always—JJ, GET TO THE POINT.

Life is unpredictable, and no matter what, I cannot tell the future. At 52, wishes seem to be more like prayers. Don’t get me wrong—I still wish for a lottery win on at least one candle, but adulthood has led me to believe a prayer for that might be more beneficial. (Lord, I hope you’re listening.)

If I was Michael J. Fox in his famed DeLorean, I wonder how my “back to the future” would look. Would my 5-year-old self wish for Mom to not get Parkinson’s (would I even understand?)? Would my 20-year-old self say, “Sell my car, Mom, so I can stay longer in Europe”? Would my 37-year-old self wish there was an ambulance at the ballpark the day my dad had his heart attack? Could I change the course of time? No.

These years and events have shaped me and molded me into who I am—physically and mentally. I best describe it as a patchwork quilt woven together. Some stitches good, some frayed, and some—well, I’m still working to hold those together.

This birthday, I won’t use all my wishes and prayers. Maybe two or three. I pray for my mom’s comfort. The Lord’s blessings on my marriage and family. And my ability to accept whatever comes my way—good and bad—with grace and gratitude.

Oh, and a plastic surgeon to fix my turkey waddle neck. (A BOGO would be great because Nat wants one too.)

08/03/2025

Birthday Wishes & Back to the Future - https://mailchi.mp/ea80733f9f02/caregiving-just-got-fresher-17996153

08/01/2025

We’ve posted a lot lately about choosing—joy or sadness, grief or celebration. And honestly, it’s a darned day-to-day decision.

At 47, 49, and 51, these sisters can’t quite figure out if we’re manic or just suffering from more menopause symptoms—but option two is most likely. Is it hot in here?

(You’re welcome, male audience.)

Today was another one of those days. As always, it’s been a caregiving-palooza kind of week. Mom’s Duopa Pump—the miracle device that delivers her medicine—broke last Saturday. Let’s face it, things wear out. It’s been a tedious week proving that fact, getting a new one processed, a shipping delay—and Mom. Her anxiety has skyrocketed: Will the pills come on time? Her symptoms have worsened—on/off times more frequent and extreme. Her mental state? She is afraid, so afraid. All of these are the reasons we have this pump. This miracle pump.

Back to choices…
This morning, I got a photo from Kathy, the lady who visits Mom for several hours a week. She’s the eyes these long-distance caregivers need. And today, her eyes shared puppies.

The physical therapist brought in two golden doodle puppies. The text photo made me smile—and the FaceTime call with Mom? Well, the innocence and playfulness of those puppies brought laughter and ease to Mom’s weary body. Her drawn hands relaxed. Her fear faded as she smelled the “puppy breath”… a familiar scent from childhood when her father bred bird dogs.

And she smiled, and we laughed as the puppies frolicked, if only for a few minutes. It was good. It was so good.

“Mom—the new pump will be there at 10:30 a.m.” And she said, “Okay.”

The same promise (a silent prayer) I gave her last night was met with that shaking voice and tears I could hear, even when I couldn’t see them. But today… there were puppies, trust, and faith that it would all fall into place—the stars would align—and the pump would appear.

Thank you, Lord, for puppies!

*Note: A text came through about ten minutes after our call: “Your package is out for delivery.” Today is definitely joy!*

May you find joy today or at least a puppy.

07/30/2025

Are you a working caregiver? So are we.

and invited us to talk about it last week — sharing experiences from corporate America, personal business ownership, and entrepreneurship.

Natalie and I had the chance to tell our story about balancing careers and caregiving. It’s not an easy road, but it’s one worth talking about.

👉 Check out the full article here:

Stories From Real Working CaregiverS Actual working caregivers share their stories. Natalie Elliott Handy and her sister JJ Elliott Hill Natalie Elliott Handy (with sister JJ Elliott Hill) 7/29/25Natalie Elliott Handy, MSW, is a seasoned healthcare executive with over 25 years of experience in healt...

07/29/2025

Last Week of Break Rewind: Navigating Grief & Complex Family Dynamics with Nick Ga***rd

This is a powerful one you won't want to miss! As JJ and Natalie enjoy their final week of vacation, we're revisiting a raw and honest conversation with Nick Ga***rd. Nick shares the emotional toll of caring for his father, navigating a complicated past relationship, and the complex mix of loss, relief, and even anger after his passing.

This heartfelt discussion sheds light on:

➡️ The unique challenges of caregiving for a parent with a difficult history.
➡️ Processing complex grief, denial, and emotional burnout.
➡️ The vital importance of seeking support and sharing your story.
➡️ How forgiveness can truly pave the way for healing and personal growth.

If you're navigating the ups and downs of caregiving, loss, or strained family relationships, this episode offers real-life insights to help you feel seen and supported.

Tune in here: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2101429/episodes/16642654

07/28/2025

To every caregiver — this is for you.

The Caregiving in the U.S. 2025 study confirms what so many of us already feel every day: caregiving isn’t just growing… it’s exploding.

📊 63 million Americans—1 in 4 adults—are caring for someone they love. That’s 20 million more than just a decade ago.

👥 Caregivers aren’t one “type” of person. We’re spouses, siblings, kids, friends, neighbors… even children caring for parents.
• The average caregiver is 51, but 1 in 3 are under 50.
• 61% are women, 39% are men.
• Almost a third are “sandwich generation” caregivers—juggling kids and an aging parent.

The reality:
Nearly 1 in 4 provide 40+ hours of care each week.
4 in 10 are in high-intensity situations.
1 in 5 say their own health is struggling.

Caregivers are holding up families, communities, and even the economy—often without pay, support, or recognition.

It’s time for that to change.
✅ More paid leave.
✅ More respite care.
✅ More resources to ease the burden.

If you’re reading this exhausted, hopeful, frustrated, or all three at once—know this: the work you do matters more than you’ll ever be told.

07/26/2025

Emilie and I went to war a few years ago. It was a build-up that had been coming. She was caring for Mom 24/7, and I was that sibling “managing” things from afar. I’d like to say Natalie stepped in to mediate, but I’m pretty sure she ran for cover.

And the reason?

I have formally named it:
“The Battle on Banana Pudding Hill.”

Folks—no joke. This started over Mom’s banana pudding recipe.

Em had asked for a copy so she could make some for Mom. I, in all my eloquent wisdom, proceeded to lecture her about the cost of whole milk, real butter, flour. Seriously…it was post-COVID, and milk and eggs were atrocious, and we were on a budget.

How could we pay the power bill if she made pudding?

I held the recipe hostage. Honest to God.

Now, you all know the point of the story—it wasn’t the recipe. It was so much more.

Emilie – the woman just wanted to make some pudding. Mom loves that recipe. Mom loves to cook. Maybe it was a distraction for a few hours. Something Mom would eat. Pretty sure it was just pudding.

JJ – control freak. What? Not JJ. My finance background was saying, “we could spend money better,” “what if they make it wrong,” “what if we need money for something else?”

Natalie – working for peace like the head of the United Nations.

What I learned is this: there is no “control” in caregiving. Sometimes you just have to let go and make the pudding.

The small things we can’t let go of take away from the big things—relationship, fellowship, and time well spent. And time is our greatest asset.

Banana Pudding—as I recall, it turned out great. And I shall never hold a recipe hostage again!

Good luck reading this one. A legible copy is in the comments!

07/24/2025

Last night, Natalie had the honor of facilitating a panel discussion after the community showing of Caregiving, the Bradley Cooper–produced documentary.

While the event—sponsored by Good Samaritan Hospice, the Grandin Theatre, and Blue Ridge PBS—featured powerful clips from the film, the real connection came through the Q&A. The audience had the chance to hear from an esteemed panel of professionals… and the surprise? Every single one had been—or still is—a caregiver.

We truly are everywhere.

Thank you, Good Samaritan Hospice, for allowing Confessions of a Reluctant Caregiver to be part of this worthwhile event.

📸 Left to right:
Natalie Handy, Confessions of a Reluctant Caregiver
Jenifer Massie, BrightStar Care
Delaine Caldwell, Local Office on Aging – Roanoke
Catina Martin, Chaplain
Karen Miller, ALS Association
Emily Witt, Good Samaritan Hospice

07/23/2025

How do these "helpful" phrases make you feel?

'Life doesn't give us more than we can handle.'
'We don't get more than we can handle.'
'Everything happens for a reason.'

Yeah, sometimes we want to throw something, too.

While clichés are well-intentioned, many times they feel like a slap in the face.

This week, Things Not to Say to a Caregiver, created by our friend and fellow caregiver , tackles the topic with humor and some suggestions to get those well-meaning advice givers to change their tone.

Need someone to drop an anonymous link to the video to the well intentions advice giver? Natalie and I are happy to help!

https://youtu.be/UeXWhhLkBxg?si=Hr99E1A1vkZo5tqb

Johnny is struggling to care for his father while fending off saccharine wisdom from Aunt Marjorie. As tensions rise, Johnny finally cracks—just in time for ...