Spearfish Beacon, Spearfish, SD (2026)

09/18/2024

Round-a-bout Madness!

Reporting from Spearfish, SD, local journalist Klee Thoris states that the city is going "gang wild" installing round-a-bouts.

It started with one on Jackson Blvd, and will be soon expanding to almost every intersection.

Local official, and Colorado transplant Tee Enhay stated "I was really sad moving here to see straight-forward and logical driving situations. How are we supposed to enjoy driving high, I mean: "medically treated", with just left, right, straight? We need roundabouts to make the *cough* medical ma*****na enjoyable. As such, we're installing as many as 5 more this year alone, and that's just the beginning!"

It was overheard that the next step to full Coloradoificatoin after all roundabouts are installed is importing of Venezuelean gangs, or as local officials like directed us to say: We use the politically correct: Rule free residents.

09/12/2024

*BREAKING*
Sturgis, SD

85th Annual Sturgis Motorcycle Rally to be Canceled!!!

Amongst the recent financial woes the City of Sturgis has faced recently, it's been reported that the 85th Annual Bike Rally will be canceled.

Local reporter Dixon Cider reported that locals are split between celebrating the potential to have a break from 500,000 people cos-playing tough-guys, or enjoy the many tax benefits that come from the rally, though no local residents could name any such benefits.

Local official Michael Toris stated "We're really not sure what happened to the several, several million dollars we just made, like literally last week, from the rally. Canceling next year's rally may mean residents might have to make some sacrifices. For example, I may have to downgrade models for one of my Teslas, and I might not get the quarterly bonus"

Another local, Khamelia Tho states locals are in shock and unsure what to do. For many Sturgoneans, this is their only time to get their product out and local dealers are saddened to find they may actually have to drive to Sioux Falls to keep the distribution going.

We'll keep boots on the ground as this story unfolds!

08/21/2024

GOLD!!!

Crow Peak and surrounding Black Hills Made largely of Solid Gold, Townsfolk Already Planning Extravagant Purchases

– Spearfish, SD – The aftermath of yesterday’s fierce storm has led to a discovery that has left geologists baffled and locals ecstatic: the Black Hills are made almost entirely of gold.

The revelation came after torrential rains and winds of over 70 mph battered the region, eroding away the topsoil to reveal shimmering veins of the precious metal. Early estimates suggest the hills are composed of at least 75% pure gold, with some areas reaching as high as 90%.

“At first, we thought it was just fool’s gold,” said one long-time resident Philma Jardon, “but when my dog bit into it and broke a tooth, we knew we had hit the jackpot.”

Meanwhile, scientists are still scratching their heads, with one leading geologist admitting, “This defies all known laws of geology. We’re not even sure how the Hills haven’t sunk into the earth under their own weight.” State geologist Dee Diddler said.

Amid the excitement, the local government is hurriedly drafting new regulations, including a ban on gold-mining tourism and a 99% tax on gold bars over 100 pounds in weight.

As the storm clouds cleared, the Black Hills gleamed in the sunlight like a scene from a fantasy movie—one where the townspeople just might end up richer than their wildest dreams.

08/19/2024

# # Noem Unveils "Unity Mountain" Project, Adding Trump & Biden to Mount Rushmore

**Pierre, SD** - In a move hailed by some as "bold" and others as "unhinged," South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem announced today the commencement of construction on a new addition to Mount Rushmore. The project, dubbed "Unity Mountain," will feature the faces of former President Donald Trump and current President Joe Biden, symbolizing the nation's "unifying spirit" and "shared future.", based on the "Obvious national unity we're known for".

State Representative Oliver Clozhoff stated he was excited to see the state lead the nation in displaying our unity to the world.

"This is a monumental step towards true national harmony," Noem declared, "a testament to the power of bipartisanship and the importance of acknowledging even our most... divisive figures."

Construction official, Mike Oxard stated the team has already begun it's work.

Construction is expected to be completed by the 2024 presidential election, with the addition of a "Trump-Biden Unity Tunnel" for visitors to experience the "spirit of compromise."

08/17/2024

Working on a big story for Monday. Keep your panties un-bunched.

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Spearfish, SD
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