Tinotenda Samukange, Harare (2025)

16/12/2025

I got over 3,000 reactions on my posts last week! Thanks everyone for your support! 🎉

14/12/2025

Your mum is jealous because you're chilling with big boys!!!

14/12/2025

Waking up this morning and only to realise both WhatsApp and WhatsApp Business have been suspended indefinitely.

What could be issue, anyone?

13/12/2025

First Lady’s “Miracle” Health Expo Leaves Villagers With More Questions Than Band‑Aids

When Auxillia Mnangagwa Zimbabwe’s Health and Child‑Care Ambassador in a glittering dress rolled into Kakora Village, Mashonaland Central, on Friday, the Maria Theresa Clinic was buzzing like a beehive that had just discovered honey.

The First Lady praised the “massive turnout,” handed out glossy flyers about “regular screenings, early detection and preventative care,” and left the stage to a chorus of polite applause and a few skeptical coughs.

The problem? The clinic’s shelves were as bare as a politician’s promises, the staff were as thin on the ground as a good internet connection in rural Zimbabwe, and the nearest ambulance was probably still stuck in a pothole on the way to the expo.

Residents, who have grown accustomed to watching officials arrive, give speeches, and disappear, were quick to point out the gap between rhetoric and reality.

“Talking about prevention is great,” said one villager, “when the clinic has no drugs and patients are turned away.” In other words, a free eye‑check won’t stop a fever if there’s nothing to treat it with.

Civic groups, ever the buzzkill at the party, called the event a “cosmetic exercise” a one‑day spectacle that looks good on camera but does little to fix the chronic shortages of medicine, basic equipment and trained personnel that plague rural health facilities.

They argue that the real test of commitment isn’t a photo‑op with a mobile ultrasound, but sustained funding, better pay for health workers, and the kind of infrastructure that doesn’t require a trek of several kilometres just to get a band‑aid.

Observers also noted the irony of “holistic healthcare” being promoted in a place where the nearest emergency service is a donkey cart and the roads are more pothole than pavement.

The expo, they say, has become a well‑rehearsed ritual: officials arrive, hand out brochures, pose for selfies, and leave the villagers to wonder whether the next health expo will bring a real doctor or just another set of empty promises.

As the First Lady’s convoy disappeared down the dusty road, the people of Kakora were left holding a handful of pamphlets and a lingering question: will this be another headline‑grabbing event that fades into the background, or will it finally spark the kind of systemic change that turns “talk” into “treatment”? Only time and perhaps a few more budget allocations will tell.

13/12/2025

ZRP’s “Fake News” Press Conference: When a Forged Memo Gets More Attention Than a Presidential Adviser’s New Haircut

In a dazzling display of “we’ve got nothing to hide,” the Zimbabwe Republic Police (ZRP) took to the podium on 13 December 2025 to announce that a viral document claiming President Emmerson Mnangagwa’s right‑hand man, Paul Tungwarara, was under CID investigation was, in fact, as fake as a three‑legged zebra at a fashion show.

The bogus memo, which read like a badly written thriller novel (“The Commercial Crimes Division is hot on the trail of Dr. Tempter Paul Tungwarara…”), was circulated on social media faster than a WhatsApp forward about a free pizza. Commissioner P. Nyathi, the police’s chief PR guru, dismissed the paper with the elegance of a cat stepping on a keyboard: “The Zimbabwe Republic Police dismisses a fake and false statement… the CID’s Commercial Crimes Division is not conducting any investigations on Dr. Tempter Paul Tungwarara.”

Undeterred by a simple denial, the ZRP went full‑tech‑detective, pointing the finger at artificial intelligence. “We suspect AI was used to create this forgery,” the statement warned, as if a rogue robot had decided to spice up the political drama by inventing a scandal that never happened. The police promised to chase the perpetrators “without fear or favour once the suspects are identified” a promise that, if kept, would make the ZRP the most feared AI‑hunting squad since the robot‑vacuum uprising of 2023.

Just when you thought the adviser’s week couldn’t get any more eventful, Zanu PF’s National Political Commissar Munyaradzi Machacha dropped a procedural bombshell on 11 December. He nullified Tungwarara’s co‑option onto the party’s 300‑member central committee, citing a “district‑quota” rule that apparently requires any new member to be a Chipinge native. The letter also hinted at possible vote‑buying, accusing Tungwarara of handing out cash and groceries to delegates because nothing says “I’m fit for the central committee” like a well‑timed food parcel.

•The ZRP says there’s no CID probe just a clever piece of AI‑generated fiction.
•The police are now on a high‑tech manhunt for the mastermind behind the fake memo.
•Tungwarara’s political ascent has hit a snag, with party rules and possible bribery allegations playing the role of unwelcome party crashers.

So, while the nation waits to see whether the next viral document will be a love letter from a chatbot or a declaration of independence from a mischievous AI, one thing is clear: in Zimbabwe’s political circus, the only thing more unpredictable than a presidential adviser’s career is a forged memo with a Photoshop‑perfect header.

Stay tuned, folks if you hear a whistling robot in the streets, it might just be the ZRP’s newest AI‑detective on the beat.

13/12/2025

RBZ Yanks the Rug Out From Under Lion Finance - Because Nothing Says “Happy Holidays” Like a Sudden License Revocation

In a move that could make even the most seasoned Zimbabwean road‑block officer raise an eyebrow, the Reserve Bank of Zimbabwe (RBZ) has pulled the plug on Lion Microfinance Limited, aka Lion Finance Zimbabwe. Effective immediately, the once‑proud deposit‑taking micro‑finance outfit is officially out of the savings‑and‑loans game, leaving customers to wonder whether their hard‑earned cash is now just “lion‑tastic” folklore.

According to the Registrar of Microfinance Institutions, P.T. Madamombe, Lion Finance failed to keep the prescribed minimum capital think of it as the financial equivalent of forgetting to water your succulents. The regulator also noted a lack of remedial action after supervisory spot‑checks and a “failure to adhere to sound administrative, accounting, and risk‑management practices” as required by the Microfinance Act. In plain English: the books were messier than a Christmas market after a fireworks display.

What does this mean for the average Joe?

•No more deposits: Lion Finance can’t legally accept new deposits, so you’ll have to find a new home for your spare change.

•Winding down: The institution must now tidy up its affairs in an orderly fashion a polite way of saying “we’ll sort this out eventually, maybe.”

•Public warning: The RBZ urges citizens to steer clear of Lion Finance until further notice. In other words, “don’t throw good money after bad.”

If you were planning to use Lion Finance for a micro‑loan to buy that extra bottle of Mazowe juice, you might want to reconsider. The regulator’s message is clear: “We’ll be watching, and we’ll be pulling the plug when needed.”

So, while the rest of Zimbabwe gears up for holiday feasts and fireworks, Lion Finance will be nursing a revoked licence and a very thin capital cushion. For now, the best bet is to keep your money where it’s safe perhaps under a mattress, or better yet, in a regulated financial institution that hasn’t been told to pack its bags.

Stay tuned, stay skeptical, and happy holidays may your wallets be as full as your festive spirit, and your micro‑finance providers a little less… lion‑like.

12/12/2025

I frequently reflect on the optimism of my youth, the aspirations I held for a prosperous future, and the vision of a Zimbabwe that offers opportunity to all its citizens. It has become apparent, however, that these aspirations have been abruptly undermined at the moment of their potential realization. I am compelled to express my dismay at the manner in which the nation appears to suppress prospects and aspirations in pursuit of self‑interest and superficial recognition.

12/12/2025

Dear Followers,

I wish to inform you that my WhatsApp account has been compromised on three separate occasions since 2022. As a result, I have been receiving suspicious messages and am unable to rely on the number for secure communication.

I have reported each incident to the Zimbabwe Republic Police – Cyber Crime Division (ZRP CCD), but a lasting solution has not yet been achieved. This situation is both frustrating and disruptive, and I share it with you in the hope of raising awareness and seeking assistance from relevant authorities.

If you receive any unusual messages from my number, please disregard them and do not engage. I am exploring additional security measures and will provide updates as soon as I have a resolution.

Thank you for your understanding and continued support.

11/12/2025

Delta’s Holiday Miracle: “We’ve Got Beer, So Chill—Maybe”

In a dazzling display of corporate optimism, Delta Beverages has announced that, yes, there will be enough beer for Christmas. No, really.

After a glossy plant tour with Industry and Commerce Minister Mangaliso Ndhlovu, finance chief Alex Makamure proclaimed, “We have enough beer for Christmas,” as if the nation were anxiously awaiting a frosty apocalypse.

The statement came with the usual corporate reassurance cocktail: “Our lines are running smoothly,” “there might be a mismatch here and there,” and the ever‑reliable “we’ll meet demand.” In plain English? They’re hoping the occasional empty shelf won’t ruin the party.

Unsurprisingly, Carling Black Label remains the undisputed champion of the festive season. Delta, while promising to “balance preferences,” is basically saying, “We’ll give you more of what you already love, and maybe, just maybe, a few other brands if we feel generous.”

It’s the beverage equivalent of a politician promising “more roads and better healthcare” while secretly funding a private jet.

Delta also took a moment to brag about its growing tax contributions, crediting “improved planning, expansion, and economic stability.” Translation: “We’re making money, the government’s getting a slice, and we’ll keep the lights on as long as the cash keeps flowing.” Because nothing says “festive spirit” like a corporate ledger that’s thicker than a Christmas pudding.

Rapid demand growth, they warn, might lead to a “limited supply of lager.” In other words, if you’re craving that crisp lager on December 25, you might have to settle for a warm Sprite or a heartfelt hug. Delta promises to “invest more” to close the gap just as soon as they finish polishing the golden arches of their profit margins.

Minister Ndhlovu, ever the optimist, praised the sector’s “significant growth” and its role in employing “large numbers of our people.” He didn’t mention the occasional line‑up at the local tavern that looks more like a queue for a new iPhone than a festive gathering. Still, he’s right: nothing unites a nation like a cold bottle of Delta’s finest.

So, as Zimbabwe gears up for a holiday season that could either be a beer‑filled extravaganza or a dry run, rest assured Delta is on it sort of. They’ve got the stock, the spin, and the sarcastic optimism to keep the party going. Just don’t ask for that extra lager; it’s probably on a “future investment” plan. Cheers… maybe. 🍻

11/12/2025

Sungura Legend Nicholas “Madzibaba” Zakaria Dies at 66

Harare – The Zimbabwean music world is in mourning after the passing of iconic sungura pioneer Nicholas Zakaria, affectionately known as “Madzibaba.” His family confirmed the heartbreaking news on Thursday, December 11, 2025, saying the beloved musician left an “indelible mark on the music world with his inspiring voice and dedication to his craft”.

Zakaria, a founding father of modern sungura and leader of the legendary Khiama Boys, was more than a singer‑guitarist; he was a mentor who shaped generations of artists, from Alick Macheso to System Tazvida. His left‑handed guitar work and timeless hits such as “Ida Anokuda” and “Pan’ono Pan’ono Tsamba Yaichitonyorwa” defined an era and continue to echo across Zimbabwe’s airwaves.

In recent years the veteran artist battled a public health struggle, coping with diabetes, hypertension and severe leg swelling that forced him to scale back performances and postpone his 30th album. Despite his frailty, Zakaria remained a symbol of resilience, often sharing updates and thanking fans for their prayers.

Social media erupted with tributes, describing him as “Senior Lecturer” for his selfless teaching and as a cultural father whose songs soundtracked countless lives. “He opened doors for us,” wrote one fellow musician, while fans flooded platforms with memories and clips of his performances.

The family has announced that details of a memorial service will be released in due course. Until then, Zimbabwe mourns the loss of a true music godfather, whose legacy will live on in every sungura chord that follows.

10/12/2025

Goat‑Gate Meets Crocodile Politics: How Two Champagne‑Loving “Goat‑preneurs” Got Their Just Desserts (and a Whole Lot of Prison Time)

HARARE – In a drama that could have been titled “The Goats of Wrath: A ZANU‑PF Thriller,” jailed businessmen Moses Mpofu and Mike Chimombe finally learned that the only thing sharper than their designer shoes is the edge of President Emmerson Mnangagwa’s “crocodile” jaws.

The saga began with a spectacular falling‑out with their cash‑rich former partner Wicknell Chivayo, who reportedly swore the duo would “rot in prison” after they helped The NewsHawks expose a US$100 million Zimbabwe Electoral Commission (ZEC) scandal. That spat turned the two men into pawns in a ZANU‑PF power‑play that makes a soap opera look like a Sunday school lesson.

In October they were convicted of a US$7.7 million fraud tied to the US$87 million Presidential Goat Scheme a program that promised meat for the masses but apparently delivered foie gras for the elite.

On Monday, High Court Justice Pisirayi Kwenda handed down sentences that would make even the most hardened goat‑herder blink: Mpofu got 22 years total, seven of which are suspended on the condition he behaves and coughs up the loot, leaving an effective 15‑year stretch; Chimombe received 17 years, five suspended, meaning he’ll serve about 12 years and must fork over just under US$964 000.

The state had begged for 35 years, but the court started from a “presumptive 20‑year” baseline a generous discount, considering the usual “catch‑and‑release” routine for high‑profile crooks.

Both men have vowed to appeal, insisting they were merely victims of a political chess game.

Their legal dream team, fresh from a South‑African boutique firm, warned that the case is “high‑profile and politically tinged,” and that staying abroad would have been wiser than returning from a June 2024 China trip to face the music. Friends and advisers say the pair ignored a chorus of warnings: “Don’t come back,” “You’re walking into a trap,” “The judiciary is captured.”

Their response? A confident grin, a private jet, and a belief that a few well‑placed bribes could hush the ZEC scandal forever. Spoiler alert: the only thing that got hushed was their freedom.

So, as Mpofu and Chimombe settle into their new “luxury” accommodations (minus the champagne), Zimbabwe’s justice system sends a clear message: even the most well‑connected can’t outrun a goat‑filled scandal when the Crocodile is hungry.

The only thing certain is that the goats will keep bleating, the politicians will keep chewing, and the appeal court may yet rewrite the ending of this goat‑gate drama.

In the meantime, the nation watches with a mixture of schadenfreude and caution, wondering who will be the next to discover that in Zimbabwe, the only thing more dangerous than a corrupt scheme is a corrupt scheme that steps on the wrong political toes.

Tinotenda Samukange

16/12/2025

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