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ONHL Hospice, 124 East Broadway, Drumright, Tulsa, OK (2025)

03/25/2022

The Six Great Ts
There are six fundamentals of grief recovery, which are very important to the grieving process. Most people try to avoid them, not knowing that they are delaying their healing and advancement to the future. Let’s examine and evaluate them and apply them also to our situation in order to better understanding if we are grieving to see if we are or can implement any of these six great criteria to recovering from our grief.
Time: We all need time to grieve, but how long it takes depends on the individual. No one can accurately predict how long it will take for grief healing. Our friends and family may anticipate and expect a certain time frame. We may be tempted to set the same expectation that they have for us, but if we try to please others, then our grieving will become unresolved and we will find ourselves confused and unable to move on. We may feel anger, guilt or depression if we are not able to finish the grieving process. Let’s take our time to grieve for our cherished loved one until we are comfortable.
Tears: Tears are part of the healing process so we must allow ourselves to cry as much as we want. Let the tears flow and cleanse ourselves of all the emotional burden that comes with grief. If we are unable to cry in public, find a safe place like our home or a support outreach center or in our car. Call someone on the phone that will listen to our pain and validate our tears. It's so amazing the amount of tears that we shed during grief. We can cry for simple things, so be sure to drink more water because tears tend to dehydrate us.
Talk: This cannot be written or said enough. Let’s talk as much as we can about our memories of our precious loved one, especially the good ones. Seek out the people who will listen to us and understand our grief. A grief support group is a good place to start. Talking helps us to realize the impact and the reality of their death and to accept the fact of the finality of their death. Most people are very uneasy to mention their loved one, but be sure to make it known that we want to talk about our loved one because this is what will help us the most.
Touch: We will miss the hugs, touches, kisses, and affection of our loved one. We will be tempted to build a wall around ourselves to keep out other people who want to show us affection. We may find hugging to be repulsive and feel guilt for having someone show us kindness through a hug or a kiss on the cheek. Let that barrier down. Accept the kindness that others want to share with us. Let’s allow ourselves to be pampered. Don't be on the defensive. We deserve to be hugged and comforted after going through such a loss. If we're all alone without any family, let’s make arrangements with a friend to give us a "healing hug" if we look or feel like we need it. Bereaved children need lots of hugs to reassure them that they are still loved.
Trust: Let’s trust ourselves to know that we will recover from our grief. We may begin to question our trust in God and our spirituality. We may feel anger at God. Let’s realize we are in a stage of rediscovery and wondering how we will handle the future. We don't have to be alone in the decisions that we have to make, but if we are alone, let’s trust our instincts and ask for help when we don't know what to do.
Toil: Everyone grieves in different ways. Grieving is hard work. It is like toiling. It takes lots of energy from us. We will feel fatigue, struggle, difficulty, and not motivated to continue with life, but we will need to eat healthy, exercise and take good care of our own well-being. Recognizing that grief recovery will take a lot of effort on our part, but embracing support, can help us to not to feel like we are toiling so hard all alone.
Make sure we administer all or some of the six great Ts of grief recovery to make our lives easier and we will heal faster to gain a life of peace and renewal.

03/22/2022

Feeling Funky Today In Your Grief Journey?

As you travel along the path of your personal grief journey, you might be experiencing a "funky" kind of experience that feels like taking one step forward and two steps back. You might be saying: "I am in a bit of a funk! Today I am REALLY feeling how difficult the coping progression and healing process can be."

The following quote underscores how the pain of any kind of loss and its disability may stretch or up-end your view of what is important in life, the things you should concentrate your thoughts and actions upon. "This life's temporal lens distorts. The things of the moment are grossly magnified, and the things of eternity are blurred or diminished" ~Neal L. Maxwell (Endure, p. 26).

Grief is a profoundly disorienting experience, distorting one's mental clarity and overwhelming one's emotions. Grief and sorrow are often accompanied with companions of confusion, despair, anger, hopelessness and anguish. No wonder you feel like your grief reconciliation road is in a funk! Overcoming grief and starting to heal is much more difficult than a casual walk down the lane on a sunny day.

Taking One Step Forward! "The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step." ~Chinese Proverb. Even a baby step can bring positive results. Small steps taken boldly can make a major difference. Bold efforts, even tiny steps, are declarations of an inner attitude to move beyond your misery to a better place. Small baby steps repeatedly taken can give internal empowerment to reinforce and support your actions.

Looking Inside! "Look well into thyself. There is a source of strength which will always spring up if thou will always look there” ~Marcus Aurelius (121-180). Within every person is empowerment undiscovered and lies dormant until called upon. Grief can make that call. At the height of your grief, you may feel that moving forward is impossible. Deep inside ourselves where we find that wellspring of empowerment, we can find the fortitude to continue and to survive the pain. Arising from your bed of severe grief and loss is possible. Awakening from distressing sorrow and nurturing new hope and joy should be your creed.

Hope! Try to think of hope as an action word. Hope as a choice involves continuing to take bold steps forward. Hope always suggests to individuals that we can dig deep internally for hidden, previously unused, empowerment. "As great scientists have said and as all children know, it is above all by the imagination that we achieve perception, compassion, and hope" ~Ursula K. LeGuin. Hope suggests self-commitment so you will not falter when you experience detours on your healing path.

It can be quite challenging at times to experience these one-step-forward and two- steps-back type of detours as you seek to integrate grieving into your life and continue to heal. During attempts to transform your grief and heal, you will likely experience a "grief funk" more than once. Remember, arising from the painful bed of sorrow to nurturing oneself in hope and joy isn't a casual walk down memory lane.

This journey requires clarity of thought and a sincere desire to recover while gaining understanding of your grief and finding sustained purpose and peace in your life. This should be your goal and hope! The challenge is to be a survivor and overcomer of your loss. Transform yourself into a new, more whole person. New roots of hope and fortitude have to be given room to grow.

Learning to reconcile your grief and find new peace and joy requires unqualified commitment and continued determination. It requires purpose, willpower and sustained resolve. This will break the "funkiness" of the moment!

03/14/2022

WillI I Ever Be Happy Again?
Have you lost someone so very special that you feel like you can never ever be happy again? As a chaplain at a hospice ministry, I sense this from my clients, and oftentimes hear them verbalize it. So let’s just get that question out in the open and examine it more closely. Sooner or later all of us will be hit with a loss we think that we cannot bear. Absolutely no one can escape this feeling of how can I go on without this person in my life?
Consider the death of Senator Ted Kennedy. May I say that whether you respect the man’s personal life, or share his political views or not, we could all learn something from the way he looked grief and personal tragedy in the eye during his lifetime? (And from my perspective, his family suffered more than their fair share of it!) His loved ones will miss the Senator. His family, as all families, will have to wrap themselves around their monumental loss, cling together, and go forward in life as he did. They, and we, know that no one can ever take the place of the beloved deceased person. As human beings, we wonder if we can ever overcome the pain and loss that we feel. We question whether we can go on or find hope and joy again. May I share with you this thought: Most definitely we (you) can! Here are three steps that we need to take to overcome this personal loss in our lives.
The first step is to make a conscious decision that we are going to live, and that means we will get out of bed every day and get busy with life that’s around us. Life is a gift (not a gag gift, but a wonderful present), even if you don’t feel that way right now. Be grateful for your precious life, even the sad parts, for they have a way of opening our understanding more fully. Also, others who love you and depend on you are expecting you to be there for them. These loved ones need you there physically, emotionally, and spiritually, because they value and esteem you even without you knowing it.
Second step is to allow yourself time to grieve your loss every day—not every single moment, mind you—but actively taking walks and meditating on your specific loss. Don't be afraid to cry at these times if need be. Crying is good for us! Also, try writing your thoughts and feelings in a journal (writing is good therapy). Consider doing something for someone else that is in a worse condition than you are. For example you could work at a soup kitchen for the homeless or visit people in a nursing home. If you have children or grandchildren, reach out to them. (Oh, the joy of hugging grandchildren, nothing like it.) If you have a mate or close friend, turn toward, and not away, from those who love you.
The third step (Are you ready for this one?) is to pray for the grace and courage to accept your life as it is now. You will probably go through the stages of grief and loss (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance) more than once. So what! It's okay. Actually, it’s a very healthy thing to do. Welcome to the human race! Allow yourself to be fully human. Remember to reflect more on your many present blessings, and less on your past sorrows. It’s difficult, but you can do it with God’s help. You really can.
Dear readers, there is an appointed time for everything under the heavens. Look at Ecclesiastes 3: 1-3, “A time for every purpose under the heavens. A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to uproot the plant…a time to heal…a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance.” Yes, there is a time to hope again and get on with life, and this is that time; the time to make every day count-- and matter!

03/05/2022

Writing Out Tributes is Good Therapy!

People walk in and out of our lives all the time. Some leave no trace at all. Others leave muddy boot prints of their dysfunctional lives. A few leave footprints so deep and abiding that they forever change the way we ourselves walk in our own lives. Don S. “Pappy” Hinkle was in this small minority of people. I will always remember Pappy Hinkle for his humor and heart for God and people!
Pappy taught me to laugh no matter what, even if my little world was caving in, because “the joy of the Lord was my strength!” He loved to laugh loudly, and the sound of his laugh was good medicine! He wore a permanent smile, and he loved to walk briskly while whistling a happy tune. He would encourage me to keep pace with him and to walk close to the Master (Jesus). Pappy Hinkle was the minister who led me to the Lord. He encouraged me to go to Bible College just to see what exciting things God could do in my life.
My spiritual father in the faith was no holier-than-thou type of a guy. He was down to earth, and he loved Christ Jesus with all of his heart. He loved to see people accept Jesus as their Savior and go on to live dedicated to the glory of God! He told funny stories about various things that happened to him in the ministry. Some of them would be embarrassing, but it didn’t bother him because he was transparent and unpretentious.
When he sang, not only at church, but also at camp, banquets, revivals, in the car, and at Men’s clinics, the love of Jesus radiated from his face. Matter of fact, he was the best song leader that the Kiamichi clinic (a men’s clinic that had 5,000 to 8,000 men singing the loudest that they could possibly sing) ever had! I loved it when he would sing at youth functions “Let me call you sweetheart” or “Down by the Old Mill stream.” He truly was a classic or one-of-a-kind type of a servant for Jesus. His granddaughter’s favorites were ‘I’ll Fly Away’ and ‘Nothing is Impossible!’
Pappy Hinkle was an excellent spiritual leader. He was patient, kind, and sensitive, even though he saw me (others too) at our best—and worse. He still loved me (us) anyway! He was a good friend who made it easy to live for the Lord when you were around him. Pappy kept his eyes on the Lord Jesus in all situations, and he responded as the Spirit of Christ directed him. His ministry has never been duplicated at the churches where he served the Lord.
Pappy’s death left a huge hole in my life! I still miss him today, but it’s easy to imagine the echo of his laughter, singing, and whistling on the streets of gold in Heaven. "Thank you, God, for sending Pappy Hinkle into my life! I am a life changed because of him and his love for You, O’ God."
Now it's you turn, write me a tribute of your loved one, and send it to me. If you don't see my mailing address or e-mail address around his article, please call your local newspaper and ask the editor for it. He or she has it, and they will be glad to share this information.

02/23/2022

I Wish I Had...
In the years of serving as youth minister, preaching minister, and now a hospice chaplain, the strongest regrets resonate from those who have lost a loved one to death. I have heard laments from "I wish", "if only", “it's not fair”, and "why?" just to name a few. These regrets can consume a person, stifling their ability to go forward, paralyzing him or her into living a guilt-ridden existence.
Most of us have regrets. We regret a missed opportunity, or misconduct perpetrated in the past. Sometimes these feelings escalate into strong regrets, while at others they diminish into minor ones. But no matter what, dealing with regrets is something each of us has to work through.
Here are three thoughts that just maybe your haven't considered before, hopefully these ideas can become a blessing and an encouragement to you and your family. Regrets show that you care, never wallow in regrets, and use the lessons that regrets teach! These are what we need to contemplate.
If you had no regrets, you would not care. In the case of the death of someone held near and dear, we would be concerned for anyone who claimed a relationship or friendship with the departed but yet has no regrets. The level of love and care we have for our lost loved one is evident by our tender hearts towards their memory. Regrets also demonstrate that we are now fully aware of the missed opportunities. So in a very real sense, regrets are good. If we don't have any regrets we may be calloused and hard-hearted, or simply unaware of the unrealized opportunities that may have slipped by us.
We must beware that regrets have a sad attraction to feel the need to wallow in them. We s***k ourselves with these regrets like some sort of whip on our guilty conscious. We bath in their debilitating muck, immersing ourselves in their guilt and gloominess. Wallowing in them is counterproductive. If you lost someone dear, you'll be tempted to wallow in your own self-pity and focus on your regrets, but this robs the person you love of all the other things they accomplished in life. If you focus only on what you didn't do with them instead of them, you are setting yourself up for a lot of hurt and needless pain for the future.
If we viewed guilt and regret as a God given response to teach us lessons then we are on the upward road of being healed and whole again. Regrets are selfish only if we are not willing to learn from them. They can teach us some imperative things about life and about ourselves. But wallowing in them is purely a selfish endeavor. It keeps us from living, loving and laughing. It keeps us from realizing all the things that we did do and accomplish with this precious loved one that we miss so dearly now. Let’s keep our focus upon what this cherished loved one meant to others and us. Regret can derail this important element in our grieving process.
Regrets show us that we can't afford to miss any more opportunities. If you lost someone close to you, don't let your regrets keep you from those still alive. Take the lessons that you learned and try not to miss any important opportunities to share your heart with others. Spend more time thinking about others. Ask yourself, if so and so died today, what regrets would I have? Better yet, if I died today what regrets would others have towards my life and me with them? Then go out and do something about it; acts of love don’t wallow in past failures. Regrets allow us to realize what is most important in our lives.
Our regrets ought to show us where our values are. We can use that to inspire us for the future. As a responsible, reasonable and caring individual, we can use regrets to motivate us to learn from our mistakes. We all regret some of the things we have done in our lives. I regret some of my choices, but having a loving and forgiving relationship with my family and with God allows me to focus on what I can still accomplish, the things I can still do, and the choices that are still before me. Regrets can be very powerful pro-active stimulus in our lives that can benefit us in wonderful ways if we allow it and be willing to act upon it.

02/19/2022

Grief Slinks Silently Back
Just when we think we are really coming to grips with our grief and learning to live fully in the world alone, that big black ugly thundercloud of grief comes rolling back into our lives with tornado-like winds of emotion.
Rather than write an article on how to cope with this, or give some learned advice from others, allow me to quote a poem written by a hurting friend of mine. It streamed out of her heart, hopefully to your heart! It happened one morning when she woke up early. Here is what she wrote for you.
"Grief
Like a thief in the night
Grief slinks silently back into my life
Disturbing the peace I have fought so hard for
It is like a fractious child demanding attention
And as the mother with her child, I give in
And am taken back to the beginning
When days were so long and nights even longer.
When I thought there was no way out of this slough of despair
And I am once again immobilized by it.
But I have been here before
Many times since that April night
And I know I can climb out
And once again put grief back where it belongs
Until the next time.”
Those of us who have had the experience of losing a loved one know that grief doesn't go away. It lurks in hidden corners waiting to spring out at us when we least expect it. So what can we do about this? Grief is beyond our control. It doesn't ask permission to invade our lives. It doesn't ask whether there is room for it; it just is. For many of us it is there always.
We can and do forget for a while. It is alright to forget our sorrow and to laugh. After all, our loved one would not have wanted us to sit in a corner and be miserable. He/she would encourage us to get on with the rest of our life, and we do. Then when we least expect it, grief comes back.
It is alright to laugh with friends and exchange remembrances of the person who has died. For many of us this keeps that person alive for a short time. But sometimes, when we have forgotten for a while and maybe laughed and smiled, grief returns. As it does we suddenly feel guilty. We feel guilt at forgetting for a while. However, as we know, guilt often goes hand in hand with grief.
"Why was that one taken and not me?" is a question often asked by those bereaved. There is no answer to that question. We have to accept and move on. Acceptance may take a while. Don't try to hurry the process. Don't be hurried along this path by well-meaning friends and acquaintances. Only you will know when you can accept the fact of this loss.
John T. Catrett, III
Scissortail Hospice Chaplain
124 East Broadway, PO Box 1216
Drumright, OK. 74030
918.352.3080

02/18/2022

What Can Death Teach Us About Life?
Death should not be the end of your life. It should be the beginning of your "new" life. While working in hospice care ministry, I think I have buried as many unfulfilled dreams as I have buried loved ones and friends. I listened to countless families tell stories of unfulfilled wishes of their deceased loved ones. Stories of how the deceased always wanted to write a book, go fishing, climb a mountain, parasail, start a business, spend time with the grandchildren, work fewer hours, start a fitness program, travel the world, learn to play the piano, ski... the list goes on.
The death of a loved one naturally gives thought to our own mortality. Unfortunately, these thoughts are brief, lasting until we are back to our daily, usually rushed, routines of life. It is so often said that "life is short". What does that really mean? Try this experiment today. Ask at least ten people what the statement "life is short" means to them. In most cases, many will have to stop and think about it before they answer you.
We often spend a majority of our lives getting ready to live our life; so, what does "living our life" mean? See how deep this can get if we keep going? So, let's talk about life. Here are three things that death can teach us about life:
Life is precious and so fragile. We take so many of our life's situations and circumstances for granted. We assume that our newborn will be born healthy. We assume that our spouse, whom we argued with last night and didn't speak to this morning before leaving for work, will return home for dinner. We assume that our children will grow up to be well-respected professionals. It is usually the death of a loved one or close friend that heightens our sense of the fragility of life.
Stop and smell the roses. This saying we use often, but act upon rarely. When did you last sit or walk and marvel at the beauty of nature; notice the individual petals of a rose; stare into the waves of the ocean; experience and appreciate the innocent smile of a child; inhale and enjoy the aroma of a cup of coffee or tea; or, spend quality time with family and friends without cell phone and text interruptions?
Find gratitude in everything. This is my favorite because, to me, this is really what life is all about. When we live a life of gratitude, you tend to find the positive in every situation. Find things each day to be grateful for. Keep a gratitude journal. When you greet each day with gratitude and love, and greet each person with gratitude and love (although sometimes not so easy to do), your perspective on life will change. This will also reduce many of the emotions felt when a loved one dies, especially guilt, regret, and anger. An exercise for you: Think of something that you can do for someone else (no matter how small) in honor of your deceased loved one. One of the most effective ways to work through grief is to help someone else. Statistics show that it normally takes five to eight years to recover from a devastating loss.
Allow me the privilege to sum it up with a slogan: Everything in life is temporary, including life itself. Decide to "Say Yes!" to the gift of "now".

02/14/2022

The Six Great T’s

There are six fundamentals of grief recovery, which are very important to the grieving process. Most people try to avoid them not knowing that they are delaying their healing and advancement to the future. Let’s examine and evaluate them and apply them also to our situation if we are grieving to see if we are or can implement any of these six great criteria to our grief recovery.

Time: We all need time to grieve, but how long it takes depends on the individual. No one can accurately predict how long it will take for grief healing. Our friends and family may anticipate and expect a certain time frame. We may be tempted to set the same expectation that they have for us, but if we try to please others, then our grieving will become unresolved and we will find ourselves confused and unable to move on. We may feel anger, guilt or depression if we are not able to finish the grieving process. Let’s take our time to grieve for our cherished loved one until we are comfortable.

Tears: Tears are part of the healing process, so do allow ourselves to cry as much as we want. Let the tears flow and cleanse ourselves of all the emotional burden that comes with grief. If we are unable to cry in public, find a safe place like our home or a support outreach center or in our car. Call someone on the phone that will listen to our pain and validate our tears. It's so amazing the amount of tears that we shed during grief. We can cry for simple things, so be sure to drink more water because tears tend to dehydrate us.

Talk: This cannot be written or said enough. Let’s talk as much as we can about our memories of our precious loved one; especially the good ones. Seek out the people who will listen to us and understand our grief. A grief support group is a good place to start. Talking helps us to realize the impact and the reality of their death, as well as helping us to accept the fact of the finality of their death. Most people are very uneasy to mention their loved one, but be sure to make it known that we want to talk about our loved one. This is what will help us the most.

Touch: We will miss the hugs, touches, kisses, and affection of our loved one. We will be tempted to build a wall around ourselves to keep out other people who want to show us affection. We may find hugging to be repulsive and feel guilt for having someone show us kindness through a hug or a kiss on the cheek. Let that barrier down. Accept the kindness that others want to share with us. Let’s allow ourselves to be pampered. Don't be on the defensive. We deserve to be hugged and comforted after going through such a loss. If we're all alone without any family, let’s make arrangements with a friend to give us a "healing hug" if we look or feel like we need it. Bereaved children need lots of hugs to reassure them that they are still loved.

Trust: Let’s trust ourselves to know that we will recover from our grief. We may begin to question our trust in God and our spirituality. We may feel anger at God. Let’s realize we are in a stage of rediscovery and wondering how we will handle the future. We don't have to be alone in the decisions that we have to make, but if we are alone, let’s trust our instincts and ask for help when we don't know what to do.

Toil: Everyone grieves in different ways. Grieving is hard work. It is like toiling. It takes lots of energy from us. We will feel fatigue, struggle, difficulty, and not motivated to continue with life, but we will need to eat healthy, exercise and take good care of our own well-being. Recognizing that grief recovery will take a lot of effort on our part. Embracing support, however, can help us not to feel like we are toiling so hard all alone.

Make sure we administer all or some of the six great T's of grief recovery to make our lives easier. We will heal faster and gain a life of peace and renewal.

John T. Catrett, III
Scissortail Hospice Chaplain
124 East Broadway, PO Box 1216
Drumright, OK. 74030
918.352.3080
[email protected]

02/07/2022

Not Knowing Can Eat Away at You!
Ambiguous losses are shrouded in uncertainty, seem to go on forever, and show no signs of ending. They are much more prevalent than the general public realizes, and cause much confusion for would-be caregivers who try to provide support for the bereaved.
The first type of ambiguous loss involves uncertainty with regard to whether the person involved has actually died. Someone falls off a cruise liner at sea. A soldier is reported missing in action in a war zone. A child disappears without a trace. An adult is missing in a mountain climbing accident. Is the person still alive or have they died? Can survivors ever find out? Some types of ambigious loss in cases of suspected su***de or was it an accident?
The second type of ambiguous loss is of a psychological nature. As a son of an alcoholic, I am very aware that there are many families who had absentee alcoholic fathers or mothers, even though both parents were living under the same roof. There is always uncertainty when the person would be home and in what condition (inebriate or sober). Addictions to various drugs bring sadness and long-term grief for family members.
Alzheimer's disease and comas induced by accidents are other examples of physical presence, but uncertainty as to the condition of the persons who are ill. Divorce and remarriage, as well as immigration, heavily blur family lines and are additional examples of uncertainty. It will be helpful in dealing with these losses to be aware of the following.
First and foremost, ambiguous losses have an immense devastating impact on those who suffer through the uncertainty. These types of loss can cause what appears to be never ending pain, confusion, and sadness. Trying to understand the dilemma from the point of view of the mourner is critical to providing the best support possible.
Next, troubling emotions and physical stress is ever present, since the usual predictable and assuring factors that bring some sense of security or knowing are absent. Frequent anti-stress measures such as walking, yoga, soft music, and massage are critically important in managing any type of ambiguous loss. Diversions are essential as mourners are easily immobilized and become stuck in their grief.
Then we need to realize that social dislocation and perceptual differences in viewing the loss is common. For example, children of a family, who have been deserted by one parent, may feel different (henor worship, they were the reason the parent left, or they despise them with repulsive bitterness) toward that parent or have an opposite view of the remaining parent who is still in the home. In other families with a missing member, one person may feel the person who has not been found has died, while another holds out hope that the person will be found alive.
Working your way out of ambiguity is no simple task when you are thinking one minute the person may be alive, and the next minute you feel they are dead. Hope and hopelessness come and go, and often, support from others is incomplete or nonexistent because there is no certainty that the loss is real. Depression and high anxiety are common. And, psychological loss of a person due alcohol or drug addiction, divorce, etc. can be every bit as damaging as physical absence. "Who is or is not part of my family?" is a haunting question for many.
If you are dealing with ambiguous loss of any type, find professional assistance. There are counselors with much expertise in this area, who can help you sort out feelings, as well as look at the pros and cons of taking specific actions depending on the nature of the loss. Discover the ways others have dealt with uncertain losses, take and use what rings true for you, and let the rest go for the present time.
Also, if you are a friend of someone dealing with ambiguous loss, here's how you can help. First, be infinitely patient and nonjudgmental. You cannot begin to imagine the gnawing, ongoing inner turmoil that uncertain loss generates. Your presence and confidence in the person to be able to live with this loss will provide the powerful reassurance that is so desperately needed. The person or family will find a way, but never imply there is something wrong with them for not moving on as you may feel they should.
New ways of looking at the world are needed and mourners can find highly individual coping strategies to deal with uncertainty. You can be a sounding board. Support their efforts. Encourage professional input, and make clear they will find a way that works for them. Equally important, encourage social interaction and rely on their spiritual traditions.
Finally, most important of all, push the crucial need for open communication among all family members. Having had two divorces within my own family, this is not always easy to do. Yet, airing differences with patience and respect, coupled with complete disclosure, can be most helpful, especially for the children. Recognize that as the months and years go by, symbolic remembrances are important, bouts of loneliness will be common, reevaluation of relationships can be useful, and the resiliency of most will be evident.
In summary, uncertain loss is a major source of continuous grief and pain, and is much more prevalent than is normally recognized. It can be lived with, but much input is needed from professional sources and researchers, who have found successful strategies. Do a Google search on ambiguous loss to start your education.
Above all, if you are mourning an ambiguous loss, find a counselor or a support group who can provide the confidence needed to deal with the devastating long-term effects. This counselor can also provide a valuable service in helping you find meaning in your loss so you will be able to live with the uncertainty. Changing your perception of any event, that is reframing it, can prove to be a highly successful coping strategy.

ONHL Hospice

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