06/27/2025
I am constantly coming up with ideas for new bands.
Not all are winners, and never get past the "what about this idea" phase. But I think I should run with this one!
Who's in?
Picture a band called The Final Countdowners, all pushing their 60s but still rocking enormous teased hairβgrayer, but just as voluminousβwearing bedazzled orthopedic boots and leopard-print compression socks. Their spandex outfits are stretched over dad bods with unapologetic beer bellies, accessorized with studded walkers or canes. They grin under faded tattoos, clutching instruments adorned with reading glasses clipped to the headstocks.
Their stage show features pyrotechnics toned down for safety, smoke machines triggering mild coughing fits, and lights bright enough to need prescription shades. Between songs, they swap stories about how they once shared a dressing room with Ratt but now swap tips on cholesterol meds.
Their vibe is total self-aware comedy: still shredding guitar solos, but stopping to rub arthritic wrists; hitting high notes, but only in short bursts before breathlessly laughing it off; bantering with the audience about how they used to party all night, but now prefer to nap all day.
The Final Countdowners keep the spirit of 80s hair metal alive by embracing their age with humor, nostalgia, and unfiltered enthusiasm, proving the hair might gray, but it's all missing.
Rock Never Dies - but the bass player might.
