Phelps County News

09/15/2025

Rolla officials say they’ve found a creative way to make up for the revenue lost when the Phelps County Sheriff’s Office announced it will no longer house ICE detainees: put the detainees in the city’s nearly finished animal shelter.

“With the county stepping away from the ICE contract, we saw an opportunity,” said Councilperson Kevin Greven, who again filled in for Mayor Lou Magdits, reportedly “busy” since Friday’s secretive Centre deal. “At $85 a night, those cages will pay for themselves before the ribbon-cutting.”

Councilman Andrew Bernhardt, a history professor at Missouri S&T, offered his own spin: “Honestly, it’s poetic. Future historians will see this as a perfect case study in late-stage municipal capitalism ... and maybe they’ll finally stop emailing me about my wife's Charlie Kirk Facebook post.”

Local nonprofit Abide in Love, which has long delivered soap, phone cards, and Spanish Bibles to detainees, said they’re ready to expand operations. “We’ll add Milk-Bones to the list,” a spokesperson clarified, “for the dogs, not the detainees. Probably.”

The program, internally dubbed Operation Kennel Cash, will rotate detainees in during off-peak shelter hours to avoid conflicts with public adoptions and obedience classes.

City staff say the first “Adopt-a-Detainee Weekend” could be held as early as October.

09/14/2025

In a move that stunned even veteran city-council watchers, Phelps Health announced Friday afternoon that it had signed a Letter of Intent to take over operations of The Centre... without a Request for Proposals, public hearing, or council vote.

Unlike the city’s 2020 management change to Power Wellness, which went through a full RFP process and council approval, this deal appears to have been negotiated entirely behind closed doors. No competing bids were sought. No council workshop was held. No citizen got their three minutes at the podium.

“This is what good government looks like ... if you define ‘good government’ as skipping every step where the public gets to participate,” said a city hall insider. "Who needs a competitive bid process when you’ve got a good handshake deal and a press release template?”

The hospital’s press release carefully stated that Rolla will “retain responsibility and control of the natatorium (indoor pool) while the community explores additional opportunities for that space.”

To many readers, that sounded like good news: that the pool was “saved.” But city watchers say the language is a master class in bureaucratic double-speak.

“They’re not saving the pool,” said a longtime member. “They’re saving the building around the pool and leaving us the world’s most expensive puddle. ‘Explore opportunities for that space’ means start brainstorming what to put there once the pool closes.”

Ideas floated on social media for “opportunities” included pickleball courts, yoga studios, or a municipal storage shed for city hall’s filing cabinets.

Since the release, City Hall has remained publicly silent. The last special workshop on The Centre was canceled, and no formal city statement accompanied the hospital’s announcement.

Mayor Lou Magdits is expected to finally address the deal and the natatorium’s future at Monday’s 6:30 p.m. council meeting. This will be the first chance the public will have to ask questions about a deal that appears to be already done.

Phelps Health promised to “transition” current Centre members into its system. Which a choice of words that left some residents uneasy.

“Nothing says ‘don’t panic’ like telling people they’re about to be transitioned,” said gym-goer Joe McLifter. “It sounds like we’re being loaded onto a shuttle for re-education.”

When voters approved the 1998 half-cent parks sales tax, they were promised four things: an indoor pool, indoor walking track, outdoor pool, and indoor recreation center. Those facilities were built; and for more than two decades, taxpayers have subsidized them, including with ARPA funds during the pandemic.

Now, one of those four promises is clearly on the chopping block, and the decision-making process has gone from open council sessions to Friday afternoon PR drops.

Dropping news at 4:59 p.m. on a Friday is a time-honored way to avoid public backlash. But the quiet rollout has only fueled suspicion that the city may already be well down the road toward signing a final agreement before the public ever gets a say.

“Normally you’d open bidding to see what the best deal is. Rolla just opened a group chat with Phelps Health and said ‘you up?," said an anonymous council source.

The Wednesday council meeting is expected to be packed, as residents show up to demand answers about why there was no RFP, why the deal was done in secret, and whether “retain control” actually means “keep open.”

For now, Rolla taxpayers remain in control of exactly one thing: the chlorine bill.

09/13/2025

New Travel Ball Team to form in Phelps County

Sports Section by Davie Robbers

The crack of bats and the rustle of checkbooks filled Ber Juan Park on Tuesday as a new figure arrived in town promising to turn every Phelps County child into a future Major League Baseball star... for a modest annual fee.

Coach Randy “Recruiter” Perkins, a self-described “player development guru,” announced the launch of the Phelps County Moneyballers, calling it “the last stop before the MLB Draft.”

“I’ve seen it all, St. Louis, Omaha, Wichita, and I can tell you, this county is an untapped goldmine of baseball talent,” Perkins said while distributing glossy trifold brochures in the parking lot. “Little Brayden over there? Five-tool stud. Emma? Total D1 hands. They’re all just one $600 bat and $5,000 season away from greatness.”

According to Perkins, the Moneyballers will feature year-round practices (“except maybe Christmas morning”), mandatory attendance at 14 regional tournaments (“all conveniently located within a seven-hour drive”), and an optional “mental toughness” camp held in a hotel ballroom somewhere near Des Moines.

Parents are also required to purchase matching bat bags, embroidered team jackets, and custom bleacher cushions “to show commitment to the process.”

“We are not just building players... we are building brands,” Perkins said. “Your child’s Instagram presence matters.”

By mid-afternoon, parents had already organized carpool groups, formed a hotel-lobby beverage committee, and begun researching which credit card offered the most cash-back on gas purchases.

“Coach says my son has elite launch-angle potential,” said Rolla dad Tom West, while hauling a YETI cooler to the bleachers. “This is an investment in his future — sure, we could put the money in a 529 plan, but this comes with a jersey that says ‘Elite.’”

“I told Coach we just wanted our daughter to have fun,” said parent Heather Klein. “He said that was fine, as long as we were okay with her never making varsity. So we signed the contract immediately.”

Perkins boasted that his previous teams had won “three rings, two medals, and one participation banner” at coach-pitch tournaments across the Midwest. The Moneyballers’ stated goal is to “win every weekend and develop character, in that order.”

“You can’t teach heart,” Perkins said, “but you can charge monthly for it.”

For players not selected for the top team, Perkins is offering a “developmental squad experience” at a slightly higher price. The program includes a practice jersey, weekly motivational emails, and “personalized exposure to college recruiters,” which Perkins clarified would involve “tagging them in Instagram highlights.”

Local hotels are preparing for a surge in weekend occupancy, the Dairy Queen drive-thru is bracing for Sunday night rushes, and at least two sets of parents are expected to stop speaking to one another by mid-season over batting order disputes.

City officials declined to comment, citing a conflict of interest after several council members signed up their grandchildren for the 9U division.

Tryouts are scheduled for next weekend at Lions Club Park. Perkins emphasized that “everyone will make a team” but did not specify how many payment tiers there would be.

“Trust me,” Perkins said with a grin. “I’ve seen your kids play. This town is one tournament away from Cooperstown.”

09/12/2025

On September 7, 2025, at approximately 3:30 p.m., when most Rolla residents were debating dinner plans or lining up at Price Chopper, police say one man opted for a different sort of takeout service... providing his own “meals on wheels” in front of the Episcopal Church on North Main Street.

According to a probable cause statement, Aaron Foster, a homelessman described only as “a black male with dreadlocks,” was allegedly spotted “beating the Sunday rush” in broad daylight. A father and his daughter, passing on 10th Street, told police they witnessed the man “buffing the bishop” and “auditioning for a one-man band” outside the church steps.

Witnesses, including the father and his daughter, reportedly asked the same question the city council has been asking about the Centre for years: “What exactly is that man holding, and why is it our problem?”

Officer Kevin Glosson responded quickly, noting in his report that Foster had his “instrument in hand” and was “clearly performing a solo.” Foster was arrested on West 9th Street and booked for Sexual Misconduct in the First Degree, after what officials described as “an unlicensed matinee performance.”

City Hall immediately sprang into action... or at least pretended to. Councilman August Rolufs, busy parking his taco truck, declared, “This is why we need more tortillas, not testicles, downtown.” Retiring City Administrator John Butz sighed, “I always said Rolla needed exposure, but this wasn’t the kind of stimulus package I had in mind.”

Mayor-in-waiting Kevin Greven called for calm, telling reporters, “We will get to the bottom of this… no pun intended.” He then suggested forming a new “Task Force on Trouser Safety,” to be funded by leftover flood detention money.

In a surprise twist, local entrepreneur and part-time bowling alley DJ Chet “Thunderstick” Malloy has offered to sponsor new signage downtown reading “Keep Your Hands on the Wheel, Not Yourself.” Malloy said the incident was bad for tourism, adding, “You can’t spell ‘self-pleasure’ without ‘Phelps,’ and that’s not the branding we’re going for.”

Meanwhile, Spirit Halloween has expressed interest in renting the exact sidewalk where the incident occurred, citing its “already spooky energy” and “excellent frontage for trick-or-treaters.”

Police remind citizens that public indecency remains illegal in Rolla, even if it is, technically speaking, “the fastest growing sport in Phelps County.”

Police concluded their report by reminding residents that Rolla is a community built on values of decency, dignity, and occasionally tacos, not “DIY matinee performances.” “At the end of the day,” one officer remarked, “this was a case of self-incrimination, heavy on the hand.” Officials say the matter is now in the hands of the court...literally.

Finally, while Rolla prides itself on being open for business, some things are better left zipped up.

09/11/2025

09/11/2025

We just don’t feel like making jokes today.

We usually don’t break the third wall of the little world we’ve built here, but today we feel like we should.

We use satire and humor to make points and tell truths in a way that gets people to look twice. We know that can make people angry. We’re not naive enough to think that everyone laughs along, and we know there are folks out there delusional enough to think that hurting someone who writes jokes would somehow make them a hero.

Our writer Kyle is already in the hospital enough.

Today, we’re thinking about Charlie Kirk and his family. Whatever you thought of his politics, he also used humor to try to change the world, and that’s a dangerous job sometimes.

What’s shocked us even more is how many people are celebrating his death online.
If you celebrate the death, you celebrate the murder by association.
Others will see that, and the cycle will continue.

We’ll be back to p**p jokes and dick jokes Friday.

Love your neighbors. Love your enemies.

— Phelps County News

09/10/2025

Missouri officials announced this week that the state, facing what they called “an ongoing budget crisis,” has agreed to privatize Little Prairie Lake in Phelps County and redevelop it into what they described as “the next Osage Beach.”

The 97-acre reservoir, better known to locals as Towell Lake, has long been a quiet fishing and hiking destination. But under the new plan, the Missouri Department of Conservation will lease the entire 342-acre Little Prairie Conservation Area to a group of private developers. In exchange, the state will collect a one-time cash payment and “a lifetime of sales tax revenue on frozen margaritas.”

Developers unveiled a vision that includes lakefront condos, a tiki-themed resort, and a new attraction called Prairie Cove, marketed as a smaller, rowdier cousin of Lake of the Ozarks’ infamous Party Cove.

“Heilbrunn Prairie will be reborn as a go-kart superplex and 18-hole mini golf course,” said one project consultant. “The prairie chickens will just have to adapt.”

Plans also call for a Towell Lake Casino Barge, offering slot machines shaped like bass, and a lazy river “modeled after I-44, complete with potholes.”

Phelps County Commissioner Ronnie Drummond was supportive of the project.

“I don’t fish, but if we can line the cove with ten taco trucks, that’s progress,” Drummond said.

Retiring City Administrator John Butz warned of traffic issues, but developers said they’ll solve the problem by adding a third roundabout to funnel boats onto Route RA.

RMU spokesman Big Rod Bourne said the project will require three new substations.

“Don’t worry,” Bourne explained. “We’ll just double electric rates for the tourists. You’ll barely notice.”

The Rolla City Council'sspiritual advisor, Councilman Nathan Chirban, blessed the project during a lakeside ceremony.

“The Lord giveth prairie grass, but the Lord taketh away for water slides,” Chirban said, sprinkling holy water over an artist’s rendering of a Jimmy Buffett tribute bar.

Governor’s staff defended the privatization, calling it “Lake of the Ozarks meets Silver Dollar City, but cheaper.”

State tourism officials already have a name: Osage Beach East. Billboards promoting the resort are expected to go up along I-44 this fall, featuring the slogan: “Little Prairie, Big Party.”

Despite criticism from conservationists, developers say they are confident. “Rolla doesn’t need another quiet fishing hole,” one investor explained. “What it needs is a Margaritaville Jr. with a Bass Pro gift shop.”

Construction is expected to begin as early as spring, provided the prairie grass can be cleared and the casino barge doesn’t sink.

09/09/2025

BREAKING: Rolla City Council Workshop Abruptly Canceled

In a move that stunned residents and baffled city staff, Rolla’s special council workshop scheduled for Tuesday, September 9, including a closed session and discussions on The Centre and the city budget, was abruptly canceled.

No official explanation has been given, but council members and local figures offered a patchwork of reasons ranging from the mundane to the bizarre.

Mayor Lou Magdits, nearing the end of his term, brushed off the cancellation: “Honestly, I just didn’t feel like it. I’ve got two episodes of Wheel of Fortune on the DVR, and I’d rather solve puzzles than hear about budget shortfalls.”

Councilperson Kevin Greven, widely rumored to be next in line for mayor, declared: “Why hold a meeting when we can just go straight to a ribbon-cutting for the Gatorade Water Tower? I’m a visionary, not a time-waster.”

City Councilman William Hahn claimed legal concerns: “Once I realized half the council wanted to livestream the closed session on TikTok, I advised them to avoid potential liability. Or at least bad filters.”

Spiritual advisor and Councilperson Nathan Chirban offered divine insight: “I prayed on it, and the Lord clearly said, ‘Skip it. Tuesdays are for tacos, not budgets.’ Who am I to argue with God?”

Street preacher David Dukes echoed apocalyptic themes: “The workshop was canceled because Babylon is falling and Rolla must repent. Also, I had front-row tickets to see Casting Crowns.”

Councilman August Rolufs, known for running a taco truck, cited small business concerns: “It was going to cut into my prep time for Taco Tuesday. If people want accountability, they can find it wrapped in a tortilla with extra salsa.”

Retiring City Administrator John Butz admitted fatigue: “Look, I’ve run enough of these meetings. At this point, if I hear one more report on pool maintenance, I might just climb into the filter myself.”

History professor and Councilman Andrew Behrendt added an academic twist: “Historically speaking, governments cancel meetings all the time. The Roman Senate skipped entire months whenever they felt like it. I’m just trying to keep us authentic.”

Finally, Councilman Aaron Pace, a plumber by trade, offered a practical reason: “I had to snake a drain. City pipes don’t unclog themselves. Priorities, people.”

The next regularly scheduled council meeting remains on the calendar, assuming no new divine messages, taco emergencies, or clogged drains intervene.

09/09/2025

Rolla officials say they’ve found a creative solution to one of the city’s most nagging infrastructure problems: how to pay for painting its three aging water towers.

Instead of dipping into the budget, or raising taxes, the city is exploring selling sponsorships and naming rights on the towers, much like sports stadiums or college bowl games.

“We’re talking prime real estate here,” Councilperson Kevin Greven said ahead of Tuesday's very unpublicized workshop. “Thousands of commuters on I-44 see those towers every day. Why shouldn’t they also know about the daily special at Scruff's Grill and American Taco Company?”

Other early proposals include:

- A neon green paint job and claw logo for the Monster Energy Water Tower.

- A fried-chicken bucket motif sponsored by Kentucky Fried Chicken.

- A rotating seasonal wrap so the smallest tower could double as a Spirit Halloween billboard.

Council also noted one national brand had expressed special interest: Gatorade. Though no deal is finalized, officials say they are intrigued by Gatorade’s pitch to paint the words “It’s What Plants Crave” across the largest tower. “Water’s fine and all,” said one consultant, “but Rolla could be the first city in America to admit what the science has been saying all along... electrolytes matter.”

City staff have been tasked with drafting guidelines for “aesthetic appropriateness.” When asked what that meant, one official shrugged: “As long as it’s spelled right and the check clears, it’s appropriate.”

Some citizens voiced concern that Rolla’s skyline could become cluttered with advertising. Others embraced the concept. “If McDonald’s wants to cover a tower in the golden arches, that’s fine,” said longtime resident Bill Prather. “Just don’t let Brightspeed sponsor one... we’ll never see it finished.”

Mayor Lou Magdits, who has mostly avoided big initiatives in his final term, appeared supportive: “It’s a win-win. The towers get painted, and Rolla gets a reputation as the first Midwestern city with a corporate-branded skyline. Frankly, I’m surprised Olive Garden hasn’t already bought one.”

The plan will come back to council next month for a final vote. Early estimates suggest tower sponsorships could bring in between $150,000 and $500,000 over the next decade, depending on how many brands are willing to gamble on being Rolla’s tallest advertiser.

In a reminder that this plan is still “in the works,” the City of Rolla has scheduled a special council workshop tonight Tuesday, September 9 beginning with a closed session before moving into regular session. Staff are expected to present early sponsorship guidelines, while councilmembers weigh whether the Gatorade “It’s Got Electrolytes” motif is tasteful civic branding or the moment Rolla officially becomes a stadium.

09/09/2025

Editor Barry Stank, seen exiting local foot massage business. Bunions or something sinister. We will yank an answer out him tomorrow.

09/08/2025

The identity of Missouri’s newest billionaire may remain officially anonymous, but this week the Phelps County News secured an exclusive interview with the state’s $893.5 million Powerball jackpot winner... And great news --- he lives in Rolla !

The winner, who insists on being referred to only as “A Concerned Citizen of Phelps County,” revealed ambitious plans for Rolla that range from the practical to the downright visionary.

“First off, I’m fixing The Centre,” the winner said. “For too long it’s been a gym with a pool that may or may not be open. That changes now. We’re putting in indoor tennis courts, 12 pickleball courts, and maybe a Chick-fil-A in the lobby. Rolla deserves world-class leisure options.”

The winner also announced intentions to purchase the old Kmart building for “mixed-use recreation.” Proposals include a climate-controlled dog park, an indoor Ferris wheel, and a laser tag arena modeled after the Rolla roundabouts.

When asked about infrastructure, the winner admitted he wasn’t interested in potholes or sewer lines, but promised to bankroll a monorail “from Walmart to Los Arcos and back, so we can finally solve the parking lot problem.”

Despite being legally shielded by Missouri’s anonymity laws, the new billionaire made one thing clear: “This is Rolla’s money now. And if you don’t like my pickleball empire, I’ll just move it all to St. James.”