The Havok Journal

12/07/2025

All I could think about was how isolated the chapel was. How someone must have sought it out, only to have found its doors locked in their moment of need. How that simple inscription was met with open arms. To know I have been both the locked doors—and the one asking why. I have not always been there for others as I should have. I have also felt forgotten, left only to ask, “why?”

"Why did you lock the doors when I needed to come in." When I read those words, I lost it. I began crying. The tears caught me at a logical ending, yet I A veteran reflects on grief, family, and healing during a visit to the New Mexico Vietnam Memorial, inspired by the powerful words: "Why did you l...

12/07/2025

Hypervigilance is a vital tool for firefighters on the scene of a call – because they need to stay alert to dangers – but can be challenging to turn off outside of emergency situations. Hypervigilance outside of high-intensity situations can be noted with feelings of being on guard, aggressive, or hyper-aroused at home, in public, in non-emergent work settings (e.g., at the firehouse), and even while driving or walking. It can be challenging to relax in safe situations or to wind down for sleep. Hypervigilance sustained for long periods of time becomes exhausting to maintain and can cause cascading physical and emotional concerns.

This article originally appeared in Crackyl Magazine and is republished with permission. By: Chris Frueh, PhD, Jadie Miller, Michelle L. O’Neill, Hon. Explore the comprehensive concept of Firefighter Syndrome—how chronic stress, trauma, and toxic exposures impact firefighters' physical and menta...

11/07/2025

Everything changes when you see home on the horizon. As it approaches, you start thinking about reuniting with your wife, your children, your friends and family. The possibility that you might leave Iraq alive becomes real. You no longer laugh at death. It becomes clear that death means business, so you had better respect that because you are both in the same line of work. He’s just more efficient.

In an instant, time stopped. I heard no sounds. I felt no movement. My mind focused squarely on the flash that had ripped a hole in the darkness. After We were United States Marines.

11/07/2025

Each year it matters – it feels important to recognize and connect with our history and our grief on the anniversary days.

I have no wish to wallow in it, but I do have a strong desire to acknowledge the impact that this man had on my life.

This man changed my whole life and future. Much of it due to the violence and addiction and trauma within our relationship, but also there was so much that was good and full of love.

Photo credit: Author Each year it matters - it feels important to recognize and connect with our history and our grief on the anniversary days. I have no Each Year It Matters

10/07/2025

Its generic blue tint looks like a night’s rest that for the last few weeks has escaped.

Never did I think that one day it would turn into the shrill of an ambulance siren.

Years passed and I developed a taste, graduating to painkillers and benzos.

It has been 10 years since my first pill, the DoD prescribed them faster than I could request it.

It was so easy to escape with a few pills just to get through the day and nights.

It has been 5 war zones, 9 combat deployments, 3 brothers KIA, and 1 Divorce.

Yet through it all, they were always here, now the VA just sends them in the mail.

It has been a few weeks since my last relapse, I guess I was still trying to escape the truth.

Not having physical symptoms does it still make you an addict?

Does trying to escape the pain and fears with pills make me an addict?

I’m just trying to numb what I feel, the trauma, the guilt, all I need is one more pill.

Its generic blue tint looks like a night’s rest that for the last few weeks has escaped. Never did I think that one day it would turn into the shrill of I’m just trying to numb what I feel, the trauma, the guilt, all I need is one more pill

10/07/2025

While we were in uniform, we counted a lot of things. Vehicles in the motor pool. Our troops coming into the patrol base. Enemy on the objective. But one of the most important things we counted were the days. Days left in basic. Days left in the training exercise. Days until this deployment was over. Days until the next one. Days, it was always the days. And frankly, we were often focused more on counting the days than we were in making the days count.

For many veterans, the battlefield doesn’t end with discharge papers. The silence after the storm can be deafening. The shift from the intensity of military life to the seemingly mundane rhythm of civilian existence is jarring. And in that shift, many begin to wonder: Am I making the days count, or am I just counting the days?

But I think we all know the answer.

This isn’t a call to romanticize the past or to ignore the wounds—seen and unseen—that service brings. Rather, it’s a challenge. A challenge to confront the creeping inertia that can follow service, the dull ache of purpose lost, and to rise once more—not for war, but for life.

Military service teaches structure, discipline, leadership, and sacrifice. But it also imprints a profound sense of purpose. When that mission ends, veterans often struggle to find a new one. Days stretch out, each one echoing the last, and time becomes something to endure, not embrace.

But here’s the hard truth: You’ve faced worse. You’ve overcome greater obstacles. You have already proven your ability to lead, adapt, and endure. What’s needed now is a new objective—one rooted in who you are beyond the uniform.

Making the days count means choosing impact over inertia. It means volunteering in your community, mentoring the next generation, pursuing education, building a business, strengthening your family, or seeking the help you need to heal. It’s not about replicating the past—it’s about applying the lessons of service to forge a new legacy.

Counting the days is easy. It requires nothing but a clock. Making the days count takes courage—the same kind you’ve already demonstrated time and time again.

So ask yourself: What are you doing with today? And if the answer isn’t what you want it to be, know this—you have the power, and the responsibility, to change it.

That’s because the best warriors don’t just fade away, like the days on last year’s calendar. They evolve. Even after service, they make the days count, they don’t just count the days.

While we were in uniform, we counted a lot of things. Vehicles in the motor pool. Our troops coming into the patrol base. Enemy on the objective. But one

09/07/2025

Common Challenges in the Path to Recovery
You must take a proactive stance. Expect these barriers:

Civilian society doesn’t understand what you’ve experienced or sacrificed.
Bureaucracies may prioritize social narratives over your individual care needs.
The VA and modern healthcare systems often misdiagnose veterans with PTSD, ignoring other conditions.
Medical science lacks effective treatment for TBI, hormone dysfunction, sleep issues, chronic pain, and addiction.
Modern medicine is fragmented—your therapist won’t likely speak to your endocrinologist.
Insurance rarely covers novel interventions (e.g., ketamine therapy, psychedelics, sauna therapy).
Few providers understand operators’ unique context and exposures.
Recovery requires assertiveness, persistence, and trial-and-error. It may involve “alternative” treatments and must include lifestyle changes—sleep, diet, exercise, relationships, and finding meaning.

Approach recovery like you approached your career: never quit, never give up.

Editor's Note: This 4-part series was adapted by Chris Frueh, PhD, from his book titled Operator Syndrome (2024; Ballast Books). The pattern of injuries Explore effective treatments for Operator Syndrome with this comprehensive recovery guide by Dr. Chris Frueh. Learn how veterans and first responde...

09/07/2025

09/07/2025

When soldiers are asked why they volunteered for the paratroopers, their responses come in many forms. Many men signed up to be in the Airborne because they possessed a desire to fight for their country after the attacks on Pearl Harbor.[1] Many believed it was their patriotic duty.[2]Family was another reason. There were those who had relatives in WWI and figured that it was their time to serve; then there were others who already had a brother or friends that had enlisted in the unit.[3] There were some who signed up simply because they planned on serving and wanted the extra jump pay. While others shared the same sentiments, they also figured if they were going to sign up for something, they might as well join the best the Army had to offer.

When soldiers are asked why they volunteered for the paratroopers, their responses come in many forms. Many men signed up to be in the Airborne because When soldiers are asked why they volunteered for the paratroopers, their responses come in many forms. Many men signed up to be in the Airborne beca...

08/07/2025

In recovery, you find that you have a lot of time on your hands, and idle hands / minds are the devil’s playground. In most residential treatment centers, the programs are structured and organized – helping to minimize stress and uncertainty and support the safest and most welcoming environment for recovery. A major component to recovery is focused on developing new, healthy habits that are intended to become routine once you return to your life outside, and exercise is a habit that provides structure – helping to distract from cravings, prevent relapse, and give you something to look forward to each day. By engaging in regular exercise, individuals can improve their physical fitness, mental health, and emotional stability.

by Warriors Heart “In 2016, I was extremely underweight, unhealthy - essentially dying inside and out,” recalls Michael O’Dell, Executive Director at Michael O’Dell, a Texan, Marine and Father with a resilient spirit, found his calling in supporting fellow warriors battling addiction and PTS...

08/07/2025

Your body is you. Your cells constantly reflect every stress and emotion within. Your body, mind, and spirit have embedded wounds. You are depleted. Your muscles have soaked up more stress than they can carry, your nervous system rails from extreme overdrive, pumping Adrenaline and Cortisol through inflamed arteries; your skin has taken a beating, your eyes are worn out, acid has eaten away your guts, your cells have suffered from lack of true nutrition, your lungs have been cramped, your ears damaged. And if you have been physically wounded, you have added pain and suffering.

Imagine a child you love having been through what you’ve been through. Would you expect that child to simply arrive home after months in such conditions, change clothes, take a bath, sleep for a couple of days, and go back to school? No. Would you expect this child to never cry, break down or show sadness? No. You would know that your child needs rest, deep rest, and you would not expect him to simply ‘get on with it.’ You would know deep within that your child needs everything possible—every ounce of nurturing and love and tenderness and compassion to have the best chance to heal from such a horrific ordeal. You would make sure your child has the best food, rest, medicine, a soft place to sleep, and the freedom to cry in your arms.

You are somebody’s child. And you deserve just as much compassion—from others and from yourself. Give yourself permission to be gentle with your body. Lower your expectations and demands. Don’t berate yourself if you find simple things drain you. Your body needs time to recover and it may take years before you are physically restored or adapt to permanent wounds.

by Britta Reque-Dragicevic This first appeared in Britta's blog, "Life After War" and is republished with the author's permission. _____________________ Whether or not you were physically wounded in battle, you are wounded. Deeply. And your wounds are real. It may take some time for you to become aw...