The Stony Brook Examiner

The Stony Brook Examiner The forefront of "Journalism" on Stony Brook.
(5) The forefront of "Journalism" on Stony Brook. We founded this paper for one reason and one reason only: to make a lot of money. And also to compete with the Stony Brook Enquirer. "All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental." But seriously, if you take this too Seriously then "Y'all Need Yeezus"

Mission: FBGM

"Look, we talk about education. I propose that what we take is those very poor schools, the Title 1 schools, triple the ...

"Look, we talk about education. I propose that what we take is those very poor schools, the Title 1 schools, triple the amount of money we spend from $15 to $45 billion a year. Give every single teacher a raise to the equal of … A raise of getting out of the $60,000 level.

No. 2, make sure that we bring in to the help with the stud—the teachers deal with the problems that come from home. The problems that come from home, we need… We have one school psychologist for every 1,500 kids in America today. It’s crazy. The teachers are required—I’m married to a teacher. My deceased wife is a teacher. They have every problem coming to them.

Make sure that every single child does, in fact, have three, four, and five-year-olds go to school. School! Not day care, school. We bring social workers into homes of parents to help them deal with how to raise their children. It’s not that they don’t want to help. They don’t know what— They don’t know what quite what to do. Play the radio. Make sure the television—excuse me, make sure you have the record player on at night. The phone—make sure the kids hear words. A kid coming from a very poor school—er, a very poor background will hear 4 million words fewer spoken by the time they get there."

BREAKING: USG DECLARES ITSELF A DICTATORSHIPAfter years of beating around the bush, USG has officially declared itself a...


After years of beating around the bush, USG has officially declared itself an authoritarian dictatorship and announced that "Fascism is in vogue". After recent elections abolishing the Supreme Court (this is real, we are not making that up) the Executive Council of USG announced that it would no longer need the Senate either. When asked for comment, the President said, "I AM THE SENATE!"

It was also announced that they would continue to pay all Senators which will now hold seats on the Executive Council, however they would not be granted the rank of "Master" which all incumbent members of the EC now hold. We asked a Senator what he thought of the changes to which he said, "This is outrageous! It's unfair! How can you be on the Council and not be a Master?!"

We asked if they were trying to outdo the Federal Government in their race to the bottom to which a spokesperson for USG said, "Hold my f**king beer, bitch."


EXAMINER EXCLUSIVE: Super Stanley Ain’t Savin’ Sh*t

In a final sit down interview with The Examiner, President Samuel “Super” Stanley took the opportunity to offer a few words of wisdom to the community that he’ll be leaving behind in July, when he transitions into his new role as president of a university that’s “not a steaming pile of sh*t like this one is.”

“Honestly dude, most of the kids at this place can go eat a dick. Did you see those faggots who gave me that “Super Stanley” shirt at graduation? Total losers. Hell, I think I saw one of them walking around with a beer bottle stuck right up his ass at the frat house last Thursday. Anyway, I can’t f**kin’ wait to fly the f**k outta here. No more having to take selfies with smelly Indian dudes. No more having to act like I give a f**k about black kids. And definitely no more of that HeForShe bullsh*t. Emma Watson blue balled me so hard at the UN a couple years back and I’m still f**kin’ pissed about it. I held the door open for her, pulled out her chair at dinner, put up with her stank breath for days AND SHE STILL WOULDN’T LET ME BANG! But the joke’s on her because from now on SUPER STANLEY AIN’T SAVIN’ SH*T! BITCH YOU CAN JUMP ON STANLEY’S DICK!”


EXCLUSIVE: President Stanley Teaches Kids That Life Isn’t Fair

In response to the results of a campus wide survey which revealed that most Seawolves consider their educational and social experience at Stony Brook to be “complete dogsh*t,” President Samuel L. Stanley, Jr. sent out the following email today:

“Now, I understand that there are a number of you, in your recent discussions with friends back home, who were shocked to find out that everybody else is having fun, BUT YOU’RE NOT. Welp, that's just too damn bad.

Because you're probably the same kind of people who wait in line, you’ll wait forever in line, like sheep all lined up, you wait in line, waiting your turn, and then you'll see someone like myself very aggressively cut in the front of the line, and you'll say, "Wait a minute! That's not fair!"

And what about the parking lot, we've all been there. There you are, patiently waiting for your little parking space, and it suddenly appears, you start driving your car - Oops! Someone zips in, cuts you off, parks their car, and you say "WAIT A MINUTE! THAT’S MY PARKING SPACE, THAT’S NOT FAIR!"

And how about those few occasions when you will honestly, and objectively, look into the full-length mirror? Now we're getting somewhere. And you women look into the mirror, and you look at yourselves, and you say "Ewwww, look at all that cellulite hanging from my hips and my buttocks! THAT’S NOT FAIR!"

And you men, you men won't even come close to the mirror! But on that rare occasion where you might take a quick glimpse, you say "Oh, that can't be me... No, that can't be me with the neckbeard, and the small genitalia! Oh no, that's not fair!"

And, forget about the looks, what about the money, huh? What about the money? You scrimp and you save, you work yourselves half to death, and still, you can't afford what you really want? "That's not fair!" It's not fair that some people are rich, and you're not! "That's not fair!"

And honestly, you have to face the facts that the vast majority of you are just born with inferior DNA. And you say "It's not fair I'm born with inferior DNA!" But you feel sorry for yourselves and you wallow in your self-pity, but then you realize that And to tell you the truth, many of you might as well go ahead and admit it, you might as well own up to the philosophy, for many of you, that LIFE SUCKS, AND THEN YOU DIE!”


BREAKING: President Stanley Realizes That He’s “A Bigger F**kin’ Deal Than Jesus Ever Was”

Sources close to the Examiner have reported that El Presidente was seen barging into North Reading Room this morning, massive bullhorn in hand:

“Listen up you little sh*ts. I’ve been doing some thinking and I realized that, no matter how hard you cocksuckers study for finals, you’ll never be as big as me. And when I say “big” I’m not just talking about power and prestige, if you catch my drift. Hell, come to think of it, not even Jesus can hold a candle to Sammy Stanz.

Do you know what I can do? I can literally walk into any lecture hall on campus and just take my dick out, right in front of everyone. And no one’s going to say sh*t to me. Not Marvin O’Neal, not Sanford Simon, not Jennifer Wong, not Thomas Hemmick, and definitely not that handcuff guy over in the chemistry department. Nobody.

Sure, sure, transfer out. Go ahead. But don’t you worry about me. I’m f**king everywhere now because you ballbags can’t get enough of this place. I’m at graduation kicking over chairs; I’m in the Wang Center dick-slapping terra-cotta warriors; I’m in Roth jizzing all over your cardboard boats; I’m fisting porn stars five at a time on the third floor of the Admin building, ’cause I’ve got an all-access pass to everywhere and I’m blitzed out of my f**kin’ skull.”


BREAKING: Stanley unveils his own list of 7 banned phrases for the Spring 2018 semester

On behalf of President Stanley, the Examiner urges its readers to take note that uttering, writing, or thinking any of the following 7 phrases will result in immediate expulsion from the university, beginning in the Spring 2018 semester:

-"Sammy Stanz"
-"Tastes like sh*t"
-"They all look the same"
-"Jim Fiore"
-"Transferring out"
-"Toilet paper" in combination with any of the following: "ouch," "owie," "oof," "ugh," "scraped," "1-Ply," "too thin"


Stony Brook Professor Patrice Nganang Released from Cameroon Jail, Immediately Returns When he Remembers its Finals Week

"Honestly It's safer there, at least I'll have an excuse to not answer student emails," a relieved Nganang told the examiner.

Leaked emails have shown that since the professor has been kidnapped, he has received 23 emails from students asking about when the final was, and another 12 asking if there was any extra credit for the class.


BREAKING: Sam Stanley sells soul to Trump, brings back Don’t Ask Don’t Tell

In response to recent pressure from a group of financially strapped distinguished teaching professors, sources close to The Examiner have confirmed that President Stanley has successfully negotiated a $100 million deal with the Trump Administration to bring back Don’t Ask Don’t Tell at Stony Brook University.

“It’s like in golf,” explained Stanz. “A lot of people-I don’t want this to sound trivial-but a lot of people are switching to these really long putters, very unattractive. It’s weird. You see these great players with these really long putters, because they can’t sink three-footers anymore. And I hate it. I am a traditionalist. I have so many fabulous friends who happen to be gay, but I am a traditionalist. From now on, we’re going with Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.”

Flanked by President Trump and a bound-and-gagged Andrew Cuomo, Stanley discussed the details of this long-term financial arrangement at a press conference from his personal bomb shelter. Starting in the new year, all construction personnel currently working on the Union will be diverted to the SAC and the Campus Recreation Center to carry out the swift and decisive destruction of all gender neutral bathrooms on campus. Active duty members of the Smoker Stoppers Police Force will be on hand to drag any transgender, pangender, agender, bigender, trigender, two-spirit, and sworn virgin students out of said bathrooms prior to detonation. “We’re gonna build a big beautiful bathroom complex, really tremendous” Stanley boasted. “And remember kids, don’t ask don’t tell.”





BREAKING: Jameel Warney twists ankle, ruins Stony Brook’s athletic legacy forever

The Examiner is saddened to report that just days after signing with the Mavericks, Jameel Warney’s professional basketball career came to a swift and tragic end after he slipped on a pair of frilly pink panties that were hurled onto the court by disgraced ex-athletics director Jim Fiore. Warney was medevaced on President Stanley’s private jet back to Stony Brook University Hospital, where the entire emergency department worked tirelessly to save him but ended up just twisting his ankle even further. We at The Examiner had the exclusive privilege of interviewing President Stanley while he was in the process of removing Warney’s number from the rafters of the basketball arena. Holding back tears, Sammy tearfully recalled that “he was the best black kid we ever got. He was articulate and bright and clean and a nice looking guy. I mean, that’s a storybook, man.”


BREAKING: Pre-op transgender students told to “hurry the f**k up” in strongly worded email from Stanley

At the recommendation of the faculty and as part of a university wide diversity initiative, President Stanley recently sent out a batch email to all pre-op transgender students on campus, urging them to report to the hospital immediately. “Hurry up you clowns! Chop chop! Get to the chop shop and chop off that slop!” Sources close to The Examiner have reported that the first 1,000 students to go under the knife will have their faces plastered up on the wall of the library, right next to Biggie Smalls.


DEVELOPING: President Stanley spotted grabbing asses at campus frat party in effort to get out the word regarding #MeToo campaign





In a shocking twist to the Stony Brook Power Outage of 2017, which struck around Midnight on Friday, the administration building remains in the dark as President Stanley has kicked out everyone in Lauterbur Hall so he can have a place to stay for the weekend.

"This is an outrage!" one of the residents replied, "Where the hell are we even supposed to go, why does he need the entire building?!" Indeed, it is a dark time for the 4 residents in the entire building who didnt go home for the weekend.

We talked to President Stanley, who was residing in room 610 at the time, where a post-it note read "ALL PRESIDENT INCLUSIVE ROOM", shooting stony brook up 40 points in the Tolerance College Rankings Poll. As we knocked on the door, we heard the clinking of glass, and the shaking of a biohazard disposal bin before the door opened to a drowsy Stanley, who offered us free flu vaccines.

"Listen those people out there? check your flipping privilege," Stanley said referring to the 4 displaced students. "You dont know how frickin' hard it is to be a rich white president of a university, alright!? Without my office in admin, i would have to shower and sleep at home, and thats at least a 15 minute commute if i take the private university president helicopter. No one struggles and puts in work like me."

Before we left, Stanley reminded us that "yeah so this is affecting Admin, I might have to change my office hours, maybe raise food prices, I dunno man, i gotta watch my soaps, please vacate the room"

We at the examiner applaud Stanley's bravery, and would like to remind the 4 students that this is just part of going far beyond for our glorious leader.



In a new twist to USG's plan to start having feminine hygiene products for free at various locations, a ravenous Wolfie will now be let loose on campus to distribute the products by force starting this fall. Stony Brook, known for its Wolfie Breeding program, is in the final stages of creating a Wolfie to not only carry the products around campus, but begin distributing them to unsuspecting students.

When we asked the the Executive Vice Bouraad, a newly created position as a result of the success of Bouraad-based treasurers, Alex responded with: "We really just wanted a way to get rid of the excess products we bought, really i just added a couple 0's onto the order of tampons and pads, but this is going to be good for the community. I'm glad Samuel Stanley allowed us to use the genetically modified Wolfie program to develop an aggressive distributor." The interview was interrupted by a feral Wolfie in the office, but that was kept under control by local USG President and Wolfie Tamer, Ayyan "Air-Zubair."

Alex then returned to his speech by stating that he's "really excited for the t-shirt-launchers to be replaced by tampon-launcher at the football and basketball games, and that he hopes others follow the example that Stony Brook sets in caring for its female students, before returning to film his "Harlem shake video that hes been working on for the past three years."

We at the Examiner applaud the use of Wolfie to deliver the goods, an under-used but effective delivery method as seen in the past; and only hope that USG has found a safe place to store the feminine hygiene products while the program is completed.



In a shocking Examiner Exclusive Interview; Lil Wayne contacted our lead editor through DM's on twitter 3am last night, asking us "u up" and letting us know that USG and the Statesman "stand under his mind, since they dont understand it", announcing his intention to commit to the Pre-med program this fall, and hes looking forward to the weekend life and food that Stony Brook has to offer, along with smoking on campus with his friends.

"Im doing this concert for free tuition, I just wanted to go far beyond whats normally needed for school applicants," Wayne indicated. "Listen its gonna be a tough transition for me, but i wanted to come to the most gender inclusive campus on Long Island. and use the bathroom on the third floor of the SAC."

Clearly the Statesman once again fails to check their sources, not surprising for a newspaper thats so full of sh*t they close their mouths and let their ass talk.



President Stanley has announced his intention to hold office hours to discuss their experiences at SBU, in a series of 15 minute meetings that can be scheduled with the President himself. In these meetings, students are expected to present an offering to our lord Stanley, and speak only when spoken to.

In an interesting twist, he will only have these "office hours" once a month, on the first Thursday of each month of the fall semester, for a fifteen minute meeting, that can be done in groups, or alone, for private one night-Stanleys. That means 16 whole meetings will occur, and we are proud to announce this will thoroughly ensure that our 17,026 undergrads and 8,708 grad students, for a total of 25,734 Students, as per the SBU facts and rankings page, will all have their voice well represented.

A whopping total of 3 students have already promised to attend, making it the most popular office hour on campus, grad or undergrad, with 2 of them doing it just to "see if they can get their grades raised."

The office hours are expected to increase the cost of food on campus and severely limit the paking options available to the students.


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