McSweeney's

09/13/2025

"Minutes pass. The zipper remains unmoved. Their frustration rises. Tears are forming. The clock is ticking. You can feel your soul leaving your body."

You thought this morning was going well, didn’t you? You even got your kid to put on their shoes without a ten-minute existential crisis about sock...

09/13/2025

"I am not some sleek, futuristic glyph. I am the battered, coffee-stained backbone of writerly panic—the gasping pause where a thought should have ended but simply could not."

“In recent months, a curious fixation has emerged in corners of academia: the em dash. More specifically, the apparent moral panic around how it is...

09/12/2025

"It makes sense to spend the equivalent of fifty-five cars for a house that, at least between 2:34 p.m. and 2:44 p.m. on a Saturday, smells only slightly bad."

I feel totally fine buying things, as long as I do my research first. That’s why, after ten minutes at an open house, I’m now completely comfortabl...

09/12/2025

"It will start small, an Art Deco costume necklace here, a decorative brooch there. Eventually, bills will start to turn up for vintage hats and other millinery. You must be prepared to intervene long before she advances to tiaras."

It will start innocently enough. Your mom will watch the first seven episodes of season one and politely request to take her tea in bed. She might ...

09/12/2025

What did one dad say to the other dad?

Not much. Forging a new friendship as an adult male is exceptionally difficult.

Why did the banana split? It found out it was going to be a father. - - -Why do dads love mowing the lawn? They see lawn care as maintaining their ...

09/12/2025

Deepest congratulations to Kevin Moffett, whose forthcoming debut novel Only Son has been longlisted for the National Book Award! We can’t wait for you to discover this brilliant work for yourself.

“Kevin Moffett’s Only Son perfectly captures the long ache of fatherhood in all its baffling beauty. It’s an extraordinary book about the sometimes tender, sometimes distant, always mysterious relationship between fathers and sons, written with wit and warmth and just enough sting to make it real.”
—Nathan Hill, author of The Nix

Link in bio to order

09/12/2025

"I know some of you may be concerned about the optics of a giant inflatable ghost hovering outside a hospital. Does it send the wrong message? Maybe. But when weighed against the message of 'We’re shutting down, and the closest emergency room is 178 miles away,' Casper here doesn’t seem so bad."

Good evening, and thank you all for attending this important town hall meeting. Due to budget cuts, we’re excited to announce our groundbreaking me...

09/11/2025

"Unlike other chatbots, ChatPerson’s answers to your queries are provided by real humans. Specifically, it is staffed by writers, artists, and researchers whose livelihoods are in peril thanks to chatbots."

Joining ChatGPT, Gemini, Meta, and many other powerful chatbot services, we are proud to announce the release of our new RI (real intelligence) ser...

09/11/2025

"As time goes on, this will all pass away into memory, into a story with a beginning and a middle and finally an end. And that transition from the real into fable will bring its own kind of comfort and pain. Now, though, we may gather and distract one another, take comfort in our proximity, and know that we are, at this moment, safe."

Every year, we wonder what might be appropriate on this day, and we can never think of anything more appropriate than this piece, which John Hodgma...

09/11/2025

"Most people just bluff their way through it the first time and see what happens."

1. This used to be a rite of passage, but for your generation, I believe it’s considered optional. 2. You may be asked questions that you’re not ex...

09/11/2025

"It’s been weeks since you bought any produce from me, except for those Purple Comet Japanese eggplants last Saturday, and honestly, that felt like a pity buy."

Hey, Denise! Long time no see, stranger. You were walking so fast by my tent I almost thought you were trying to avoid me, ha ha! So how have you b...

09/10/2025

"Perhaps the quizzical look you gave me as I awkwardly exited the vehicle indicated that you are unfamiliar with the movie--nay, the cultural phenomenon. Let me summarize. It is a high-concept film: There is a K-pop band, and they are also demon hunters."

Ashley, can we talk about our driveway encounter the other day? I realize we don’t know each other very well, but let me just come right out and sa...