09/05/2025
Our host, Jennifer Beil, had the privilege of writing an article for the Christian Womanhood magazine. We highly recommended you subscribing to this incredible resource. https://www.christianwomanhood.org/
If you are interested in the article here it is:
Ever since I can remember, I have wanted to please everyone around me. With all my heart, I wanted a strong, meaningful relationship with God. I had a deep determination to make authority happy with me and a strong compulsion to make sure people generally liked me and wanted to be around me.
Throughout childhood, I struggled to read my Bible and pray every day consistently, but I worked hard towards it and craved my Saviour. It was relatively easy to gain favor from adults. If I obeyed right away and did what they wanted me to do with the right heart attitude, I would gain their trust and admiration, and they would, in turn, favor me and present me with opportunities not awarded to my peers. I also found it quite simple to make friends. I would often compliment those around me and would be genuinely interested in who they were by asking them questions and listening to their answers. These natural techniques worked beautifully throughout my childhood, and I graduated high school with the favor of most of my authorities and was popular amongst my peers.
Going from a public high school to a Christian Bible college was challenging. I had to do a lot of work to start all over, from being a well-liked, popular, all-state soccer player to being a nobody. I appreciated the challenge and worked my way through college, making lifelong friendships and connections along the way. My relationship with the Lord grew exponentially, and I finally felt peace about the time we spent together.
The next significant relational change happened with the next transition of my life: getting married, being a brand new mother, and moving to the mission field of Ghana, west Africa. I knew of people on the Ghana team but had no close relationships with them. Again, I had to work hard to prove myself and develop strong and meaningful friendships. I was finally to the point where I felt God was using me, and I felt close to Him.
When we left Africa after 5 years, I came home sick. I was in bed 18-20 hours a day. I had three young boys then, and I had nothing left to give. This transition has been, by far, the most challenging transition of my life. I was sick and tired and did not want to do all the work it took to make people around me feel loved and desired. For the first time in my life, I didn't care. I knew it wasn't like me not to make an effort with people, but I couldn't be for everyone else what I wasn't for myself or my family. I still read my Bible and prayed, but it wasn't the same. I was broken. I felt like God put me on the shelf and said, "Sorry, you're not good enough; I can't use you anymore."
Because of this, it took me around five years to make meaningful relationships. Those first five years were tough on me. I was no longer being strengthened by my authority's respect and admiration for me, and I was not being propelled by my friends' love and support. I still had a relationship with the Lord, but felt I had lost His respect. I felt alone, without value, and very self-absorbed.
During this time, I gave birth to my daughter, Brooklyn. She was born with special needs and only had a 50% chance of living past 2 years old. I was so confused. 🤔 For all of my life, if I obeyed, did right, and submitted myself, I gained the favor of those who ruled over me. How can God do this to me if I wasn't doing anything wrong? My theology broke. My belief system in what I thought was right crumbled, and my foundation for what I thought of relationships collapsed.
At the time, I was riding the hot mess express. But my all-loving, just, Heavenly Father knew precisely what He was doing. He was breaking all of my man-made ideologies about relationships so that I could rebuild them on truth.
He exposed to me that most of my obedience to authority, kindness towards people, and submission to the Lord were not fueled by love at all: the majority of my good works were pure selfishness. I obeyed my authorities because of the favor it got me! I was kind and caring to my friends because it made me feel popular and loved. I was submitting to God because I wanted His blessings.
That was a hard pill to swallow. I always thought I was just a good girl trying to do right, when in actuality, I was a selfish girl trying to manipulate others to make myself feel good.
Moving forward from this truth that the Lord exposed to me has been challenging. I now constantly question my motives, confess to the Lord when I am selfish, and repent of my sinful pride when manipulating others to make myself feel worth.
If I do everything in my power to obey my authorities and they give me no respect in return, which HAS happened, although my flesh is hurt I know in my heart that my obedience was out of love and not out of selfishness. If I am kind and go out of my way to be good to my friends and get no love and comfort and support back, which HAS happened, although my flesh will hurt I will know I did right and God can be my “friend that sticketh closer than a brother.” If I submit myself to my Saviour and He choses to put me in the refiners fire, which HAS happened, although my flesh will hurt I will trust Him knowing He loves me too much to keep me comfortable.
Now, I aim to love Christ, authority and my peers with charity. I Corinthians 13 is a high bar to aim towards. Its not a selfish love, its a self-less love. And in the end if no one loves me, I have a God who does, and that takes all the pressure off my "people-pleasing" soul.
