09/05/2025
Understanding My Grief
It took me over a year to finally want to move forward with my life as my bereavement over your loss washed over me in waves. Sometimes I was so angry at it all, how could you just be gone so suddenly, yet other times it came as a gentle washing of the waves as I relented and simply cried.
Yet, they would all be overwhelming. I’d wake some days with the knowing you wouldn’t be there and couldn’t bring myself to want to get out my bed. On most mornings those first six months I would wrap myself in your old robe, or a flannel shirt that still smelled like you. It gave me comfort to be able to still smell you like that.
The nights I spent with silent tears running down my face. I could not seem to cry in front of others. I did not want to share my pain with them. It was my way of holding myself together, so I did not break completely. I wanted to just go with you so badly. I kept thinking I would slip away in sleep and join you there just beyond the moon as we talked about. It never came, that wished for relief. After those first six months that despair washed away from the shore so quietly. I accepted that I was stuck here without you.
I started to become a bitter old bitty. The anger I felt at being left behind eating away at my soul. I found myself snapping at others like some snide old hag. Everything I hated about some women I knew in my lifetime. I had to stop that. I did not want that to be how I was remembered.
So, I started looking for ways to find myself again. I started writing a new book. I looked at ways to make money using my writing skills. I took classes on proofreading. I took small writing assignments I found online. A small ad campaign here or a short story article there. It gave me the will to live again.
I am spending time now working on two very different books I intend to publish by next spring. One is a paranormal fantasy about an Irish Witch set in Ireland; the other is a YA book set in the United States the fourteen-year-old girl as the he**in.