Thoughts4Today

02/02/2025

It's been a while. Wishing you a happy 2025! Much has happened. Many things I wasn't willing to share with my peers. I thought I was prepared to be open, but I didn't want to be judged or discussed. The past two years have taught me about maintaining privacy regarding my own affairs and those of others. Helping others through similar struggles can foster growth, but I've learned that not everyone has your best interest in mind. I'm starting 2025 with a new career, a new relationship, and a new focus. I aim to share this with you in a mature, healthy way. Let's work towards prosperity this year in all aspects of our lives.

08/24/2023

Things I relearned yesterday.

*Everyone has a unique story. Ask someone about themselves. Never assume. People are very interesting.!

*God sometimes has to be invited into a room. Don't be afraid to do so.!

*Mind altering chemicals make people self centered have tunnel vision!

*Watch quietly and you can see clearer!

What did you learn/relearn recently?

05/30/2023

5/30/23 Hey. I've gotten really lax about this blog. I started taking classes in the spring and they kept me pretty busy. And I went through a break up after 8 years in February which has also kept me busy. We acquired a lot of junk to which is still being siphoned out. Being a single women is no joke especially when you have too much stuff. Now that school is over, straight A's (I will definitely brag!!), summer is here. I have a pool and a motorcycle and grass that needs to be cut, a camper I want to use (no truck to pull it with though). I've been so busy. I have gone through periods of sadness and loneliness, and then periods of empowerment and gratitude.
Its been a long time since I've been alone, my kids are grown and doing their own thing, my parents are older, my dad is bedridden and my mother has not much choice but to sit by his bedside.
There is never enough time for everything that needs to be done, should be done, can be done. Life has become overwhelming. That is not my goal. I want a nice relaxing lifestyle.
My goal is to be able to find a remote job and travel in my camper wherever it takes me. I think this is what my goal is.
What a journey life can be.
I will finish my classes this fall for the certification I am working toward. Maybe I will continue and finish my bachelors degree as well.
I will make new friends. Hopefully spend more time with old ones. Its not where I thought I would be when 2023 started, but its ok. I believe I prayed for this. Clarity. Be careful what you pray for. You just might get it. God Bless!

05/15/2023

Baltimore County Police Get Trained in 'Green Lab' To Bust Stoned Drivers And Keep Roads Safe

04/19/2023

4/19/23 I want to tell you about my day yesterday. I work in billing and I type customer invoices. I abbreviated the word associate and it turned out ASS. The customer saw it and mentioned it to one of our managers. I believe the customer thought it was a funny error. Our customers are mostly amazing. Our company is usually very laid back but this was an embarrassing mistake on my part. She passed the mistake around. Then emailed it to our administration about how we should check ourselves before we send things, that is could make us all look like an ASS! I was enraged and embarrassed. Why not bring it to my attention instead of making a spectacle? Everyone in admin had already seen it but just in case, lets make sure.
She had made an error in her grammar as she wrote the email. So, I shot back that it must have been something like that. She came back at me again but in a undertone of ugly. I sat in my pause. I knew that I couldn't do anything that wouldn't make it worse. I sat and fumed.
She must have as well. I got a phone call. She wanted to know if I would have written that to our other managers. All our managers were on the email. I knew they would see it. She did not think I would have.
As she is "bullying" me, another manager is at my desk. I included him in the conversation which caught her off guard.
What a s**t show! So far there hasn't been any repercussion. I mentioned it to my manager just so if anything arises that it was known. I have had a few fall outs. I have this issue of standing up for myself now. I don't pick arguments.
It took me a long time to be able to stand up for myself. For many years I'm sure I was "sexual harassed" before I even knew what it was. Hell, I may have even sexually harassed someone. Boundaries were never one of my strong suites. I have had to work hard to learn that I have worth. That I deserve to be treated the way others want to be treated. Normally :)
I don't know if anything else will come of this. This is not the first time she has said something in front of others. I don't understand why??? Maturity is learning when and how to talk to someone if there is an issue.
Pray for me!

03/30/2023

Wow, sitting here thinking about successful people and how they got there. How did they get there? Hard work? I'm guessing a chunk of money always helps with start ups. I was just chatting with someone who is buying properties with other people, finding management companies to run them. Its a few of them going into it. He used his 401k. Scary maybe? I try to think of self sustaining ideas all of the time. It makes sense that if something works to continue and try something else. I watch a lot of people starting recovery centers. There is also experience in something. I don't think I started and stayed with anything long enough to really have experience in it. I'm at my longest job and the best thing about it is that I have been here long enough to build a little money in my 401k. Not enough! I think of all the jobs of people I know. I know nurses, therapists, real estate agents, hair dressers, dog groomers, HVAC, plumbers (I know the plumber that works in the White House) who would have thought.; Accountants, people who lay carpet and flooring, clean houses, farmers. They seem content. I am not content. I just think and ponder about the world and the people living in it. Wondering if they are satisfied and content. I know people who have started their companies just doing what they knew and it took off. It takes hustle and commitment for sure. Its all very impressive to me.

I started school and I'm taking night classes. It keeps me very busy. I am taking an ADT Certification Course. Why or what for? Why not? I want to give something else a shot I think. I've been consistent with my recovery for many years. I thought maybe this would come natural. I'm not sure if it will. Its making me open my mind. I'm hoping for success.

Success for me these days just looks like being happy and comfortable in my life. I'm working on that success.

02/17/2023

2/17/23 Who's tired!
I am! I am! I woke up this morning sooo tired. Being tired I get aggrevated easily. Anger quicker. Its not who I like to be. And I always want to blame somebody else and I never can. Once I learned about personal responsibility, I can not blame other people for things, BUT I try! This morning was the dentist. They didn't remind me of my appt. lol Then someone I love had a court hearing this morning and the person didn't show which is an inconvenience to my person. Then I see all the trash on the ground and I want to put a sign on the side of the road that says If you litter you are an as***le! Now some of these things feel justified. But, I know that my mood really is because I have run myself in the ground this week.
I have started school and I work part time and I have a commitment that I keep and then I have a life as well. I cannot say NO to people. I think if people want to spend their time with me, then I feel very blessed so, I make the time. But I have been killing myself. 52 is not the age to run like a youngin'. I come home and I want to make some family time. I want to relax. I want to shower. and check facebook. Then before I know it, its is 12:00. Then I lay in bed til 1:00 when I finally get up to use the bathroom.
What sucks about all of this.... I am a grown up and I have to take
Personal Responsibility for my schedule. I am suppose to know better by now. And really I'm not spending this time, getting healthier or exercising.
Please tell me everyone is like this.... are you like this? Where does your time go? Its gone in a blink.
There is things you want to do, things you feel obligated to do, and things you have to do. Right now, I have to get off this blog and get back to work.
Rest up this weekend. I sure am going to try. Between all the things planned already.

02/15/2023

02/14/2023

2/14/23 Happy Valentine's Day!
You know Valentine's day at my house doesn't carry much weight. I did buy the kids (all grown) a balloon and a card. I actually even bought my boyfriend a card, my grandkids and my parents (they will probably see it) but for some reason we are tight around our house.
Even as a single mother, the kids always got something. You know, my kids aren't really givers, none of them. My 2 and his 2. Xmas, birthdays... I make sure everyone at least gets a birthday cake and gets sung to.
Anyway, I don't even remember what it was like when I was a single person. I think and I still have cards for my friends (probably because I never gave them out). I really suck at getting cards to people.
I do have plans tonight but only because my girlfriend and I made them a month ago. If its not on the schedule it doesn't get done.
I hope everyone has a wonderful day today, tomorrow and the following day. I will say Happy Valentines Day just because its Valentines Day.

01/28/2023

1/28/23 Just Shut the F*** Up!
Do you ever just think to yourself, I need to just shut the f**k up! So many times I say something then afterwards I wish I would have just let it be. Do I always have to speak? Just have the last work. Speak what comes into my brain. It doesn’t always have to be said. And sometime it doesn’t even hurt anyone, or bother anyone or they may not even notice but I do.
How about when you should speak up and don’t. I always think I’m just gonna let that fly. They didn’t mean it the way it sounded. I’m sure it was just a slip, I do it all the time. Or they have no manners.
I’ve done it all. I always think that if I speak up that it will end up in a fist fight. Old stinking thinking. I am way too old to be fist fighting. It makes me giggle thinking about it.
And shutting the f**k up… well it really just bothers me. Sometimes I feel ignored, or that I talk to much as is.
How about when you give too much information. Or talk inappropriately at inappropriate times. Done it!!! For sure!
All life lessons that people or I cannot be taught until you feel it. Like feel it inside. Its very uncomfortable and I have tried to retract or take things back. It doesn’t work.
What brought this on was today. A fella really was just trying to complement me saying he thought I looked like Anne Margaret. Many youngins don’t know who she is, I do because my dad lusted after her in his day. My boyfriend didn’t know who she is and he’s not that young but instead of taking the complement I said, I don’t know if that is a complement or not, she’s gotten pretty old now. I knew what he meant. Why? Just why couldn’t I shut up?
Or with my children… they are showing me something or telling me something they are proud of and I say but … or what if? Shut the f**k up, just shut the f**k up!
I remember a time when my daughter was little. She wanted to surprise me with breakfast in bed for my birthday or mothers day. I think she scrambled the eggs and instead of just saying thank you I said why didn’t you cook them some other way, I don’t even remember what it exactly was. And I don’t even think she caught it but I know my ex husband did. In a fight, I remember him saying, you just had to eat the eggs, Just eat the eggs!! He was right, why would I say anything thank you.
If my children have issues about being profectionist, there we go. That is why. I’m pretty sure my mother and father do it to me as well or did.
Any, I have been taught to practice the pause. I don’t always follow through with it, but I do make an effort.
So, I am practicing at 52 to just Shut the F*** Up! Wish me luck!

01/23/2023

SHOW YOUR RESCUE ANIMAL!!
Isn't it Rescue a Dog/Cat Month/Week? There are so many to choose from. Do you ever feel like you are looking for that someone to love? Well, they are at the Pound waiting for you? Go get yourself a companion, one that will fit all of the criteria you are looking for, ...loyal, faithful, happy to see you, loves to snuggle and stay indoors when you want and go for a walk when you want.

Think about it. Save their life! Let them save yours!!

01/04/2023

1/3/23 HEY, HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Well hey, Happy New Year to ya! Days in and I'm back on the hamster wheel. My first day back at work. I will say, I am grateful for routine, (sorta). On my days off I slept until I wanted to, did nothing, stayed in my pj's, slept more, binged tv. I guess that is what you are suppose to do on "vacation" although I did not look at it as a vacation. Its winter time and its cold and dark. I should have been a bear or something that hibernates in the winter and cold. Maybe I was a bear in my past life, who knows. I sure as hell can act like one sometimes.

I'm back to my calendar schedule. Full of meetings, and dinners to keep up friendships, and volunteer committee work, and grandbabies, and my health. All good things depending on my bear mood. Its all perspective.

Tonight was a celebration for a friend in recovery. 33 years of being clean. She is one of my closest friends, we have history. I love having history with people. I have been that person who keeps on moving along, not so consistent but always there. I was lucky tonight to run into so many old friends from before my life of children and marriage, and there's as well. It seems like a lifetime ago.

Life is so mysterious to me. Every year on New Years we look forward to a new beginning, another fresh year to come. But what about the amazing year before and the memories. Some good, some bad but they bring us to where we are.

I have so many season of friendships. So many memories and stories to tell. I wish I had captured them all. I think of my teenage years with all of my discovery of life and feelings, and finding comfort in my own skin. I didn't find that until I was in my 30's, probably even my 40's. My 20's was also full of discovery and travel and mistakes. My 30's were my growing years, my growing up years, years of marriage and children, some of my best and most painful years. My 40's flew by and hear I am in my 50's trying to plan for my future years. Self discovery is such an amazing process. Personally I don't think we talk about it enough. I try to tell my kids all of the things I thought everyone else knew and was keeping from me. That we don't have to have the answers for everything, that its ok to be wrong and make mistakes and fall down as long as you get right back up. My kids have so much more courage than I did at their age.

I have decided that the New Year every year is going to be a time of reflection for me as well as a time to Inventory myself to make myself better. I guess that means resolutions and so be it. Always striving to be the best me!

Happy New Year my friends!

12/29/2022

WHAT WAS YOUR WEDDING SONG? LIST BELOW!

12/29/22 Yesterday I was listening to my wedding song. It was When You Say Nothing at All by Allison Krauss. I don’t know why I googled it but it made me so sad. I have always loved the song and it was always something I wanted to feel with another human being. Maybe I had it, maybe I didn’t. At the time I felt like we did. I was married in 1999 and we divorced 10 years later but separated years before that. How crazy is it that you can feel so strongly about a person, so close and intimate that you believe you can go through anything with that person and continue to feel the same way, willing to withstand anything. That is not my story of my marriage. We met in a 12 step fellowship, both recovering from a drug addiction (which is one of the most powerful battles to fight no matter which side you are on). It was so so good in the beginning as most relationships are. We dreamed of travel, a home, pups and love. I got pregnant right after the wedding and baby 1 changed everything. I quit my career because it made sense at the time to stay home rather then work and spend the money on daycare. It was still a beautiful life, our little family. Hectic but good! Then we (I think we) decided to have baby 2. Somehow, somewhere we grew apart and addiction creeped back in to our lives. It was devastating and disastrous to us all. Every single one of us. To me, my husband, baby 1 and baby 2, our lifestyle, our relationship, our friendships. It was such a struggle and continued to be one way past our story of marriage. There were some good times when we tried to fix us, some really ugly bad times when we just gave up. Therapy, individual and couples. I believed til death due us part… until I felt like we were killing ourselves. It’s a sad story for us all, it changed the story we had planned out with so much happiness. My new story was a divorced single mom with two children doing the best we could.
I love to hear peoples stories. We all have one if we just stop and listen to one another. Some things you would never imagine someone could go through.
Most music I listen to has a story or memory that brings me so close to feelings or memories that I went through.
I listen to Miranda Lambert’s song Vice. I feel like she was singing about me. When I was a young adult I continued to do the same thing again and again looking for a different result. Whether it be another man/boy, another city, another state, another drink or drug. I was always looking for something else to fix me. Nothing ever worked until I removed all of the “vices” and started from scratch to rebuild myself.
I am always looking for an easier way. Today it is getting healthier through exercise and diet. So I would prefer plastic surgery or these new light machines and gadgets and just not eat or skip meals. And 52 years in, I know that doesn’t work so before I started to write, I was looking up healthy recipes. Sounds like another new years resolution, and hopefully its not a week long thing, my Dr. says it needs to be longer. I’m giving it a shot.
So that is my thoughts for today. Thanks for letting me share with you!

12/29/2022

12/28/22 Expectations
We are coming down to the last days of 2022. Was it a good year for you? An emotional one? How do you decide, Money made? Money lost? Love gained? Love lost? New family members or a loss of family members? So many things can weigh in on that answer. Think about it. I would really have to sit down with myself to think about it. I try to keep it going. Life is never in my ideal state. I always want more or want to do less. I do realize that life just a journey we are on. It’s a ride..so many twist and turns, ups and downs. My daddy told me a long time ago that everyday someone is born and everyday someone dies and that one thing is for sure, we will die. Maybe not when we think or how, but it is inevitable. And much of it decides on the choices we make during our journey. So death doesn’t come as a surprise to me depending on where we are in our life.
None of that is what I planned to write about. My new question of the year… that is what I want to write about.
The new question will be, “What are your/my expectations”? I think that is a clear cut question that can answer so many things. I do believe it can solve so much confusion and hurt and misunderstanding. We are not clear with our intentions or expectations.
I know why I am wishy washy. I am “hoping” for the best outcome. If I don’t know, I can expect either less or more. I have done this with so many things in my life. Jobs, relationships, raises, cost of services, gifts, etc. When I know what to expect up front, I can not be disappointed. Disappointment has been a huge feeling in my life. And then I let it roll off and do it again and again. So, my New Year’s Resolution (which hopefully I can stick to bc I do not A LOT) is to ask that question. “What are my expectations? What are your expectations of me
Being honest with my answer is the next decision to follow. It is also something I have struggled with bc I am a codependent person. I want to fullfill all of yours and mine expectations or at least I think I can. Being honest with my answer is the adult thing to do. I am practicing adulting. 52 years old and I still struggle with adulting. Understandable! I am not perfect just in my journey of learning and growing and being honest.
Let me know how you feel about any of that. I know people who are straight up and its admirable. I shake in my boots especially when I cannot fill an expectation. Loss happens when I’m not upfront or forward. I am no longer confident or trustworthy or reliable and those are things I do not want to feel.
For some its easy. For me, its practice!

12/21/2022

12/21/2022

12/21/22
Its almost the end of the year and I know most folks are pulling there hair out. One thing I have learned, what doesn't get done, doesn't get done. It is what it is! I haven't wrapped one gift, nor do I know what we are having for Xmas dinner. I fly from one day to another. I do what is on my calendar and then I fit whatever in between. I am ok with this because when I commit to something, I do it. The rest is up in the air. People know this about me.

I finished paying all of my medical bills for the year. Set up my accounts for the New Year. Finally started writing down username and passwords to make my life a little easier. I can spend so much time trying to figure out a password that by the time I get it together, I no longer what to finish whatever it is I was going to start.

I registered for 3 online classes. I'm sure I'm pushing it but I can buckle down. I'm not even sure what I want to be or do when I grow up but I figure anything else on the resume cannot be bad.

My goal for the new year is to finish the projects in front of us. Not to start anything new, (except my bathroom over Xmas, shhh! Mike's trying to get out of it. ) He said I can't ask for honeydo projects as a gift.

We got new insurance at work and I even think I'm gonna change docs. I've gotten some new diagnosis this year and I'm gonna get the proper care.

So I'm feeling good (after my pain management shots) these days. Not so much pain. But winter kicks my ass and not having the pain really helps me to get up and go.

How are you taking care of yourself, and being productive or are you beating yourself up and sitting on the couch? You are not alone either way. I have productive days then there are days I don't change out of my pjs and lay on the couch all day. Not so bad days there either.

Hang in there hot stuff!

12/14/2022

12/14/22
Something I think of all of the time these days is what I want my future to look like. What are my dreams and goals. Obviously I have waited a long time to really take this serious. I know that I want to be warm year round. My dream would be to be a snow bird in the winters. I do not like the cold. I do not like being in the dark all of the time. I do not want to sell my house in Maryland altho it is my greatest asset. The area I live in is becoming so overgrown and even dangerous. IF I were to sell, I don't imagine it being to another part of Baltimore, or even Maryland. Then that leaves the money making piece. Gotta work to make money. I would love to work remote so I could go places and still work. My whole life I have always thought that everyone else makes everything look so easy. Nothing is really easy, I know that. So, I look and I listen, I read and I plan. Sometimes I feel like that isn't enough, that you sometimes just have to jump, take that leap of faith!! How scary! How frightening! I love to ask people about their stories. Everyone has one. I'm 52 and retirement is all that is on my mind these days. I still have time but I am so afraid that when the time comes, I won't be able to physically and financially. Any words of wisdom, please share. This is the only way I get my advise or words of wisdom. I look forward to you sharing.