
08/07/2025
Satire column: ‘Right Answers Only’
America is the greatest nation — that is a fact. Out of all the states in the union, Alaska stands alone as the best. Like exemplary states before it, Alaska wasn’t always this perfect.
Pioneers and rugged leaders worked tirelessly to shape the state into what it has become today — a utopia. One leader in particular has had an immeasurable impact on our great state. It’s time we looked back at his achievements and properly honored him.
Thank you, Gov. Mike Dunleavy.
One of Gov. Dunleavy’s many accolades is becoming the first incumbent Republican governor of Alaska to be reelected since 1978. Dunleavy’s achievement is even more impressive when the efforts to unseat him during his first term are considered.
One year into Dunleavy’s term, radical leftists across Alaska attempted to cobble together a farcical recall petition in 2019. Reasons for the recall were usual liberal gripes about elected officials doing their jobs in a way that the snowflakes don’t approve of.
The initial petition gathered enough signatures to be certified by the Alaska Division of Elections, but organizers were unable to gather — or forge — enough signatures to trigger a recall election.
The left subsequently failed to elect someone whose policies they approved of, leading to continued whinging throughout Dunleavy’s second term.
Another area where Dunleavy has excelled is the Permanent Fund Dividend — or PFD.
Dunleavy has worked tirelessly to promote major spending on securing full PFD payouts for residents of the state. After all, Alaskans deserve $3000 checks every year for having a pulse.
Detractors of the governor claim he has not accomplished these goals and that proposing to spend $1.5 billion of the state's savings on one PFD payout is foolish.
However, the fault actually lies with a group of individuals hell-bent on making Governor Dunleavy’s job impossible — the state legislature.
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America is the greatest nation — that is a fact. Out of all the states in the union, Alaska stands alone as the best. Like exemplary states before it, Alaska wasn’t always this perfect.