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Phelps County News, Rolla, MO (2025)

07/26/2025

In a surprise joint announcement this week, the Rolla Parks & Recreation Department and the Rolla Lions Club unveiled plans to establish the city’s first-ever clothing-optional recreational area, nestled discreetly between Ber Juan Park’s disc golf course and the Lion’s Club pavilion.

Dubbed “Freedom Grove: A Natural Approach to Community Engagement,” the project is being billed as “a bold, body-positive collaboration that’s 40% civic engagement, 60% SPF 50.”

“Rolla has long needed a safe space where residents can toss the shirt, drop the shorts, and really connect with nature... and each other,” said Parks Director Floyd Jernigan, who emphasized the site would include eco-friendly towel racks and filtered misting stations. “We believe this will be a huge draw for locals and visitors who feel restricted by traditional shorts-based recreation.”

The area will be open to the public on weekends and select Wednesdays, though a waiver must be signed acknowledging the risk of poison ivy, goose encounters, and awkward eye contact.

The Rolla Lions Club is also contributing by offering a rotating schedule of nude-friendly pancake breakfasts, blindfolded sack races, and a no-sand volleyball court.

“Service is our motto,” said longtime Lions member Carl “Two Suns” Gribble. “And that includes serving people who don’t believe in tan lines.”

Some locals have expressed concern about the proposed location, particularly because it overlaps with a popular trail used by joggers, dog walkers, and confused Missouri S&T freshmen.

“It’s already hard enough to get my toddler to keep her shoes on at the playground,” said Rolla mom Tara Jenkins. “Now I’ve got to explain to her why Mr. Gary from the farmers market is rollerblading in just a sunhat.”

Officials have promised the area will be clearly marked with discreet signage, including a 12-foot wood-carved statue of a winking lion holding a fig leaf.

According to city estimates, the Freedom Grove initiative could bring in over $14,000 in towel rental revenue and at least two Vice documentary crews in its first year.

Asked whether this would open the door to additional “clothing-optional zones” around Rolla, Mayor Lou Magdits, who did not attend the unveiling, issued a brief written statement:

“I had absolutely nothing to do with this.”

07/25/2025

For the first time in decades, the Rolla National Airport saw a commercial airliner land on purpose.

On Thursday morning, a Spirit Airlines Airbus A319 touched down on the cracked but capable runway at Rolla-Vichy National in a surprise PR stunt, kicking off what company reps called their “Flyover Futures” initiative - an attempt to bring discount airfare to places no one asked for it.

Company officials said the landing was designed to “build buzz and manifest interest” in launching eventual daily service from Rolla to “major regional destinations such as Las Vegas, Akron, Shreveport, Chicago, and maybe Branson if the wind cooperates.”

The Spirit jet was joined on the tarmac by the now-familiar white Gulfstream G700 known as “The Rapture Express”, the private aircraft of Rev. Dr. Travis Jettison, senior global pastor of Victory Light Church, which recently broke grown for a megacampus in the former Big Lots building in Rolla.

Rolla National Airport, though little-known to the general public, is actually a surprisingly well-equipped facility with two 5,500-foot runways, full GPS and VOR approach systems, and a brand new terminal building that includes working restrooms, fluorescent lighting, and a vending machine that accepts Apple Pay.

“We’ve quietly been preparing for years,” said Airport Director Darrin Bacon. “We didn’t expect Spirit Airlines to just show up like a gender reveal plane gone wrong, but we’re ready. We’ve got the runways. We’ve got the space. We even upgraded the hand dryers.”

While the airport handles daily private traffic, charter operations, and the Rapture Express’ weekly comings and goings, Thursday marked the first time since the 1980s that a major airline flew into Vichy with actual humans on board and not just spare parts for a crop duster.

New Rolla City Administrator Michael Riesberg, formerly of Winter Park, Colorado, a town known for ski resorts, wine tours, and people who pay $7 for coffee, watched the Spirit landing with visible excitement.

“I see this as the gateway to Rolla’s next chapter,” he said, holding a brochure mock-up for something called ‘Ozark Air Adventure & Tech Corridor’. “If we can get just one family from Indiana to visit Fugitive Beach or take a picture with a roadside alpaca, that’s tax revenue.”

Riesberg believes the Spirit partnership could kickstart a tourism renaissance for Rolla, especially when combined with the Victory Light megachurch’s draw of thousands of weekly worshippers, many of whom arrive by bus, Sprinter van, or divine calling.

The Rolla Area Chamber of Commerce, affectionately referred to as the “Chamber Chicks”, rolled onto the tarmac in a convoy of decorated golf carts to welcome Spirit with their signature brand of small-town cheer.

“This is a moment for Rolla,” said Chamber President Jessica Barron, while setting up a Spirit Airlines-themed balloon arch that deflated immediately upon exposure to jet exhaust.

The Chamber hosted a small press reception featuring:

- A cookie cake reading “We’re On The Map (Again?)”

- A pop-up merch booth selling “Fly Rolla, Fly Cheap” shirts

- And a commemorative photo op where the Chamber posed awkwardly with a confused Spirit flight crew and a cardboard cutout of Pastor Jettison holding a fog machine

But not everyone was thrilled.

Just a bud light throw across the field at dive-bar and pool hall Sput's Place, longtime owner and professional buzzkill Warren "Sput" Rogers was delivering one of his legendary political tirades—this time accusing Spirit Airlines of being “a fascist Uber for the skies” and suggesting that their landing was somehow tied to “Trump’s plan to airlift stupidity into Maries County.”

Rogers, who once forced bar patrons to read aloud from the Mueller Report before being served, vehemently despises Trump, which makes his continued business success in a county where 80% of voters backed Trump all the more perplexing.

“The man’s got a bar full of people in MAGA hats,” said one regular. “He calls them idiots, and they still come back for $1.75 PBR and karaoke night. It’s like emotional masochism with a jukebox.”

Rogers believes the Spirit landing and the Victory Light jet are part of a broader “Evangelical-Industrial Complex” plot to turn the Ozarks into a Christian Disneyland. “The jet’s probably full of campaign donations and snake oil,” he said, “and Spirit is just a tax write-off for Big Bible.”

Rogers, who bans Fox News and replaced ESPN with livestreams of MSNBC, views the expansion as part of a MAGA-fueled corporate invasion. His theory that the Pennsylvania assassination attempt was “a blanks-only PR op” is not widely shared, but it does come laminated on every Sput's Place menu.

Regulars at Sput's were split: some welcomed the idea of cheap flights to Vegas, while others just wanted to finish their cheeseburger in peace.

Brewer Science, the high-tech microelectronics company nestled near the airport, issued a cautiously enthusiastic statement:

“We support infrastructure upgrades and convenient travel for our employees,” said a spokesperson. “We’re still figuring out why there’s a megachurch jet landing next to our photolithography lab, but sure. Progress.”

Privately, one Brewer employee was heard asking, “Is it normal for a pastor to have a jet that costs more than our entire cleanroom?”

While Spirit Airlines has not confirmed exact flight schedules, they promise a “tentative, aspirational, and possibly seasonal service plan” for 2025. Meanwhile, the Chamber Chicks are already designing banners, Riesberg is drafting grant proposals for a travel plaza, and Pastor Jettisons’ Rapture Express now has its own prayer tent next to Hangar B.

As for the airport itself?

The newly opened gift shop at Rolla National Airport is already drawing attention from travelers and confused locals alike. Tucked inside the freshly remodeled terminal, between the vending machine and a wall-mounted fan, the shop offers a curated selection of “Rolla Proud” merchandise and aviation-themed oddities. Travelers can pick up Spirit-branded neck pillows, mini bottles of Ozark moonshine labeled "In-Flight Courage," and glossy postcards featuring the airport’s famous water tower. The Victory Light Church section sells Rapture Express snow globes and blessed seatbelt extenders, while a dusty corner shelf houses leftover Route 66 souvenirs that were definitely made in China. A small rack of handmade keychains crafted by the Chamber Chicks themselves proudly displays slogans like “Fly Rolla or Don’t” and “Jet Lag for Jesus.” All major credit cards accepted, unless the power’s out.

“Honestly,” said Director Bacon, “between Spirit, the Rapture Express, and Warren "Sput" Rogers foaming at the mouth, this might be the most attention we’ve gotten in 40 years.”

07/24/2025

In a bold move that has confused shoppers and delighted corporate shareholders, the Kroger store in Rolla has unofficially declared itself a “living museum of 1980s grocery retail,” opting to preserve its sagging ceiling tiles, broken fryers, and yellowing floor tiles “in their natural state.”

Despite looking like the setting for a low-budget zombie movie, the store remains remarkably busy - thanks in part to local residents who have long accepted that disappointment is just part of the Kroger brand.

“I come here twice a week,” said longtime customer Dorothy Kellerman, pausing under a brown-streaked ceiling tile. “It’s like shopping inside an abandoned Pizza Hut. You learn to dodge the buckets.”

Store manager Kyle Denton, 28, says the building’s condition isn’t a sign of neglect... it’s an immersive experience.

“We call it ‘authentic Americana,’” Denton said, gesturing proudly at a flickering light in the meat department. “That fryer’s been down since Memorial Day, and guess what? We’re still sellin’ chicken.”

When asked if there was a timeline for repairs, Denton chuckled. “We submitted a work order, but it got routed to a fax machine in Cincinnati. So probably not.”

Kroger corporate, headquartered in Ohio, released a statement calling the Rolla store “a testament to resilience and low expectations.”

“Some stores choose to remodel. We choose to inspire nostalgia,” the statement read. “The water stains are a metaphor. For what, we’re not sure.”

The company added that customer satisfaction remains high “among those with poor vision and no sense of smell.”

Local resident and amateur historian Randy Blevins has started a petition to place the store on the National Register of Historic Places.

“You can’t replicate this vibe,” Blevins said. “The tilting freezer case, the broken intercom, the sense that you're about to fall through the floor... it’s Rolla’s last piece of mid-century despair. We have to protect it.”

Despite the store’s crumbling infrastructure, business continues as usual. Customers still pack the aisles, the self-checkout lines stretch to the meat department, and the only thing colder than the freezer section is the look the deli clerk gives you when you ask if the fryer is working.

At press time, a sign had been placed near the bakery that read:
“Pardon our appearance. We’re choosing not to care.”

07/23/2025

Phelps Health announced this week the opening of its new Express Collection Wing, a first-of-its-kind facility designed to streamline the patient experience by skipping medical care entirely and sending visitors straight to billing.

Dubbed the “Fast Track to Financial Ruin Pavilion” by internal memos, the wing features sleek touchscreen kiosks where patients can enter their Social Security number, upload their pay stubs, and authorize wage garnishment before even seeing a nurse.

“We’re just being honest with people,” said new Phelps Health Chief Financial Officer Brent Carlyle, who previously worked in payday lending. “Most of our patients don’t get treated. They get coded, billed, denied, then sent to collections. Why delay the inevitable?”

The announcement coincides with Phelps Health setting a regional record for slowest emergency room response time, recently certified by the Missouri Department of Time Mismanagement. According to the report, the average ER patient in Rolla now waits 14 hours to be triaged and another 9 hours for an IV.

“We’ve had three generations of the same family in the waiting room at once,” said ER nurse Dana Wilcox. “One guy came in with a broken leg in April and left with grandkids.”

Hospital officials have defended the pace, claiming it fosters a sense of “reflective wellness” and allows time for “creative revenue enhancement.”

“We like to let the infection develop,” said Dr. Troy Elson, Director of Patient Monetization. “The worse it gets, the more we can charge for it.”

Meanwhile, Phelps Health Board Chair Annie Bass continues to shoulder a more visible responsibility by updating the hospital’s “It’s Been __ Days Since a Preventable Fatal Incident” sign just outside the main elevators.

The whiteboard-style sign has become a recurring source of stress for Bass, who has had to reset it nine times this month, including twice on Tuesday.

“We got all the way to four days last week,” she said, uncapping a dry erase marker with the grim efficiency of someone used to the routine. “Then we had a... let’s just say ‘multi-code’ situation involving a mislabeled blood bag and a birthday balloon. I don’t want to talk about it.”

The hospital had considered removing the sign, but according to internal memos, patients found it “oddly reassuring” to know someone was keeping score.

“It’s really a morale booster,” said patient logistics manager Connie Snell. “When it hits double digits, we bring in cupcakes.”

In the new Express Collection Wing, patients can even opt into “Care Preview Mode,” where they are shown medical stock footage of procedures they might receive if they had better insurance.

“You can watch a colonoscopy being performed on a stock actor in Denmark,” said Snell. “We think it builds trust.”

Those unable to pay on-site can enroll in “CareLater Financing,” a program that offers competitive 38% APR loans with a $400 statement preparation fee. As part of the promotional rollout, patients who pre-pay their liens receive a commemorative Phelps Health stress ball shaped like a co-pay.

With rising costs, stagnant care, and a board chair who’s practically a professional fatality counter, Phelps Health says it's just adapting to modern realities.

“We’re not in the healthcare business,” CFO Carlyle clarified. “We’re in the revenue optimization business that just happens to have a few doctors still on payroll.”

07/22/2025

The Rolla City Council reconvened Monday evening for a meeting so brief, so uneventful, and so sparsely attended, it may have actually set a new municipal land-speed record. The entire meeting lasted just 36 minutes, ending precisely at 7:06 p.m. with the city’s most pressing issues once again safely ignored.

Mayor Lou Magdits, who has been spotted less frequently than Halley’s Comet in recent months, made a surprise appearance, seemingly just to remind everyone he still technically holds office. “I figured I’d check in,” Magdits said after the meeting, shrugging. “Besides, I was already downtown for a sandwich.”

His return dashed the hopes of Mayor ProTem Kevin Greven, who’d been spotted earlier in the week measuring City Hall for new carpet and a “Mayor in Waiting” desk plaque. “I had curtain swatches laid out and everything,” Greven whispered to a colleague while sullenly adjusting his gavel.

In what some are calling “the most compelling four minutes of government performance art,” the meeting’s livestream began with no audio. Councilperson Nathan Chirban delivered the opening prayer, but with no sound, viewers were left to imagine what divine appeals were being made.

“Maybe he prayed for attendance,” joked the local old curmudgeon who arrived ten minutes late in his usual overalls. “Didn’t help.”

The silence led some to speculate about what was said during those lost minutes.

“It might’ve been the most honest part of the meeting,” said one city staffer on background. “Or maybe just Nathan asking God to smite The Centre’s balance sheet.”

The council chambers were, charitably, half full. Four council members - Penner, Rolufs, Jackson, and Dickens were no-shows. Councilman August Rolufs was reportedly running a “Bogo Burrito Monday” at his taco truck and unavailable for legislative duties. “I got more customers in 20 minutes than the city had attendees all night,” Rolufs said unapologetically.

The public turnout was similarly bleak. Just a handful of regulars scattered themselves across the sea of blue chairs like bingo chips. Notably absent: David Dukes, Rolla’s eccentric street preacher, who sources say is “boycotting council meetings until the city installs gold-trimmed Ten Commandments plaques.”

To boost attendance, Councilman Aaron Pace floated a few marketing ideas: “Maybe we should have Theme Nights? Like Council Karaoke. Or Bobblehead Giveaways. Or hell, do a wet T-shirt contest. We’ve gotta try something.”

A rezoning hearing droned on for a few minutes before everyone gave polite nods and moved on. No votes were contentious. No debates arose. The city’s major issues, homelessness, the bleeding budget of The Centre, and the never-ending saga of the animal shelter were politely avoided like a pothole everyone knows is there but swerves around anyway.

“This council is laser-focused on the big picture,” said Greven. “Just not all in the same direction.”

Just before adjournment, City Administrator John Butz reminded the room that the council may need to reschedule a September meeting due to an upcoming municipal conference. The announcement immediately caught the attention of Councilman William Hahn, who had breathlessly mentioned the event at a previous meeting like a kid reminding his parents about Six Flags. “It’s basically spring break for city officials,” said one insider. “There’s workshops on things like ‘Engaging the Public Without Actually Listening,’ and ‘Advanced Eye-Contact Avoidance,’ but most folks are there for the hotel bar, free tote bags, and the legendary buffet shrimp tower.” Rumors persist that past Rolla delegations have shut down entire Courtyard Marriott lounges with late-night karaoke renditions of “Sweet Home Missouri.”

The meeting adjourned precisely at 7:06 p.m. . Staff members bolted for the exits like high school seniors on the last day of school. Magdits was already halfway to his car.

“What can I say?” the mayor said as he passed a reporter. “Sometimes the best government is the one that goes home early.”

07/21/2025

With sweltering temperatures and grid stress reaching new highs, Rolla Municipal Utilities (RMU) is asking residents to turn down their thermostats and turn up their willingness to report each other.

As part of its Peak Alert Program, RMU has launched a new community engagement initiative called “Hotline & Wine,” a platform where concerned citizens can email or text anonymous tips about neighbors who are “recklessly endangering the grid” by living in comfort.

“If you see something, say something,” said RMU spokesperson Debbie Krill, sipping boxed chardonnay at a press conference held beneath a broken ceiling fan. “It’s not tattling if it’s for the greater electric good.”

Between 3:00 and 7:00 p.m., Monday through Friday, residents are asked to:

* Not run the oven, dryer, or microwave

* Unplug “non-essential” appliances like lights, CPAP machines, and morale

* Avoid breathing heavily or showing signs of vitality

And now, they’re also invited to report violators to RMU by texting “TOOHOT” to 573-341-1444 or emailing [email protected].

Tips can include:

- Descriptions of suspicious indoor ceiling fan use

- Photos of condensation forming on windows

- “The sound of someone microwaving pizza rolls at 5:46 p.m.”

- Ring camera footage of well-hydrated children

All reports go into RMU’s new “Civic Accountability Portal”, an online map showing which households received Peak Alerts and allegedly ignored them. Repeat offenders are flagged in orange and tagged with passive-aggressive comments like:

* “Must be nice.”

* “Probably one of those people who doesn’t recycle either.”

* “Enjoy your 72 degrees, planet killer.”

Residents who report five or more neighbors get a limited-edition "Thermostat Martyr" wine tumbler and a handwritten thank-you note from RMU interns, assuming the ink hasn't dried up in the heat.

“Everyone has to make sacrifices,” said Krill. “If you’re not willing to sit in a dark room with a wet paper towel on your forehead, you can at least help us identify those who refuse to suffer in solidarity.”

RMU insists the program is about “community unity,” not neighbor-on-neighbor hostility.

Still, tensions are mounting.

“I got reported for having a glow-in-the-dark Jesus nightlight on,” said local resident Penny Moore. “Now I’m listed as a Tier 3 Energy Deviant. The mailman won’t even wave at me anymore.”

RMU’s Suggestions for “Heat-Ethical Living”:

- Rub frozen peas on your neck like a pioneer

- Power your phone with judgment

- Instead of a fan, just cry a little and hope for breeze

- Lie motionless and rewatch old photos of winter

- Attend “Cool Down & Confess” Thursdays at Brewer Science’s basement

As Krill concluded, “We’re not saying you have to suffer - just that someone should. Preferably not us.”

07/20/2025

The vacant Big Lots on South Bishop Avenue, long a relic of Rolla’s retail decline, is being transformed into a 1,200-seat non-denominational mega church complete with escalators, golf cart shuttles, and a fog-machine-equipped sanctuary.

The new congregation, Victory Light Church, officially broke ground last week, promising what leaders call “an immersive worship environment that combines the love of Christ with the logistical efficiency of a Bass Pro Shops grand opening.”

“Our goal is simple,” said Senior Global Pastor Travis Jettison, speaking from the partially demolished garden center. “We want to reach the lost. And if necessary, reclaim the found from other churches that aren’t offering the full LED experience.”

According to building permits filed with the City of Rolla, the new facility will include:

- Two indoor escalators (“symbolizing upward spiritual momentum,” according to church signage),

- A multimedia worship dome with programmable laser lights and fog machines,

- A café called Holy Grounds offering fair-trade espresso, acai bowls, and tithing kiosks,

- And a fleet of six golf carts with Victory Light branding to shuttle members from the far end of the parking lot to the front doors.

A team of greeters will reportedly be stationed every 15 feet, including four “High Five Hosts”, two “Handshake Hype Captains”, and a spiritual traffic controller to guide new visitors to their assigned row.

The church will operate on a six-service-per-weekend rotation, with two “express sessions” capped at 35 minutes. A youth-led worship night known as Glow-Up for God will feature live DJ sets, ambient smoke, and synchronized strobe-based altar calls.

Victory Light's worship style blends top-charting Christian hits with original songs like "Unspoken Revival (He Is Vaguely Enough)" and "You Called Me on the Waters (And I Sent You to Voicemail)."

The worship team includes four acoustic guitarists, three synth pads, and one 14-year-old homeschooler named Ezekiel who plays the drums with both technical precision and biblical vengeance. All team members are required to wear distressed jeans, ankle boots, and oversized neutral-toned sweaters, regardless of season.

While Victory Light claims it is focused on “the unchurched,” critics note its advertising seems to specifically target Rolla’s already church-going population.

Digital flyers circulating on Facebook have featured phrases like “Your church was the warm-up. Get ready for the main stage.” Others invite locals to “leave religion behind and step into relevance.”

“They offered my youth pastor a signing bonus and a used Dodge Charger,” said Pastor Matthew Peery of Spring Creek Baptist Church.

Dale Wands, pastor of Community Christian Church and one of Rolla’s largest landlords, remarked, “They better be ready to pay full triple-net.”

David Dukes, a well-known street preacher who conducts loud, unpermitted revivals outside the old Family Video, was less impressed. “I don’t need fog machines. I have the Holy Spirit and a megaphone.”

Justin Cook, pastor of Greentree Christian Church, declined to comment but reportedly instructed his church’s finance team to “go ahead and double the laser budget, just in case.”

Victory Light will employ a 10-person “Kingdom Security” team made up of retired law enforcement and fit grandmothers in high-vis vests. A three-camera surveillance system will monitor the sanctuary, while the preschool wing will feature facial recognition sign-in, a volunteer dad with a tactical vest, and foam pit baptisms on Wednesdays.

Rolla joins a growing list of small Midwestern towns seeing large-scale, non-denominational expansions. Victory Light is the second-largest church to open in Phelps County in the last decade, trailing only the reopening of Applebee’s after a six-month plumbing crisis.

“People just want to feel something,” said Associate Pastor of Weekend Coordination Morgan Leigh, adjusting a ring light in the church’s content studio. “They want authenticity, filtered through haze and lights, and available on-demand via livestream.”

The church’s launch event this fall will include a drone-delivered communion tray, a 200-person choir singing “Reckless Love” in six harmonies, and a helicopter egg drop for the kids’ ministry.

“This is what the early church would’ve done,” Pastor Jettison said. “If they had a decent WiFi signal and at least one marketing intern.”

07/19/2025

Tired of crossing deserts just to be stuck in some understaffed holding facility in Texas? Dreaming of a more relaxing deportation experience? Come to Missouri’s own Club Phelps™! The Midwest’s top-rated immigration retreat, brought to you by the Phelps County Sheriff's Department and the U.S. taxpayers!

Now accepting guests via ICE transport seven days a week, Club Phelps (formerly known as Phelps County Jail) offers deluxe cinderblock suites, Irish Spring amenities, and a vibrant community of fellow undocumented travelers; whether you're waiting for your hearing or just hoping to vibe in Rolla for a while.

And thanks to visionary leadership from Sheriff Michael P. Kirn—nicknamed Mike “Hospitality First” Kirn by detainees and county commissioners alike-the facility now pulls in $85 per detainee per night, totaling up to $3,000 per day when the rooms are full. That’s nearly $90,000 per month in passive detention income. As one "Rolla Chamber Chick" put it: “Finally, a tourism model that works.”

"Every bed is a blessing," Sheriff Kirn said at a recent Chamber of Commerce lunch, toasting a plate of pulled pork and federal reimbursements. “If you're going to detain people, you might as well do it with Midwestern hospitality.”

Sheriff Kirn emphasized that the jail is "balancing public safety and profit,” though critics note the same was said about the Centre.

The sheriff’s office has rolled out new branding for the facility, including a limited-edition “Club Phelps” hoodie, stainless steel water bottles, and a commissary menu that now includes spicy Takis and novelty beef sticks.

“We don’t have a pool,” Kirn said. “But we do have court dates and flavored ramen. Same thing.”

Not everyone is thrilled with the accommodations. While many detainees express gratitude, a growing number are jealous of the ones getting care packages from Rolla’s resident activist group, Abide in Love.

The nonprofit, made up of church ladies, bilingual grandmas, and overachieving undergrads, has supplied over 200 detainees with essentials like deodorant, pen-pal letters, and religious encouragement.

“I heard one guy got a prepaid phone card and socks,” said Luis, a 32-year-old detainee from Honduras. “Meanwhile I’m here sharing a crossword puzzle with three other dudes. Where’s my merch?”

The group says they’re doing what they can. “We’re not trying to create favorites,” said founder Jeanette Brightman, gently labeling a gallon Ziploc bag full of prayers and travel size shampoo. “But honestly, the ones who say "thank you" get more toothpaste.”

Of course, no stay at Club Phelps would be complete without a sense of adventure. In 2023, federal inmate and militia aficionado Johnny O’Dell made headlines after slipping past jail staff, setting off a manhunt involving drones, dogs, and at least one guy in a lifted truck who thought he could help.

O’Dell, who was facing 44 federal charges and had plans to “liberate” Missouri from sanity was recaptured a few days later, but not before local news stations enjoyed a rare ratings spike. Reportedly inspired by the movie Con Air, O'Dell told federal agents he thought “ICE custody” meant free snow cones.

“Look, we fixed the back gate,” Sheriff Kirn said. “We’re not the Ritz-Carlton of ICE facilities - more like a La Quinta with barbed wire. We’ve learned a lot since the Great Johnny Getaway. Like maybe don’t let the guy with pipe bomb charges take out the trash.”

Riding high on the influx of per-diem profits, county commissioners are exploring ways to enhance the detainee experience and cash in further. A proposed ICE Experience Center would include an immigration-themed escape room (“Spoiler: you can’t escape”), a limited-edition mugshot photo booth, and a commissary cafe offering microwave burritos in six international flavors.

One commissioner suggested a tie-in with the Rolla Chamber of Commerce, dubbing it “Dine, Detain, and Discover.”

To commemorate their stay, detainees can now browse the Club Phelps Gift Shop, which features:

- “ICE ICE Maybe” novelty mugs

- “I Got Detained in Rolla and All I Got Was This Orange Jumpsuit” T-shirts

- Sheriff Kirn bobbleheads (only available in bulk)

- Commissary cookbooks: Ramen Cuisine for the Federally Sponsored Traveler

- Scented candles called Reasonable Suspicion

The shop also sells postcards, pre-stamped for Guatemala, Colombia, El Salvador, and Springfield, Missouri.

Club Phelps is fully accredited by ICE Enforcement & Removal Operations, with 24-hour supervision and mostly functioning plumbing. Bed availability is limited, and transportation is provided free... assuming you’re apprehended in the right jurisdiction.

“Some people go to Cancun,” Kirn said. “Some get Club Fed. But for my money, Club Phelps is the perfect blend of punishment and perks.”

He then adjusted his badge, turned to a detainee who had just received a letter from Abide in Love, and muttered, “Don’t forget to tag us when you post that.”

When asked if the county planned to expand its capacity, Sheriff Kirn simply smiled. “There’s always room at the inn,” he said, “especially if ICE is footing the bill.”

Phelps County News

07/26/2025

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07/24/2025

07/23/2025

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