03/09/2025
I had been feeling sad about my hair and trich stuff the past few days.
I took off my glued-on wig a few nights ago, after having it on for a week, because it was so itchy. I probably could've gone another week with it on because the glue is actually that strong and the first wig lasted 12 days before I took it off. But I just couldn't bear it anymore, and I took this one off. Then the past few days I just wore it the regular way, securing it tight on my head with the stretchy cap before going out of the house.
I haven't had my own natural hair as long as these wigs are since I was 16… Ten years ago. At 16, I started wearing glued on hairpieces for a year, then shaved my head, then have grown it out and cut it shorter a number of times in the decade since, but it's never been able to get much longer than my shoulders. Once again it is SO jarring to have my real hair shaved down this short, to then put on a super long luscious wig and instantly feel feminine and pretty. Because the fact is that I don't feel pretty or feminine with my buzzcut. I simply don't. I feel like I look like a little boy.
Yes I've had my head shaved like this before, heck I've even had my hair shaved completely bald down to the scalp before, AND I went out like that all the time, without covering up. But that was 9 years ago, and I was in a different place in my life. I had just graduated high school, starting the brand new next chapter of my life being in the “real world” for the first time. It was a fresh start and I could be anything I wanted. I didn't care what anyone else thought, it was a New Me, and I stopped wearing my glued on hairpieces and shaved my head at 17 sort of as a “f— you” to trichotillomania and the years of shame it caused me growing up. I was no longer ashamed and I felt like a badass.
Now at 26, I'm in a different place and it's not quite feasible to go out with a buzzcut. I'm an adult and established in my career and my life. I work as a caregiver for two different families with kids with developmental disabilities. The main family I work for – that I've been with for over 5 years and feel like I'm an extended part of their family – actually knows I have trich and has seen me with both pixie cut and with wigs. But the other family I work for 1-2 days a week as my secondary job, does not know about or has ever seen me with hair this short. And I'd prefer not to have to explain it at all to the parents, let alone the boy I work with, who is 14 but has cerebral palsy and has the mentality more so of a preschooler. For now, it's just “easier” to wear wigs.
Even with my hair still considered "pixie" length, right before I shaved it, it had gotten long enough to start pulling. When I "discovered" that it was long enough to pull, I nipped that in the bud right away and shaved it the very next day and did my first glued wig install. That was almost a month ago, and I'm still not used to having a buzzcut, well because I've had it covered with the wigs for 3 weeks straight. I think I might glue my wig back on again soon to combat these low feelings, but I also want to give my head and what little hair I have a break for a little bit.
Then something a couple nights ago triggered a thought I never had and made me feel really sad... I saw a post in a bridal/wedding planning facebook group I'm in, where a woman was asking if she should do blonde or brunette hair for her wedding, having had blonde hair in the past and her hair natural brown currently. And it occurred to me the thoughts of: “what am I gonna do with my hair at my wedding?”
“Will I even HAVE hair??!!”
“Will I have to style and wear a wig instead??”
Granted my fiance and I don't have a wedding date set and are not having a huge wedding. But we are hoping to marry some time next year, assuming my fiance gets a job ASAP (he's been on a ton of interviews and has some possible leads that look promising) and assuming we are able to move in together within the next year. Wishful thinking perhaps, but not totally out of reach. And despite not having a lavish affair, on my wedding day I still want to look and feel the most beautiful I've ever looked and felt. Like a princess. And the fact is that I don't feel that way with my head shaved. Yet I don't want to *have to* wear a wig either. I know he loves me and thinks I'm beautiful no matter what. But growing up, as a little girl you never imagine having to deal with being practically bald as a bride.
A part of me also feels frustrated with myself because here I am leading these groups for kids and teens with HabitAware, and still doing my Trichster Sisters program… and I have all these kids that look up to me, yet here I am back in hiding, covering up with wigs and feeling low. It makes me feel like a fraud, even though I know that's not actually true.
I accept my trichotillomania, I accept that as a part of me, and accept that it will be with me for life. I don't put pressure on myself to be “pull free” ever. It was hard as a teenager to accept it, but I'm past that now. I love myself and I don't attach my self worth to my hair. I know I'm not defined by it. And as weird as it may sound, I'm honestly truly THANKFUL for trich. I'm proud of myself for all that I've done to give back to the community, I'm thankful it's given me a platform and a purpose to help others. I'm thankful for the countless people I've met and friends I've made along the way, all because of this crazy wild journey. Yet despite all that, right now at the moment I don't feel pretty or confident at all with my buzzcut. I don't. I wish I did, but I don't.
I've been dealing with trich for 15 years, more than half my life and this is just the reality.
