10/03/2025
"NO" Means "Yes"------ Well Sometimes: A Woman's Guide
Sarah: So we got an image here with no wacky backstory.
Me: That’s impossible.
Sarah: Nope just a great shot. I look so bad-ass there. Thanks for making me look like that.
Me: It’s you. I just happen to be there to record it in time.
Sarah: So, we’re just staring at a cool picture.
Me: Yes. That’s the plot twist — it refuses to have a plot. It’s just cool.
Sarah: That’s… kind of rebellious.
Me: Anyway… You look gorgeous in that shot.
Sarah: Stop.
Me: Okay.
Sarah: No, not like actually stop.
Me: See, this is the problem. “Stop” should mean stop.
Sarah: It does. Unless I say it with that little smile.
Me: That’s too many rules. Men get confused easily.
Sarah: That’s why we test you.
Me: It’s not a test, it’s a trap.
Sarah: A flattering trap.
Me: Still a trap! You’re basically saying “Guess what I mean or die.”
Sarah: And somehow, you still keep guessing.
Me: Because when you say “stop,” what you really mean is “keep going.”
Sarah: Exactly.
Me: So what happens if you actually do want me to stop?
Sarah: …then I’ll say “seriously.”
Me: Seriously? So the scale is: “Stop” means go, “Seriously stop” means maybe, and “Seriously. Stop.” means…?
Sarah: Then you run.
Me: And yet somehow, you call us the confusing ones.
Sarah: Of course. We’re not confusing—we’re just layered.
Me: Like onions.
Sarah: More like cake.
Me: …That still sounds like a cake trap.
Okay, so let’s test this “stop/don’t stop” thing.
Sarah: Brave man. Proceed, Steve.
Me: You look stunning.
Sarah: Stop.
Me: …But with the smile. That means “keep going.”
Sarah: Correct. You may continue.
Me: You don’t just look stunning, you look like you accidentally walked off a movie poster.
Sarah: Stop.
Me: Ooooh, but that sounded like “Stop before I start blushing.”
Sarah: You’re catching on.
Me: You realize this is basically Morse code, right? Like I need a decoder ring just to talk to you.
Sarah: Women are the decoder ring.
Me: Which you keep hiding.
Sarah: Makes the game more fun.
Me: Fun for you. For me, it’s like defusing a bomb. “Cut the red wire or the blue?” BOOM.
Sarah: You lived. Keep going.
Me: You’re gorgeous.
Sarah: Seriously, stop.
Me: Okay now I don’t know if that’s the “actually stop” stop or the “I’m pretending to be mad but really I’m flattered” stop.
Sarah: …You’re sweating.
Me: Because I don’t know if I just passed or failed.
Sarah: You passed. For now.
Me: Okay, so here’s the thing. If we’re really going to test the “don’t” theory with a kiss… I have to do this professionally.
Sarah: Like what, a kiss? (laughs) Really.
Me: Hey you said it.
Sarah: (a beat) Ok I’ll call your bluff. So. A KISS eh? You’re pretty bold. And professionally? You make it sound like paperwork’s involved.
Me: Exactly. As a close friend and your photographer, I can’t just kiss you. I have to ask permission to kiss you or I end up on the news.
Sarah: Oh wow. So this is like an HR meeting now. I know you took a vow, pledge or whatever; never to touch the models in anyway w/o prior express permission.
Me: That’s correct.
Sarah: I thought that was pretty much out the window or do you just use it as “required”?
Me: Noooooo… Nevermind, you’re right. I was just screwing with you.
Sarah: No no, it’s ok. I’m here to help you understand women.
Me: If you’re sure… “Dear Sarah, may I, for purely scientific reasons, touch your face with my face?”
Sarah: (laughs) That is the least romantic sentence in history.
Me: But ethical! Gotta keep it ethical. So… do I have your consent for this test? Are you uncomfortable?
Sarah: Yes. I mean no. Dammit. You can kiss me.
Me: …Wait. Is that a real “yes” or the kind of “yes” that secretly means “no”?
Sarah: Guess.
Me: See this is what I mean. Women have weaponized language. A man hears “yes” and thinks “green light,” but really it’s “maybe, unless you guess wrong.”
Sarah: And yet you’re still leaning closer.
Me: Because if I don’t test the theory, we’ll never know.
Sarah: And if you do, you might fail.
Me: Every great scientist risks failure.
Sarah: (smirks) So kiss me, Professor Ethics.
Me: Okay, before I proceed with the experiment, we need to establish test parameters.
Sarah: Parameters? Seriously?
Me: Yeah. There are categories. Do you want: Option A: a peck kiss, Option B: the friendly kiss, Option C: the slobbery film kiss? or Option D: “the Works”?
Sarah: Those are the only options? Wait the “Works”? Is that the —
Me: Yeah yeah, that’s in the blog as the “The Dismantling”*. That’s the menu. I don’t make the rules, I just present the data.
Sarah: Alright, what’s the difference?
Me: You know the Peck, for Grandma, Friendly kiss: quick, light, very HR-approved. Slobbery film kiss: dramatic, way too long, probably some popcorn involved. The “Works” is probably “greyed out” right now on the menu. You’ll have to upgrade your subscription for that one.
Sarah: (laughing) Holy Geeezus.
Me: Don’t question the science. Now, which one do you approve for testing?
Sarah: Hm. I’ll say… friendly kiss.
Me: I believe you said "Friendly Kiss", good choice for beginners. You can always upgrade later. (laughing) Anyway: Friendly-friend kiss, or “friendly kiss that pretends to be friendly but is secretly the other one”?
Sarah: Ah Guess.
Me: (groans) You’ve turned this into a legal trap.
Sarah: No, I’ve turned this into a peer-reviewed study.
Me: Peer-reviewed? You’re the only peer here!
Sarah: Exactly. I’m the journal. I decide if you get published.
Me: (pause, eye contact), (leans in, kisses her softly, gently) Okay. That was Option B.
Sarah: Mhm. That’s was really nice. I mean you could’ve moved over a little to Option C.
Me: Wait, I thought you said friendly kiss. I gave you what you asked for.
Sarah: But that’s not what I wanted.
Me: F**K! But but... (makes straggling motions)
Sarah: (laughs) That's Option E. I did. But in the name of science, all variables must be explored. So let's try Option C.
Me: This is how you tricked me into a slobbery film kiss, isn’t it? Or are you asking for Option C but want D?
Sarah: Oh poor baby. (smiles) Hypothesis confirmed.
Me: Did you learn anything from this? Can you see how—
Sarah: Stop. Steve. Woman not changing. Look I gave you some insight into women—
Me; No you didn’t! Basically all you did was say your brains follow no logical pattern and every female and situation has it’s own set of rules and it’s a fu**in guessing game. And I presented to you all the variables we have to deal with. I didn’t even offer the “Tongue” option yet. Anyway thanks for being a good sport about this.
Sarah: That sounds about right. Wait, Tongue?
