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The Friday Afternoon Lampoon, Sand Lake, NY (2026)

08/22/2026

New York City Bans Elephants

By Fionn mac Cumhaill

New York City’s rigidly progressive city council has finally gone too far. They have officially banned residents from having elephants in their apartments and the irate voting populous are ready for a mutiny. “We didn’t vote for this!” One Upper East Sider said, while sipping a Venti, Strawberry Cream Sugarless, 1/2 caf, Breve, with one sq**rt of vanilla syrup with stevia and one with regular sugar, topped with low-calorie whipped cream, applied counter clockwise and topped with strawberry-flavored sprinkles and then reheated by steam to 160 degrees.

Even left-wing stooge Hochul has had enough and is threatening to deport all the council members “back to east Kampala.”

“Who do these blue-haired freaks think they are!?” One outraged cabbie shrieked before hurling an adungu at Gracie Mansion.

“The city is on edge. Crime is through the roof. The cost of living is untenable. It hasn’t been this dark since the Redcoats were ra**ng all the colonial teenage girls. The heartbeat of this city is like a muffled groan. Alls I know is I’m movin’ out of here,” a pizza restaurant owner from the Bronx said. “Like the Billy Joel song, ‘I’m movin’ out. Da, da, da, da, da-da. You know, when Billy Joel wrote his song, ‘NY State of Mind.’ It wasn’t about this dump.”

The council did not immediately respond to requests for comment.

Read more at http://www.thefridayaftwrnoonlampoon.com

08/21/2026

Nantucket’s Housing Crisis- The Cost of Perception

By Fionn mac Cumhaill

Three families each earning between $1.1-$1.7 million dollars respectively are forced to share a three bedroom house on the severely overpriced island of Nantucket, land of Moby-Dick, because the median price for a home floats around $50 million.

These homes, built in the 1850s, average approximately 700 square-feet. They now all apparently have running water and electricity. But nobody who holds a real job, the kind that keeps towns and cities operating effectively, can afford one.

One former resident told the Lampoon, “Humans are such a**holes. If you ever want to know the extent of it, go live and work on Nantucket Island and try and buy a home.”

It has been rumored that upwards of 97% of the wealth on the island was inherited and those people have never even held a real job. The people with actual jobs can’t afford to live there. It is a crisis. But only for them. Those that catch a whiff in the wind split and relocate to more reasonable environs like Mississippi and Texas.

Some average workers, only earning $400,000 to $1 million tried to take the matter to the Massachusetts state government who, all have summer residences on Nantucket after-all, scoffed and told them to pound sand. “We refuse to build housing projects for you bums. Then the crime will follow and we have no police because they can’t afford to live on the island or even near the ferry on the mainland.”

The median income since 1846 has risen 9%. The cost of a home has risen 376,000,000%. In time, realtors predict the average cottage on the island, not even waterfront, will go for a cool $200 million. “Just wait and see,” one realtor said. “I commute everyday. As long as the ferries are running. These are strange times. The inflated housing costs are everywhere, but nowhere is as extreme as here.”

Even the Wampanoag have left, just like the whales, and that old-time of The Little Grey Lady of the Sea once had, if it ever really did.

Read more at www.thefridayafternoonlampoon.com

08/21/2026

Pizza Hut Plans to Change its Name to “Looks Like Pizza, Tastes Like Hut”

By Fionn mac Cumhaill

As the sale for the 68-year-old chain awaits its sale to private equity firm LongRange Capital for a mere $2.7 billion, they have decided to change their name to “Looks Like Pizza, Tastes Like Hut.”

The odd rebrand comes after years of declining sales and financial loss. The rumor was that NYC mayor Zohran Mamdani wanted to start giving it away for free, paid for by the taxes of wealthy New Yorkers but all the wealthy New York residents have fled the state and there is no one left to finance the operation.

One of the “Hut” faithful was heard to mutter, “We are so much better than Dominos.” He has since had his mouth washed out with “butter-flavored” liquid from a plastic squeeze bottle.

The question on everyone’s mind is, are chain pizza restaurants on the way out? Is the “hut” just the first one to take the fall?

Read more at www.thefridayafternoonlampoon.com

08/20/2026

Ownership of Indian Creek Village & Country Club Land in Question. A 2,000-plus-year-old Question

By Fionn mac Cumhaill

The Tequesta, indigenous people who lived on the grounds of the Indian Creek Village and Country Club (presumably the most valuable golf course in the United States) in Miami, Florida for 2,000 years before being slaughtered by the Spanish and their land eminent-domained… showed up at the Eleventh Judicial Circuit of Florida with an undeveloped land deed written by a Tequesta judge dated 474 BCE.

“It looks legit,” a stunned assessor said. “The General Warranty Deed uses a legal land description, metes-and-bounds measurements that define the exact property boundaries. It was signed, notarized, and filed with the local county government office of the time, establishing public record, and guarantees there are no hidden claims or liens against the land. I…I’ve never seen anything like this,” he said.

Residents of the neighborhood, mostly billionaires, are beside themselves.

“Do you know what kind of precedent this would set if this nonsense goes national? What kind of hog show are you running here?” One billionaire founder of tooth sticks (a cheap rip-off of tooth picks) said to the mayor. He could only shrug.

It is the playground for American royalty. Meta Founder, Zuckerberg and his wife recently purchased a “home” there for around $170 million. Jeff Bezos is reportedly building a fortified compound there. Even former NFL Quarterback Tom Brady has a house in the neighborhood. Streets paved with gold, lamposts of sparkling diamonds, it is where the uber-rich come to see and be seen, but people are on edge.

“What is going to happen to us?” One woman asked. “Are we going to have to live with the regular people on Maya Palm Drive, or Beverly Park Circle? What if somebody tries to steal my shoes?”

“I’m sure you will be alright ma’am,” a court officer said. He now works at Burger King.

Another billionaire investor, after one too many pink gins was heard shouting from the second-floor balcony of CASA NEOS, “Don Shula will never let any of this happen! Never!”

Read more at www.thefridayafternoonlampoon.com

08/19/2026

Congress Sides with America and Bans Streaming Networks from Charging an Annual or Monthly Fee if they Run Ads During Shows

By Fionn mac Cumhaill

We weren’t sure it was going to happen but Congress came through. The people were finally heard. No more double dipping. No longer will streaming networks be allowed to have their hands in your pockets as well as your wallet.

Of course it was us that got the ball rolling, a prime example of the power of the press. Several streaming network execs have even hurled themselves from Tribeca and Midtown penthouse balconies. It was a bloodletting for the ages. Greed bleeds green, much like we expected. But you can’t hold the monster down forever. We know this is only a temporary win, but for now that is good enough. We’ll deal with the next zombie apocalypse when it comes.

Remarkably, it wasn’t a clean sweep. It was 387 votes to 48. Who are the 48 monsters that voted against it, I wonder. Bet I could pick those leering bastards out of a lineup. As for the House, 58 votes. Disappointing, but still a win.

The idea of cable, as we all know, was invented to show movies and television ad free. In the late 1970s and early 1980s, some channels fought against the greed running rampant in the industry. In the end, powerful networks were able to strong-arm the industry, running endless ads while charging high monthly and annual fees to satisfy their profit ambitions. Rarely does the little guy land on his feet.

So, we won, and the streaming networks can burn out slowly, or so the rumor goes…just like Rome.

Read more at www.thefridayafternoonlampoon.com

08/19/2026

The Wrigley Six Against the Penn State Nine - Fight Night- Betflix Special!

By Fionn mac Cumhaill

During the Crosstown Classic game at Wrigley Field, about six presumably grown men, full of overpriced beer and nachos, decided to participate in a melee which ended in arrests and one portly thug with a bloody lip. 575 miles away on the campus of Penn State, 9 or so students, alumni, and one lawyer father were arrested and charged with co***ne trafficking. They went so far as to make pledges intent on joining the frat cut and package the drugs for resale. Unforgivable behavior. These nerds will have to pay.

This whole thing is so bizarre. Fights at baseball fields, nerds slinging nose candy. What next? Free grocery stores for people too lazy to work? The world is going insane.

The Judges Association of America has decided that the threat of just prison time isn’t enough of a deterrent for the criminal element. Thus, a new strategy has been introduced. They say that history has a way of repeating itself. The Romans, maybe, weren’t so off base with their management of the vermin of society.

Therefore, an experiment will begin. Criminals will be placed against each other in gladiatorial matches. The winner gets a healthy prison sentence. The loser, death. There will be no referees, but God. Tickets for the events will go on sale as if it were a typical athletic event. The fights will also be streamed on the new streaming channel Betflix, where you can watch and bet at the same time.

All bet amounts, comments, and odds will be live throughout the event. The pilot event will be the Wrigley 6 against the Penn State 9. Critics argue that the criminals have rights, too. The judges, along with the law-abiding working world all laugh fitfully.

Read more at www.thefridayafternoonlampoon.com

***ne

08/19/2026

Weather Alert- Florida TV Networks Buy Pre-Packaged Hurricanes

By Fionn mac Cumhaill

Advertisers told South Flordia meterologists to get on board and start “getting some God dang views.” Generally, the weather report out of South Florida is fairly predictable: hot and potentially wet in the afternoon, or maybe all day, or maybe just hot as hell and humid as…”

Very little changes from day to day. Residents are used to stuffing a poncho in their pocket or sticking an umbrella in the car and ensuring their air-conditioning is functioning adequately and the rest can come out in the wash. That is unless there is an impending hurricane of category 5 intensity. Those are rare. They brings eyeballs to the television screens. They sell Ads. Therefore, any tropical storm on the radar is always a potential category 5, before a more realistic category 3 or 2, if admitted.

Insiders claim that Florida news syndicates now buy hurricanes. A group of meteorological nerds figured out how to create them. “It’s like buying a burrito,” one geek who wished to remain anonymous said. “Category 4 and 5’s sell for top dollar during good market years. They are real expensive.”

This was somewhat disturbing news but the nerds clarified it for us.

“Money, man.”

Read more at www.thefridayafternoonlampoon.com

08/12/2026

So Many Teenage Girls Invade Baltimore the Mayor Declares a State of Emergency

By Fionn mac Cumhaill

On August 10th, the city of Baltimore was under siege. Traffic jams from nearly all points of entry including I-95 (north/south coastal corridor), the MD-295 Baltimore-Washington Parkway (from DC and the south), I-895 Harbor Tunnel Thruway, Interstate 83 (from the north), Interstate 70 (from the west), I-695 Baltimore Beltway. The Light Rail train cars and platforms from BTW Airport up to the Convention Center were so packed with teenage girls that engineers were called to ensure the platforms and cars could hold up.

It was such a frenzy that regular commuters and residents were making distress calls to the police and city hall. “Hot damn! I think aliens have invaded the city?” Many were tuned in to broadcasts as teenage girls were seen hanging from trees and climbing lampposts outside M&T Stadium.

We are waiting on news reports from team members in the field to learn more about what was going on. One terrified resident in the Federal Hill neighborhood, seen frantically packing her car, said, “I’m outta here. Rumor is we are being taken over by an army. They won’t get me! What is this BTS Army? 70,000 of them in just a few hours. Flooding the streets just over the Cal Ripken Way, over by the stadium. I’ve been hearing screaming! Like something’s being tortured. And loud music like a pogrom.”

Word from the frontlines is that it is chaos. Apparently, we’ve already had two field reporters, Jenny Cho and Stilt, swallowed up by the flood of teenage girls. As of now, they are “missing in action.”

Read more at www.thefridayafternoonlampoon.com

08/08/2026

Enes Kanter Freedom Intends to Enter 2027 WNBA Draft

By Fionn mac Cumhaill

Former Boston Celtic center, not good enough for the NBA or any foreign men’s league, and tired of flipping burgers at McDonald’s (though we believe he got fired) says he intends to enter the 2027 WNBA draft.

Intent on disparaging marginalized communities and trolling Sophie Cunningham, the wash out believes he is better than the incoming college women for a position. Luckily, we got a hold of his top five demands. They are as follows:

He must be allowed to shower alongside the women.

He must be allowed to help his female teammates with their stretches.

He must make more than A’ja Wilson of the Las Vegas Aces, $1.67 million per year.

He must get his own private jet.

He must not be drafted by the Indiana Fever.

Hillbilly activist, Riley Gaines, calls Freedom a genius. As we all agree, a genius is a washed up former NBA player who averaged around, maybe, 10 points per game. The WNBA has not yet commented on this breaking news story.

Read more at www.thefridayafternoonlampoon.com

08/08/2026

Conversation with an MLB “Exec” - Blacked out of the Yankees vs. Braves Game, Aug 7, 2026

By Fionn mac Cumhaill

August 7, 2026. Yankees in Atlanta to play the Braves. I picked up dinner and a couple beers, clicked onto MLB Network to tune into the game.

Blacked out. Again. Braves games I have learned are only streamed in China, not in the US. As you can imagine, this ticked me off and I decided to contact the Chief of Baseball Operations. I’ve complained to MLB Network before but they just blame the MLB for the sleazy new streaming rules.

So I decided to call them. It took about 45 minutes of jumping through hoops, but I finally got the 2nd assistant to the Chief of Baseball Operations on the phone. His name was Sterile.

“Sterile, thank you for talking with us. As you know I am very disgruntled.”

“I am sorry to hear that, we all wish it wasn’t like this for the poorer fans. But what can I say? You know?”

“Excuse me?” I said. I thought I misheard him.

“Listen, Pal. Baseball is a business. Cha-ching. We are thankful there are fans. But we provide a service and you get entertained. And frankly, and don’t take this the wrong way, you are just revenue. If nit you someone else will come along. Copish? I mean, if we could we’d have robots out there playing, we would. I mean s**t, imagine if that ever happens? I will buy a mansion on Miami Beach.

“Whoa,” Jennie Cho, a Lampoon intern said.

“Jesus. Sterile, you are already losing fans,” I said.

“Casual fans. And we are ok with that, because we are focused on the short-term profit. Us, executives, aren’t planning on working forever. Ya see?”

“You’re an executive?” Jennie said. Her confusion matching all of ours listening in on the call.

“Think about it like this. Nowadays, when you go to a restaurant, they no longer put bread on the table. The reason is because they realized it saves them money not to. People griped for a while, but eventually, they accepted it. The new baseball-watching experience will be the same.”

“That’s bad business, bordering on crooked,” I said.

“Nah. It is what it is brother. Take the blows, get back up.”

“What?”

“We got a little competition going here in the industry, the execs I mean. You are vying to see who can get the best slip at the Tiburon yacht club.”

“California?”

“Yeah, man. Have you never sailed on the bay? It’s better than s*x, bro.”

“Bro?”

“Listen, it was good talking to you. I gotta jam. Dinner res to make. Keep your head up.” With that he hung up.

The level of greed today is at unprecedented levels. It would make both Caligula and Nero blush.

Read more at www.thefridayafternoonlampoon.com

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