12/05/2025
I didn’t know it then, but I was addicted to the chemical high of ‘healing.’
Not the growth.
Not the peace.
The chemistry. 🧠
My nervous system got HOOKED, and when there wasn’t a problem, I unconsciously created one.
⬇️ Here’s how that addiction showed up:
1. I couldn’t tolerate emotional neutrality.
If life felt calm, my body panicked.
So I’d start overthinking, analyzing, “checking in,” or digging for trauma that didn’t exist.
Neutrality felt like withdrawal.
2. I created problems to feel “in progress.”
If nothing was wrong, I’d find something.
Examples?
• Turning tiny misunderstandings into “wounds.”
• Assuming every discomfort meant a trigger.
• Searching for deeper meaning in things that were just…life.
It kept my nervous system activated and I called it “doing the work.”
3. Every insight became a chemical hit.
That rush you get when something “clicks”?
Yeah… I started chasing that.
More journaling. More retreats. More shadow work.
It wasn’t healing, it was a dopamine loop disguised as spirituality.
4. I was rehearsing pain instead of repatterning it.
Every time I identified a “new” block, I fired the same neural pathways.
The same chemistry.
The same story.
My brain wasn’t healing, it was getting better at being dysregulated.
5. I didn’t know who I was without a struggle.
So my ego kept finding one.
Lack of chaos felt like boredom.
Peace felt like emptiness.
Stability felt like losing my identity.
The truth I had to face:
Your nervous system will choose the familiar pattern ALWAYS, even if it’s misery.
Every time you repeat the cycle, the brain engraves it deeper.
Not because you’re broken,
but because you’re wired for efficiency, not growth.
Breaking the pattern isn’t about being “more self-aware.”
It’s about choosing a new chemistry, a new baseline, a new identity.
Healing isn’t supposed to keep you activated.
It’s supposed to make you free.
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