OV Disconnect

10/16/2018

09/13/2018

Remember when sexual misconduct used to be funny?

07/06/2018

It was just a matter of time until he was outed.

07/05/2018

City of Wheeling officials have determined that negative social media comments caused the partial collapse of a downtown building recently. "Some of these buildings are just too old to withstand negative Facebook comments," said one city official. "People think they make these comments in a vacuum, but they weigh on the structural integrity of these buildings." The city already has posted for a new position of Positivity Coordinator whose main job duty will be to reply with a 🦄 or 🌈 emoji for every negative social media comment about downtown initiatives in an effort prolong the life of these buildings.

06/06/2018

Wheeling Jesuit has announced the hiring of "Coach" to be the head coach for ALL of its athletic teams. In a statement issued by Msgr. Kevin Quirk, Chair of the WJU Board of Trustees, Quirk said, "I don't want the public to view this as a cost cutting move, but his name is "Coach," so he is obviously qualified to coach every team." The statement said most teams will now practice once per week and schedule games back to back to back to back on the turf field as much as possible so "Coach," now 74 years old, does not get burned out too quickly.

05/16/2018

With the advent of the legalization of sports betting in WV Wheeling Island has announced its first prop bet. Charlie Ballouz informed City Council yesterday that he has collected 593 signatures opposed to two way traffic and expects to collect 300 to 400 more. Wheeling Island has placed the over/under on signatures at 994.5 to be collected by election day 2020. Save those tickets folks.

05/15/2018

Not content with already pi***ng off 75% of Wheeling residents with a proposed two-way traffic plan for Main and Market Streets, Mayor Elliot announced today plans for a traffic study for the feasibility of restricting National Road to foot traffic only. "The flow of foot traffic works really well during the annual Ogden half marathon, and some of us on council believe walking is really the only acceptable means of transportation in a city." The plan would be for vehicle traffic to be re-routed away from National Road and into neighborhoods. "Forcing more traffic into neighborhoods will result in slower speeds and more people with their eyes on for-sale residential real estate in the City; we also expect less severe accidents on National Road as collisions between pedestrians are more of a nuisance than a real concern - it's a win win for everyone."

Upon hearing this plan, 7 News immediately stuck a microphone in the face of downtown activist Charlies Ballouz for comments. "I'm already on it," said Ballouz, "the people who signed my original petition said they were against change of any kind in Wheeling, so I can just copy their signatures to a new petition, or any petition for that matter, whenever the mayor announces anything new."

In a related development Grow Ohio Valley announced plans to abandon the Intermodal Center and set up more mobile fruit and vegetable stands along National Road. In a statement Grow OV noted, "We just need $150,000 in start up money for these stands, which we may or may not ask the City for this money. Our biggest expense is the mobile craft beer garden which we intend to place across the street from TJ's. Grow OV should not be viewed as a competitor because we will also have kale chips at our beer stand which everyone knows TJ's does not serve."

05/02/2018

SJWs unite!

04/22/2018

Thomas (Tom) is running for Board of Education (BOE) in Marshall County (MC) West Virginia (WV); everyone calls him “Bob”

04/19/2018

Local photographer auteur Howard Monroe is outraged at the prospect of Grow Ohio Valley opening anything resembling a food store. Mr. Monroe, who is known valley-wide for his lunch plate still life photography, opposes the minimalist meal offerings being proposed by the non-profit. Said Monroe, "I refuse to use a zoom lens when photographing my lunch; a standalone seaweed sandwich doesn't cut it. How do you light it or position it without a big bowl of soup or a heaping plate of gravy fries next to it."

04/12/2018

Scott Summers looks to retire in Wheeling.