12/11/2025
The simplest ways to support the caregivers in your life
This article by Elizabeth Passarella appeared in The New York Times. Here’s an excerpt.
Begin by listening and validating.
It can be hard to know what wisdom or help to offer, so resist the urge. “Caregivers don’t want to be fixed; they want to be heard,” said Susanne White, author of “Self-Care for Caregivers.”
You can break the ice with: “What’s annoying you right now? Want to talk about it?” Be a safe space for venting, she said.
If you’ve been there with your own parents and can relate, even better, said Catherine Riffin, an associate professor of psychology in geriatric medicine at Weill Cornell Medicine who studies family caregiving. “It’s called experiential similarity,” she said. “Talking to people who are going through the same life experience reduces stress.”
Dr. Riffin said that the emotional demands of caregiving — feeling overwhelmed or guilty or rehashing old arguments — cause the most strain. “Exposing your own vulnerabilities can alleviate the loneliness your friend may feel,” she said.
Get specific about how you can help.
Offers like “let me know if you need anything” are often met with crickets. Pay attention to what your friend is angsty about and propose targeted support.
Experts agreed that setting a specific time frame — saying you are free from 10 a.m. to 12 p.m. and will bring coffee or take a walk — may get a quicker yes. White had offers to walk her dog. Friends of mine who knew the constant burden of feeding kids ordered dinner or sent grocery deliveries (both of which can be done from afar).
Your friend might refuse your help or ignore you altogether. Don’t take it personally. “Caregivers need time to adapt,” White explained. When she began caring for her parents, she found that her most helpful friends were “patient and consistent,” she said. “They kept offering — ‘I have some extra time. I can pick up the groceries. I’m good with paperwork.’ — until I felt comfortable asking for help.”
Don’t be afraid to sub in.
Respite is critical for avoiding burnout, Dr. Riffin said. If you know your friend’s parents, you might even offer to take a shift. You could read to them while your friend takes a nap or goes to yoga.
Lynn Bufka, a clinical psychologist and head of practice at the American Psychological Association, lives 600 miles from her parents but has childhood friends who offer to step in when needed. “Remember that older people still have things to contribute,” she said. “Let your friend’s parents teach you a new card game or crochet skill.”
A colleague recently told me that when she was caring for her father, having friends stop by (often with her dad’s favorite treats) broke up the monotony of long days. “One childhood friend wrote me a note after he died about how much it meant to her to be with him,” she said. “I knew my dad loved it but never thought about the other way around.”
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“I was lucky enough to have my sibling’s support throughout my caregiving journey. And still my mother almost outlived me.” To learn about Mark Steven Porro’s adventures with Genevieve, link is in the comments.
To get your “A Cup of Tea on the Commode: My Multi-Tasking Adventures of Caring for Mom and How I Survived to Tell the Tale” for a great price, link is in the comments.
