02/21/2025
“How are you feeling since having the baby?”
Five months have come and gone. You have so easily found the place in my heart that I have been longing to fill for my entire life. I have found a certain stillness inside myself that has felt foreign for a long time. So much so that I don’t know what to do with it.
“I’m a mom now.” A sentence that I’ve had a year to wrap my head around, yet it still feels like I am only playing a character in my own life.
Five months ago I didn’t have a clue. I carried you in my belly as though birthing you was the finish line. Boy, was I wrong.
Five months ago, I felt peace and empowerment coexist.
Today, I feel cracked wide open.
Five months ago, I felt unshakeable.
Today, I feel guilt that my world as I know it feels shattered.
Five months ago, I couldn’t wait to get back to my old life, just with a sweet addition to it.
Today, I feel grief that my old life will in fact never be my life again.
For nine months, your body prepares you for the biggest physical shift in the human experience.
Sure, you feel prepared in the sense that the nursery is ready, you have enough clothing and diapers, your hospital bag is packed, car seat installed. All of that is necessary.
But no one talks about how your mind is left out of that equation entirely.
Postpartum is a beast. Anger, grief, a feeling of raging protectiveness. Isolation. Maaaan, the isolation. That one got me. Has me.
Intrusive thoughts. Don’t walk down those stairs with the baby. Don’t fall asleep with the baby on your chest. Is she getting enough to eat? Is she breathing? Is it too early to leave the house with her? Did we pack enough diapers?
The. Sleeping. Frantic. Bed. Search. When you know she is in her bassinet. This one will alter your brain chemistry by itself.
Navigating this season has been the biggest challenge Zac and I have faced in 9 years, and he has been nothing short of my lighthouse in the storm. I am forever grateful for you, my love.
This little girl is my heartbeat. I will live for her until I take my last breath.
But man, this season has shaken me to my core.