The Eggplant FSU

The Eggplant FSU The Eggplant is Florida State University's #1 satirical news source.

The Eggplant was founded in January 2014 by Aubrey Burrough and Houston Barber, on the popular tween website Tumblr dot com. With the dedication and talent of its founders and a few more funny people, the publication has triumphed on in providing for the FSU community. The publication is currently run by a team of 11 extremely hot and talented lizards who do stand up.

On December 1st, Ellen Isley’s Monday evening began the same as most others; by stepping out of her Chevy Tahoe and into...
12/15/2025

On December 1st, Ellen Isley’s Monday evening began the same as most others; by stepping out of her Chevy Tahoe and into the Chili’s parking lot. At 6PM, the restaurant was filling quickly with the sound of the worst women you know ordering Wicked Margaritas. The boymom-of-three-adult-sons would soon realize that she had made a fatal mistake. The temperature in Oviedo had dropped to a shocking 62ºF, down from the comfortable 74ºF of last Monday’s Chili’s dinner. Isley moved quickly through the lot, clutching her jean jacket as she approached the host stand. “Table for 4, please,” Isley reportedly asked. The hostess’s next words came as a complete shock to the Boomette: “We only have tables open on the patio, would that work?” Unable to speak, Isley was whisked away to one of the restaurant’s fully outdoor metal tables. Despite multiple reports of patio space heaters standing unused in the corner of the establishment, witnesses stated that not a single heater was present on the patio itself. That night, Isley would indeed put that jean jacket on over an outfit composed entirely of Coldwater Creek merchandise, but she would later insist that she remained chilly until she returned to her SUV nearly an hour later.

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🎤 CDU PRESENTDS: EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY LIVE🎤Join us THIS Friday at Club Down Under in collaboration with the Eggpl...
12/10/2025

🎤 CDU PRESENTDS: EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY LIVE🎤

Join us THIS Friday at Club Down Under in collaboration with the Eggplant to catch ERB live for the first time at FSU!

Doors: 7pm
Show: 8pm
18+

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As the holiday season approaches, tacky decorations take over like a cultural virus. This came to The Eggplant’s attenti...
12/05/2025

As the holiday season approaches, tacky decorations take over like a cultural virus. This came to The Eggplant’s attention Wednesday as FSU’s beloved mascot, Renegade, found himself dressed like a reindeer for a Christmas-themed photo shoot. “Yeah, it’s obviously pretty demeaning,” said the horse. “Aside from how stupid it looks, it’s blatant cultural appropriation. One of my drinking buddies is a reindeer, and I already know he’s gonna give me hell for this.” Osceola, who was silently standing by the entire time, nodded and removed his Santa hat.

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does anyone else’s Spotify wrapped look like this ? Check out more of our stuff on our website! www.eggplantfsu.com
12/03/2025

does anyone else’s Spotify wrapped look like this ?

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Breaking: FSU Football Must Have a Humiliation Kink.Check out our website! www.eggplantfsu.com
11/30/2025

Breaking: FSU Football Must Have a Humiliation Kink.

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As fires burn everywhere across college football during the iconic rivalry weekend, Floridians lament as they fear the i...
11/29/2025

As fires burn everywhere across college football during the iconic rivalry weekend, Floridians lament as they fear the iconic UF vs. FSU game would be a major ‘suck off’. To showcase who actually sucks the hardest, the NCAA has announced a new policy allowing players to enter the transfer portal and successfully transfer schools mid-game. What started as a “totally fu***ng stupid” proposal has now become reality for the College Football landscape.

In light of these changes, DJ Lagway has chosen to transfer from UF to FSU at halftime of today’s football game. “They’ve been talking sh*t all season. We’re gonna give them a real butt-whooping”, Lagway said to Eggplant reporters in an attempt to play both sides in his trash talk. Lagway was later spotted warming up in a bague hoodie. When asked if Lagway would be starting, Mike Norvell said, “Well, He’s certainly not getting drafted to the NFL either way.” Lagway reportedly may take a redshirt junior year at Florida State.

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Please do NOT get me started on white people gravy, either (when there even is any). If I wanted something runny and f**...
11/27/2025

Please do NOT get me started on white people gravy, either (when there even is any). If I wanted something runny and f**k nasty to put on my turkey, I would’ve cooked up a sneeze simultaneously from the depths of my sinuses and the ninth circle of hell and called it a day. And honestly, if I went that route, I think it’d be the lesser of the two evils.

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BREAKING - This past weekend sources have exposed that two turkeys are planning to go back in time to the first Thanksgi...
11/26/2025

BREAKING - This past weekend sources have exposed that two turkeys are planning to go back in time to the first Thanksgiving to get turkey OFF the menu. That’s right. Two Turkeys will be going back in time to the first Thanksgiving to get turkey OFF the menu. I’m not really sure how they are going to do this, all we know is that they will be going back in time to the first Thanksgiving to get turkey OFF the menu. THAT IS RIGHT, THEY ARE GOING TO THE FIRST THANKSGIVING TO GET TURKEY OFF THE MENU.

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TALLAHASSEE, FL- Silence fell upon the courtroom Monday as Ned Smith, 48, entered the courtroom facing charges of DUI Ma...
11/23/2025

TALLAHASSEE, FL- Silence fell upon the courtroom Monday as Ned Smith, 48, entered the courtroom facing charges of DUI Manslaughter, wearing a shirt that read ‘I Paused My Game to Be Here’. He promptly apologized to the courtroom, sensing a palpable discomfort with his choice of outfit. “I didn’t have time for laundry this week,” he blurted out oafishly. Security footage shows Smith piledriving his car into a local coffee shop last Thursday, then stumbling out of the driver’s side of the vehicle in a drunken stupor. Though the evidence was already stacked against him, his wardrobe malfunction likely won’t assist him in court. Sources have told The Eggplant that Smith plans to wear a t-shirt reading ‘Momma’s Least Guilty Boy’ to later hearings, in order to help his case.

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Tragedy struck the FSU community when it was discovered that the FSU goat, S’mores, was found dead in Miami last night. ...
11/22/2025

Tragedy struck the FSU community when it was discovered that the FSU goat, S’mores, was found dead in Miami last night. This past weekend, S’mores was in Miami to perform a DJ set at Club Space, which is right next to Club Aqua. It was during the middle of “Tití Me Preguntó” when screams echoed throughout the club as S’mores was struck.

Local police have named the University of Miami’s own animal celebrity, Coco the komodo dragon, as the primary suspect. An autopsy report shows evidence of both 9mm bullet wounds and claw marks on the baby goat’s body. A $10,000 dollar reward has been put towards its capture.

A memorial service is scheduled to be held at Doak Campbell Stadium this afternoon. A children’s choir and multiple anthropomorphic farm animals are expected to perform.

After a long week of rumors about the affair between Bill Clinton and Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton has finally broken h...
11/21/2025

After a long week of rumors about the affair between Bill Clinton and Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton has finally broken her silence. The former First Lady and Secretary of State was caught by reporters leaving a nighttime gathering in the woods, wearing a goat-shaped mask and a red cloak. When asked what she made of the Bubba and Trump rumors, she said, “Bubba Trump? Ain’t that the restaurant with them shrimps from that movie?” When asked if she was concerned about the future of her marriage, Clinton said,”He know where home at. He was just with meeee, and he put his missile in my Hillarussyyyy. I’m the one and only Hillary, don’t play wit it.” She then shotgunned the blood out of a dead infant carcass and floated away into the dark as thunder resounded throughout the sky.

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