Tinotenda Samukange

02/11/2025

Inside ZANU PF’s New Power Struggle: Who’s Really in Charge — The President, The General, or The Billionaire?

It seems ZANU PF has misplaced the script again. Just when the nation was adjusting to the usual scandals — gold mafias, ghost roads, and disappearing fuel — a new episode has dropped: “Who Controls the Army?” Spoiler alert: even the army isn’t sure.

The man stirring this latest pot is none other than Temba Mliswa, Zimbabwe’s resident political hand-grenade, who detonated from abroad with claims that the country’s security forces are now divided into two camps — one saluting President Emmerson Mnangagwa, the other nodding to Vice President Constantino Chiwenga.

In a nation where you can get arrested for thinking the wrong thing, Mliswa wisely did his thinking from foreign soil.

Factional Drama Reloaded

According to Mliswa’s exposé, Mnangagwa’s camp is bankrolled by business tycoon Kuda Tagwirei, whose financial fingerprints are allegedly all over the state apparatus — from energy and mining to, apparently, the military’s wardrobe.

Tagwirei’s influence reportedly extends into the Presidential Guard, the yellow-beret elite unit tasked with protecting the Head of State. Coincidentally, the President’s son, Sean Mnangagwa, serves there too — because nothing says “non-political army” like a family member guarding the family business.

Meanwhile, the Chiwenga faction is said to command the loyalty of the broader army, boosted by Colonel Miniyothabo Baloyi Chiwenga, the Vice President’s wife and a serving officer. Her influence in the ranks, though quietly spoken of, is reportedly strong enough to make certain generals sit up straighter.

If true, Zimbabwe’s already fragile balance between party and military could be wobbling on one boot.

Tagwirei: The Billionaire in the Barracks

For those unfamiliar with Kuda Tagwirei, think of him as the man who turned fuel shortages into a business model. His reach into nearly every profitable sector has earned him both government contracts and international sanctions — a rare double achievement in Zimbabwean capitalism.

Now, Mliswa’s claims have dragged him into the heart of factional warfare. The idea that a businessman could influence the military’s mood has alarmed even seasoned insiders. As one retired intelligence officer noted:

“It’s one thing to bankroll campaigns; it’s another to bankroll command chains.”

Within military circles, Tagwirei’s tendency to appear in photos alongside uniformed men is seen as provocative — a bit like showing up at a family funeral with the will already signed.

The Crocodile vs The General: The Sequel

The Mnangagwa–Chiwenga alliance has always been a marriage of convenience, held together by ambition and the shared memory of a coup well executed. But as with all arranged unions, the honeymoon ended quickly.

Chiwenga, once the all-powerful commander of the defence forces, helped es**rt Robert Mugabe into retirement — and Mnangagwa into State House. Since then, however, his influence has been slowly trimmed, his allies reassigned, and his voice reduced to military precision silence.

The result? Growing whispers that the two men are once again on a collision course. And if the heart of the army is split between them, the stakes could be far graver than political gossip.

When Power Eats Its Children

Zimbabwe’s history is generous with cautionary tales — men who mistook power proximity for permanence. Mliswa, ever the provocateur, reminded viewers of figures who once strutted the corridors of power only to vanish from both office and obituary columns.

It’s a warning that hangs over this new triangle of power — the President, the General, and the Billionaire — each convinced the other two need him, each forgetting that Zimbabwe’s political machine has no sentiment and an excellent memory for betrayal.

Official Silence, Loud Whispers

As expected, the government’s response to Mliswa’s claims has been total radio silence — that peculiar kind of silence that screams “we’re discussing this privately.”

Meanwhile, the country watches and wonders: who really commands Zimbabwe’s men in uniform? Is it the soldier, the statesman, or the one who signs the cheques?

Whatever the truth, one thing is certain — in Zimbabwe’s corridors of power, the real battles are never fought on the frontlines, but in the shadows, between handshakes and phone calls.

Until then, citizens can rest easy knowing their leaders are hard at work — not fixing the economy, but deciding who gets to control the tanks when the music stops.

24/10/2025

Happy Blessed Sabbath 🌞

"Equality in death is folly — for even endings discern the wise from the unwise."

Rise, O Sunshine — bless the path of progress.
Let today mark a new covenant of crowned kings.
Farewell to X-traditions; I greet the new order with alignment and purpose.

24/10/2025

The Testament of the Campaign Vaccine

By Tinotenda Samukange — Son of the Soil, Witness of Smoke, Believer in Africa

Chapter One — The Stub and the Smoke

In the year of 1998, when France lifted a cup and I lifted a cardboard dream, I met the man of smoke and rhetoric — Cde Edson Zvobgo. He stood there, puffing the nation into the clouds, cigarette after cigarette, like an oracle burning incense for a reluctant heaven.

And I, a six-year-old patriot with tiny pockets and oversized curiosity, collected his cigarette stubs — not for rebellion, but for proper littering. I was, after all, a moral environmentalist in training.

My guardians? Too busy debating the price of sugar and the future of the nation to notice that I was being baptized by second-hand wisdom.

Then came the phrase, casually tossed between clouds of ni****ne and nuance:

“Campaign Vaccine — what’s that?”

I didn’t know. But I felt the tremor in his tone. Prophets never explain their riddles.

It stayed with me — like to***co in a school jersey, like a destiny disguised as pollution.

Chapter Two — Of Revelations and Revolutions

Fast-forward 33 years. The cigarette boxes now preach repentance: “Smoking is hazardous to your health.” Finally, the gospel of consequences had arrived!

I cannot blame Cde Zvobgo for my bad habits, but I must thank him for a far deadlier infection — the curiosity virus, with no known cure.

I caught it young, and it’s been mutating ever since — into conscience, courage, and chronic questioning.

Chapter Three — The World Cup and the Carpet

I lifted my first World Cup in Grade 1 — France 1998, Black Friday. A paper cup, yes, but it held more than dreams — it held a promise to restore Africa’s laughter, pride, and poetic madness.

Then came 2010 — — when South Africa hosted the world, and Spain tangoed to victory. I was 18, loud, legal, and living. The stadiums roared, and I whispered to 1918: “Good morning, Spanish Flu.”

Because history, dear reader, loves to sneeze twice.

And so, as I traded innocence for awareness, I too declared:

“Ndasiya bonde, ndatora hangu carpet.”
I’ve left the bed of comfort and taken the carpet of responsibility.

Chapter Four — Of Constitutions and Currency

2013 came bearing a new constitution — a breath of civilization, a whisper of inclusion: “Let us remove the issue of Aliens in our electorate.”

By 2016, the police had given the green light to NERA demonstrations. We clapped. We chanted. We hoped.

Then came the Bond Note — Dr. John Panonetsa Mangudya, the midwife of our monetary baby. I accompanied him to Bulawayo, where Matebeleland nodded “yes” to the new child. For a while, it stood proud and strong, equal to the US dollar — until the Father of the Nation, Robert Gabriel Mugabe, took his final bow.

Chapter Five — The Inductive Blessing

Two moons before his resignation, I crossed paths with destiny. I was called Smart Tembo, not for intellect, but for survival instinct.

I had graduated in 2014 — with R.G. Mugabe as Chancellor, Nqwabi Bhebhe as Vice Chancellor, and Rungano Zvobgo as Pro-Vice Chancellor. Too many blessings for one small head — but like old wine, wisdom needs space to breathe.

Baba Bona hinted:

“This time, I’m opening an Internet Café for you.”

Back in high school, I’d used his donated computers — the Presidential Scheme machines — and scored 100% in every Computer and Desktop Publishing test. Dr. Caven Masuku, bless your legacy — Journalism and Desktop Publishing, both marked Distinction.

Chapter Six — The Mirror and the Movement

2011 birthed my first child — the MSU Mirror Online Newspaper Blog. My Media and Society Studies class became a team of digital pilgrims, exploring the new frontier.

I became a sub-curricular lecturer without a salary, guiding peers with passion as payment. I believed in collective excellence — and oh, how naïve and noble that sounds now.

Little did I know that delimitation had my name in small print.

But I remained backed by true African patrons — among them my “lecturer” and the Father of the Midlands Business School, President Emmerson Dambudzo Mnangagwa.

Between the MSU Great Hall and the Chapel Office, I learned that the fight for identity is not waged with guns, but with grace, grit, and grammar.

So, when they came — the “security arms” and the silent wars — I simply smiled and asked:

Should I cry foul, or should I rise faithful?
For I am a true son and grandchild of the soil —
vaccinated by the campaign itself.

Amen.

The smoke still lingers.
The dream still burns.
And I, the child who once picked stubs,
now pick truths from the ashes.

24/10/2025

His Excellency, President of the Streets

Move over, State House — there’s a new president in town, and his cabinet meets at the car wash. They call him the President of the Streets, Ambassador of the Ghetto, and Voice of the Money (mostly small denominations, but money nonetheless).

He’s the Frontline Commander, the ATM Machine that never runs out of withdrawal slips — only airtime. The Brother from Another Mother who unites the hood faster than a power outage announcement. East Africa hails him as King Kong, though his kingdom is mostly the block between the tuckshop and the barbershop.

An inspiration to the youth, he rose from nothing to som**hing, from scratch to the sky, from grass to grace, from victim to champion — a motivational poster in human form. Rumour has it he once turned a broken dream into a side hustle and a side hustle into a legacy (terms and conditions apply).

So next time you hear distant cheers and the rev of a second-hand Subaru, know this: His Excellency, the President of the Streets, is on official business — distributing vibes, hope, and maybe a few borrowed dollars. 🏆

24/10/2025

City of Harare Declares War on Ghost Cars

After years of sharing parking lots with rusting ghosts of Harare’s motoring past, the City Council has finally decided it has had enough.

In a bold new operation that could rival a reality show titled “Who Abandoned It Best?”, the City has issued a seven-day ultimatum to owners of broken-down, long-forgotten vehicles to remove them from guarded car parks, shopping centres, and open spaces—or risk the council doing it for them (and sending the bill, of course).

This sudden burst of municipal energy follows the tragic discovery of three missing children found dead in a parked Mercedes-Benz in Kuwadzana Extension—a horrifying reminder that these so-called “car parks” have turned into crime scenes and scrapyards rolled into one.

Harare’s Acting Director of Urban Planning has been ordered to notify car park lessees to clean up their metallic museums. Those who don’t comply will meet the city’s latest superhero squad: The Tow Truck Avengers.

City spokesperson Mr. Stanley Gama confirmed that the clean-up will be swift and uncompromising.

> “We’ll notify car parks and owners of broken-down vehicles to remove them voluntarily, or we’ll be compelled to remove them,” Gama declared, probably holding a clipboard for effect. “Those who fail to comply will face penalties besides their vehicles being impounded.”

It’s an ambitious move for a city still negotiating with its own potholes and uncollected garbage. But for once, the council seems to be taking no prisoners—only abandoned cars.

So if you’ve been holding onto that 1998 Toyota Corona “for parts,” consider this your divine sign. The City of Harare is coming for your memories, one rusty bumper at a time.

23/10/2025

Zambia Welcomes Mozambican President Daniel Chapo at Lusaka Banquet

Lusaka — The warmth of Zambia–Mozambique relations was on full display this evening as President Hakainde Hichilema hosted a state banquet in honour of His Excellency Daniel Francisco Chapo, President of the Republic of Mozambique. The event took place at the InterContinental Hotel in Lusaka, drawing senior government officials, diplomats, and invited guests from both nations.

President Hichilema described the occasion as a celebration of two nations bound by a shared history of sacrifice, freedom, and enduring friendship. He reminded guests that Zambia and Mozambique’s ties were forged in the struggle for independence and strengthened over decades of cooperation across political, economic, and social fronts.

“Lusaka, and indeed the whole of Zambia, once served as a home to the liberators of Mozambique,” President Hichilema said. “Tonight, we warmly welcome President Chapo and his delegation back to their second home.”

The visit by President Chapo underscores the continued commitment of both countries to deepen regional integration and advance mutual development goals within the Southern African community.

23/10/2025

🎶 Tocky Vibes Breaks the Internet (and Possibly Record Books) with a 96-Song Double Album — “Mashangurapata”

By Tinotenda Samukange

If you thought your playlist was long, think again. Tocky Vibes has just released a double album with 96 songs, titled Mashangurapata — and social media is still buffering from the shock.

Yes, you read that right. Ninety-six songs. That’s not an album, that’s an audio marathon. Listeners are advised to stretch, hydrate, and take leave days before pressing play.

Tocky, known for turning street philosophy into melody, clearly decided that in 2025, quantity is quality — or maybe he just couldn’t choose which 80 tracks to delete. Either way, Mashangurapata is a buffet, not a meal: you don’t listen to it, you experience it in shifts.

Industry insiders are already calling it “the boldest drop since someone said Urban Grooves was dead.” Others are wondering if Tocky’s studio has electricity bills covered because recording 96 songs could power a small village.

The album’s title, Mashangurapata (loosely translated: The Complications are Many), feels eerily prophetic. Complications indeed — for DJs trying to pick a single to spin, or fans attempting to finish the album before 2026.

When asked for comment, one fan joked, “Tocky didn’t just give us an album; he gave us a curriculum. This is now part of the Zimsec syllabus — Paper 3: Interpret the metaphors.”

Satire aside, the lyrical craftsman has once again proven that he’s in a league of his own — poetic, fearless, and deeply connected to the pulse of the people. Whether you’re there for the message, the melodies, or just the sheer madness of a 96-track project, Mashangurapata is Tocky’s loud reminder that creativity in Zimbabwe still thrives, even when the data bundles don’t.

Vibes Tinashe Mutarisi

22/10/2025

🐝 Bees Declare Harare Gardens a No-Go Zone: One Human Reported Down

In a dramatic turn of events that could easily pass for a scene from a low-budget wildlife documentary, a swarm of bees at Harare Gardens decided to remind humanity that nature still runs things.

On Saturday, Liberty Sithole, a man from Zvimba, met a tragic end after being attacked by the buzzing army. The swarm, apparently unimpressed by the weekend’s park visitors, made its stance clear: no selfies near our stump.

City officials, never short of a press statement when crisis strikes, confirmed the incident on Tuesday. The City of Harare, in a show of bureaucratic valor, assured residents that the bees have since been “safely and professionally removed.” Translation: someone finally showed up with smoke and courage.

“The City of Harare wishes to inform residents and visitors that a swarm of bees which had temporarily taken shelter in Harare Gardens was successfully removed…” read part of the statement — the kind of carefully worded line that almost makes you forget a man actually died.

The council went on to clarify that it does not keep bees in its parks — which is reassuring, considering its track record with potholes and refuse collection. One can only imagine what a city-run beekeeping department would look like.

Experts describe such swarms as “transient,” meaning they were just passing through — much like many promises of public safety. Still, by Sunday evening, the bees had vacated the area, leaving behind shaken park-goers, an unfortunate victim, and yet another viral headline.

Residents are now told that Harare Gardens is “safe and open to the public.” For those brave enough to test the claim, picnic blankets are welcome — just don’t bring honey sandwiches.

21/10/2025

The Real Drug War: When the Devil Comes in Crystal Form

By Tinotenda Samukange and Oscar Ndaba Pambuka

In today’s Zimbabwe, we seem to have mastered the art of crisis management by pretending to fix symptoms while dancing around the disease. We’re busy building more rehabilitation centres — shiny hospitals of sorrow — for victims bewitched by gothic drugs and substances. But here’s the inconvenient truth: while the victims are being treated, the dealers are being promoted.

Yes, we clap when a celebrity walks into rehab, frail and trembling, as if addiction were a sport and recovery a spectator event. We shake our heads, post “so sad” emojis, and move on. Meanwhile, the real criminals — the importers, suppliers, and protectors of this demonic trade — are sitting somewhere in air-conditioned offices, sipping imported whisky, congratulating themselves on “business growth.”

Let’s call this what it is: a national poisoning disguised as entrepreneurship.

Look closely at the minds being stolen by this goblin of narcotics — you’ll see the tragedy in plain sight. Oscar Pambuka, Ras Pompey, Tanya Tsotsi, Dobber Don, Blot — names once synonymous with talent, now whispered with pity. They are not villains; they are victims of a system that treats the youth’s destruction as collateral damage.

Because once a young person loses their mind to drugs, they stop dreaming. They stop building. They stop believing. Poverty then sneaks in, wearing the face of “faded potential.”

Let’s not be naïve: whoever is importing crystal m**h, co***ne, and he**in into Zimbabwe isn’t just running a business — they’re running a silent genocide. Their mission is simple: kill the future by numbing it. Replace ambition with addiction. Substitute hope with hallucination.

And we, the onlookers, keep debating whether to build another rehab or another prayer camp — as if you can exorcise a demon you refuse to arrest.

So here’s a message to the self-styled merchants of death: Shame on you. You profit from pain, feast on souls, and call it hustle.

And to the youth — resist the bait. Stay sober, stay awake, stay dangerous in your clarity. Because sobriety, in a nation this intoxicated by destruction, is an act of revolution.

16/10/2025

Samuel Eto’o and the Art of Strategic Generosity

In a world where “Can you send me som**hing small?” has become a family anthem, Samuel Eto’o has perfected a rare skill — saying no, but diplomatically. The football legend doesn’t hand out cash like confetti at a wedding. No, he plays a longer game.

When relatives or old friends come knocking, Eto’o reportedly doesn’t reach for his wallet — he reaches for a question: “What exactly do you want to do with your life?” If the answer sounds like a business plan, he might fund the dream. If it sounds like a job hunt, he’ll help polish a résumé. If it sounds like a vacation disguised as migration, he’s even been known to help with a plane ticket — strictly one-way, of course.

Just last year, the man helped 11 people relocate abroad — a generous move, but also, one suspects, a clever strategy to reduce the queue at his doorstep. “I help them once,” he says, “and let that be my little secret.” A secret now very public — and perhaps an inspiration to wealthy uncles everywhere: give wisely, give once, and for heaven’s sake, make it sustainable.

16/10/2025